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most written by Elizabeth Bernstein
WSJ columnist.
See bottom of page for her biography
How to Cope With Infidelity
Research suggests confessing; make it mean something and focus on the future
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : September 7, 2015
Here is a question for our post-privacy era: If you’ve been unfaithful to your partner or spouse, do you confess?
Ever since Ashley Madison, an online dating site for married people, was hacked in July and personal information about more than 30 million registered users was leaked to the public, I’ve been hearing from many marriage therapists who say they have clients who worry their spouse may find out they used the site to cheat and wonder what to do.
The answer: Confess before you get caught.
We’ve always risked being exposed if we have an extramarital affair. A nosy neighbor or friend might tell our spouse that she saw something suspicious. Our partner might walk in on us in flagrante delicto. A spurned lover might out us due to spite.
In our current world, where the most-private information—from home addresses and credit card numbers to secret emails and sexual fantasies—are just one hack away from becoming public, the chance of being found out has escalated. As the Ashley Madison hack has shown, the Internet is the modern version of the proverbial lipstick on the collar. You never know when a trace of your misdeed might appear and give you away.
Even before Internet hacks became a concern, affairs were likely to be uncovered. In the Lust, Love & Loyalty survey, conducted in 2007 by MSNBC.com and iVillage, more than 30,000 people who said they had cheated on their partner were asked if that partner had ever found out. Just 32% of men and 39% of women said “definitely not.” Another 23% of both men and women said “not that I know of.” The rest said their spouse either suspected or found out about their affair.
Some therapists I spoke with were torn on whether or not to tell a spouse about an infidelity. If you have put an affair behind you, your marriage is strong, and you have reason to believe your past transgression won’t be discovered, they recommend keeping your secret and not hurting your spouse needlessly with a confession.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in April, 2001, showed that there are four ways that affairs typically come to light. There is unsolicited partner discovery (the partner who had the affair admits to it without prior interrogation from his or her spouse) and solicited partner discovery (the partner who had the affair admits to it only after being suspected and questioned by the spouse). Then there is “red-handed” discovery (a spouse catches his or her partner in the act of infidelity) and unsolicited third-party discovery (a spouse is told about a partner’s affair by another person).
The study found that some modes of discovery are better for you than others. The least damaging to a relationship is when the person who had the affair admits to it on his or her own; 43.5% of the 115 participants in the study said their marriage dissolved afterward. That compares with the 68% who said it dissolved after a third party told them about their partner’s infidelity. Of those caught in the act, 83% said the relationship dissolved and 86% said it dissolved after their partner confronted them.
“Victims may view the act of honesty as an attempt to save the relationship,” says Whitney Petit, a teaching fellow at the University of Houston, who has written on the topic. When the injured spouse has to confront his or her partner about an affair, it compounds the pain, therapists say.
According to published reports, about 1 in 6 married men in the U.S. were on Ashley Madison. This seems shocking, and we don’t know the percentage of profiles that were fake. We also don’t know how many of these men had sex with someone they met on the site—but the figure is actually a little lower than general measures of infidelity.
Reliable statistics on infidelity are scarce. Most people don’t want to admit to having an affair and everyone, even the experts, has a different definition of infidelity. Some people define it narrowly, as sexual intercourse with someone who isn’t your partner. Others define it more broadly and include emotional infidelity.
Caveats and all, how often do married people have sex with someone other than their spouse? About 20% of men and 14% of women who have ever been married have had extramarital sex, according to federally sponsored research conducted since 1972 by the social-science research organization NORC at the University of Chicago.
The MSNBC.com/iVillage survey found that 15% of men and 11% of women who said they’d had an extramarital affair confessed to their spouse about it on their own, according toDavid Frederick, a professor of psychology at Chapman University, in Orange, Calif., who analyzed the results of the survey. This was the most common way a partner discovered infidelity.
Experts said that disclosing an affair in a sincere, respectful and contrite manner may actually help improve a marriage. “Problematic relationships are less likely to heal without open and honest communication,” says Gurit E. Birnbaum, a psychologist, sex researcher and associate professor at the School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel.
First, experts agree that you need to end the affair—with integrity. This means that you are respectful to the person you had the affair with and you are clear with yourself that it is over.So how, and when, do you tell your spouse you’ve been unfaithful?
Tell your spouse you’d like to talk and find a time that is convenient and a place that is private. “Acknowledge that there have been difficulties in the marriage and that one or both of you has not been happy,” says Tammy Nelson, a marriage therapist with offices in New Haven and Fairfield, Conn.
Dr. Nelson suggests addressing three key areas of the affair: What kind of relationship you had. (Was it sexual or emotional?). What kind of sex you had. (Was it in-person, online, paid?). And what secrets you kept. (Did you spend a lot of money?)
Therapists agree that you should stay away from sharing too many gory details, even if your spouse asks to hear them. “Your partner is not your therapist or your priest,” Dr. Nelson says. Overly confessing might temporarily alleviate your guilt, but it will only further traumatize your spouse.
The goal of the conversation is “try to make meaning of the affair so that you and your partner share a narrative,” says Barry McCarthy, a professor of psychology at American University in Washington, D.C., and author of “Rekindling Desire.” “You want to look at what you learned about your marriage from the affair and what you learned about yourself,” he says.
Wait to apologize until you’ve heard your partner out. “ ‘I am sorry’ can sound like an excuse,” says Dr. Nelson. “It means nothing until you actually have some empathy for what you have done to your partner.”
Finally, you should outline what you are willing to do in the immediate future—can you commit to the marriage? Go to therapy?—and be sure you can keep these promises.
“Focus on the present and the future,” says American University’s Dr. McCarthy. “You can’t change the past.”
Be There for a Friend’s Relationship Crisis, But Don’t Give Advice
It Takes Restraint, Listening Skills to Be a ‘First Responder’ to Someone’s Marriage Problems
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : February 9, 2015
Mary Baremore remembers the time a few years ago when a close friend confided in her about her marital problems. Her husband was overbearing, the woman explained. She felt he often dismissed her opinion and rejected her sexually. Then she started to sob.
Ms. Baremore listened but didn’t say much, even though she was thinking her friend should toughen up and talk to her husband. Timidly, she asked if her friend had thought about seeing a therapist.
“I felt totally inadequate,” says Ms. Baremore, a 53-year-old sign-language interpreter who lives in St. Paul, Minn.
Sooner or later, someone in the depths of a marital or relationship problem will want to talk about what’s going on and possibly to ask for advice. Being there for that person—a family member, a friend or even a work colleague—is challenging. No one teaches us how to give emotional support.
When someone we care about confides in us, a common instinct is to make this person feel better at all costs. We may offer false hope or criticize the spouse or partner, and if we are close to this person, their distress may become our distress. But these reactions aren’t helpful.
Some experts are teaching people how to be more confident and effective in supporting a friend or family member through a marriage or relationship crisis—and how to set and maintain boundaries.
“The goal of a marital first responder is to be a good friend, not a therapist,” says William Doherty, a marriage and family therapist and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He has developed a workshop called “Marital First Responders,”which he conducts with military families, drug offenders and regular people at community centers and churches. I recently attended a workshop at a townhouse in Manhattan.
Marital first responders are natural confidants, the people others turn to first when they need to talk. A soon-to-be-published study of 1,000 people ages 25 to 70, conducted by Dr. Doherty and colleagues, indicates that 74% of adults have been a confidant to someone going through a marital or long-term relationship problem.
Natural confidants are most often a female friend, a family member (especially a sibling or adult child), a male friend or a co-worker.
In his research, Dr. Doherty found people who confide in a friend say it is most helpful if the friend simply listens. Confidants also can help by giving emotional support and helping the confider put the situation in perspective. They often can help a person understand his or her contribution to the problem or where the spouse is coming from.
Confidants can make mistakes. They say judgmental things or talk too much about themselves. They take sides. They try to fix the problem. “Don’t confuse being a confidant with being an advice giver,” Dr. Doherty warns.
The most important skill for marital first responders is listening, Dr. Doherty says. As a confidant, you should be careful not to interrupt or offer your own perspective too soon. Refrain from jumping to a conclusion, and remember: You are hearing just one side of the story.
Try to empathize with the person’s pain, not the details of their story. Reflect the person’s feelings back (“I can see how hurt you were when you felt put down by your wife in front of your friends”). Nonverbal communication—a look, a touch—goes a long way.
Avoid saying things that seem empathetic, but really are put-downs. (“I would leave a woman who did that.”)
What you should say are things that affirm the strengths of your loved one and their relationship: “I know you are a caring person”; “You’ve weathered storms before.” Avoid being so relentlessly upbeat and cheerful that the confider doesn’t feel heard.
Offer perspective by helping the other person see that many relationship problems are common and surmountable. Help your friend consider the feelings of his or her partner. Don’t accept addiction, affairs or abuse as “normal.” You may want to briefly share one of your own experiences, but be careful not to equate it with the other person’s. “You don’t want to come across as a know-it-all,” Dr. Doherty says.
If a person seems stuck in a problem—maybe the couple has stopped communicating—Dr. Doherty suggests the confidant may want to “challenge” the confider. Gently suggest that the person communicate more clearly with the partner or examine his or her expectations and contributions to the problem. “I” statements are great for this, Dr. Doherty says, as in, “One of the things I’ve learned is that when I don’t speak up I can’t expect him to know what I want.”
If someone seems to be in danger of making a poor decision, a confidant might want to give advice. But it should be specific and infrequent. Recommend a book, the name of a marriage therapist or information about a couples retreat. “The first responder is, by definition, not the last responder,” Dr. Doherty says.
First-responder training also covers boundaries. Confidants need to be wary of getting a sort of caregiver’s fatigue. Feeling leaned upon too often can harm the friendship or working relationship.
If you are a confidant, identify your own emotional “triggers”—the relationship issues that upset you because you have dealt with them yourself. As a confidant, you don’t want to escalate negativity or get more upset than the confider.
Depending on your relationship with the couple, you may need to resist being drawn into a triangle. Don’t become a confidant to both spouses or act as mediator. You may have to tell the couple directly that you don’t want to be in the middle.
My friends know I am a veteran confidant and, let’s face it, a confider, too. An important point I took away from marital first-responders training was that most relationship problems—lack of sex, not feeling heard, conflicts about money, raising children—are universal. It can be comforting for a person to hear this.
Ms. Baremore, who felt her skills as a confidant were lacking, recognized she was sometimes judgmental of friends who confided in her. “I would say, ‘What are you doing? Don’t mess this up,’ ” she recalls. Or “Yeah, I saw this coming.”
After taking the workshop at her church, she learned to listen without being distracted, to avoid judging or diagnosing and to reflect back what she was hearing. She got “tools to acknowledge that my own opinions are there, but I can set them aside,” she says.
Soon after taking the workshop, Ms. Baremore had breakfast with a friend who disclosed that her husband was upset about how much time she spends at work. Ms. Baremore remarked, “It sounds like there is some tension in your family around scheduling.” The two talked a bit about the issue and her friend switched topics.
Then Ms. Baremore disclosed her own tough time: Her mother-in-law is very ill, and she and her spouse are exhausted from parenting. “In the next breath,” Ms. Baremore recalls, the friend “started to really share how things are going in her marriage. She really did have a lot to say, but she was looking for an opening.”
A few days later, Ms. Baremore got a text from her friend asking to get together again. “It’s unusual to hear from her so soon,” Ms. Baremore says. “I took it as a signal that it was valuable to her to talk.”
It Takes Restraint, Listening Skills to Be a ‘First Responder’ to Someone’s Marriage Problems
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : February 9, 2015
Mary Baremore remembers the time a few years ago when a close friend confided in her about her marital problems. Her husband was overbearing, the woman explained. She felt he often dismissed her opinion and rejected her sexually. Then she started to sob.
Ms. Baremore listened but didn’t say much, even though she was thinking her friend should toughen up and talk to her husband. Timidly, she asked if her friend had thought about seeing a therapist.
“I felt totally inadequate,” says Ms. Baremore, a 53-year-old sign-language interpreter who lives in St. Paul, Minn.
Sooner or later, someone in the depths of a marital or relationship problem will want to talk about what’s going on and possibly to ask for advice. Being there for that person—a family member, a friend or even a work colleague—is challenging. No one teaches us how to give emotional support.
When someone we care about confides in us, a common instinct is to make this person feel better at all costs. We may offer false hope or criticize the spouse or partner, and if we are close to this person, their distress may become our distress. But these reactions aren’t helpful.
Some experts are teaching people how to be more confident and effective in supporting a friend or family member through a marriage or relationship crisis—and how to set and maintain boundaries.
“The goal of a marital first responder is to be a good friend, not a therapist,” says William Doherty, a marriage and family therapist and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He has developed a workshop called “Marital First Responders,”which he conducts with military families, drug offenders and regular people at community centers and churches. I recently attended a workshop at a townhouse in Manhattan.
Marital first responders are natural confidants, the people others turn to first when they need to talk. A soon-to-be-published study of 1,000 people ages 25 to 70, conducted by Dr. Doherty and colleagues, indicates that 74% of adults have been a confidant to someone going through a marital or long-term relationship problem.
Natural confidants are most often a female friend, a family member (especially a sibling or adult child), a male friend or a co-worker.
In his research, Dr. Doherty found people who confide in a friend say it is most helpful if the friend simply listens. Confidants also can help by giving emotional support and helping the confider put the situation in perspective. They often can help a person understand his or her contribution to the problem or where the spouse is coming from.
Confidants can make mistakes. They say judgmental things or talk too much about themselves. They take sides. They try to fix the problem. “Don’t confuse being a confidant with being an advice giver,” Dr. Doherty warns.
The most important skill for marital first responders is listening, Dr. Doherty says. As a confidant, you should be careful not to interrupt or offer your own perspective too soon. Refrain from jumping to a conclusion, and remember: You are hearing just one side of the story.
Try to empathize with the person’s pain, not the details of their story. Reflect the person’s feelings back (“I can see how hurt you were when you felt put down by your wife in front of your friends”). Nonverbal communication—a look, a touch—goes a long way.
Avoid saying things that seem empathetic, but really are put-downs. (“I would leave a woman who did that.”)
What you should say are things that affirm the strengths of your loved one and their relationship: “I know you are a caring person”; “You’ve weathered storms before.” Avoid being so relentlessly upbeat and cheerful that the confider doesn’t feel heard.
Offer perspective by helping the other person see that many relationship problems are common and surmountable. Help your friend consider the feelings of his or her partner. Don’t accept addiction, affairs or abuse as “normal.” You may want to briefly share one of your own experiences, but be careful not to equate it with the other person’s. “You don’t want to come across as a know-it-all,” Dr. Doherty says.
If a person seems stuck in a problem—maybe the couple has stopped communicating—Dr. Doherty suggests the confidant may want to “challenge” the confider. Gently suggest that the person communicate more clearly with the partner or examine his or her expectations and contributions to the problem. “I” statements are great for this, Dr. Doherty says, as in, “One of the things I’ve learned is that when I don’t speak up I can’t expect him to know what I want.”
If someone seems to be in danger of making a poor decision, a confidant might want to give advice. But it should be specific and infrequent. Recommend a book, the name of a marriage therapist or information about a couples retreat. “The first responder is, by definition, not the last responder,” Dr. Doherty says.
First-responder training also covers boundaries. Confidants need to be wary of getting a sort of caregiver’s fatigue. Feeling leaned upon too often can harm the friendship or working relationship.
If you are a confidant, identify your own emotional “triggers”—the relationship issues that upset you because you have dealt with them yourself. As a confidant, you don’t want to escalate negativity or get more upset than the confider.
Depending on your relationship with the couple, you may need to resist being drawn into a triangle. Don’t become a confidant to both spouses or act as mediator. You may have to tell the couple directly that you don’t want to be in the middle.
My friends know I am a veteran confidant and, let’s face it, a confider, too. An important point I took away from marital first-responders training was that most relationship problems—lack of sex, not feeling heard, conflicts about money, raising children—are universal. It can be comforting for a person to hear this.
Ms. Baremore, who felt her skills as a confidant were lacking, recognized she was sometimes judgmental of friends who confided in her. “I would say, ‘What are you doing? Don’t mess this up,’ ” she recalls. Or “Yeah, I saw this coming.”
After taking the workshop at her church, she learned to listen without being distracted, to avoid judging or diagnosing and to reflect back what she was hearing. She got “tools to acknowledge that my own opinions are there, but I can set them aside,” she says.
Soon after taking the workshop, Ms. Baremore had breakfast with a friend who disclosed that her husband was upset about how much time she spends at work. Ms. Baremore remarked, “It sounds like there is some tension in your family around scheduling.” The two talked a bit about the issue and her friend switched topics.
Then Ms. Baremore disclosed her own tough time: Her mother-in-law is very ill, and she and her spouse are exhausted from parenting. “In the next breath,” Ms. Baremore recalls, the friend “started to really share how things are going in her marriage. She really did have a lot to say, but she was looking for an opening.”
A few days later, Ms. Baremore got a text from her friend asking to get together again. “It’s unusual to hear from her so soon,” Ms. Baremore says. “I took it as a signal that it was valuable to her to talk.”
Family Meltdowns: When Everyone Is Arguing and No One Is Listening
Experts Say Family Fights Flare Up During the Holidays When There Is Unresolved Conflict
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : December 1, 2014
Did you spend time with family this past weekend? If so, you may have taken part in or witnessed a family meltdown—or are bracing for your turn.
An argument where everyone is talking and no one is listening is a hallmark of what clinicians call “stuck” or dysfunctional families. Yet even healthy families occasionally exhibit the behavior, they say.
While reporting this column, I heard about epic, multigenerational meltdowns at birthday dinners, in hospital waiting rooms and in taxicabs hurtling down New York City’s West Side Highway. One family had a screaming match in the middle of the street in Tahoe City, Calif. Another traded shoves while waiting in line to board an airplane. My cousin Sarah responded to my query with just five words: “The Bernsteins. Look no further.”
Most times these arguments start because of something small, like a blueberry scone. But the quarrel itself is about a much-larger matter—competition, power, favoritism. These fights hark back to childhood, and may contain echoes of previous generations’ conflicts.
“If someone’s reaction is way bigger than the actual harm done to them, it’s old stuff,” says Candida Abrahamson, a life coach and family mediator in Skokie, Ill., who studies family systems.
Meltdowns take different forms. In some families they are silent. Experts in family dynamics say they typically unfold like a movie plot, along predictable lines with a familiar cast of characters.
First there is the “trigger.” This person gets things started by acting out, often taking offense at a real or imagined slight. The trigger may see him- or herself as the outsider or victim of the family with old grievances to air (“You were always mom’s favorite”).
Someone, often a sibling, reacts to the trigger by taking the role of “prosecutor.” This person may have decided ahead of time to point out the trigger’s “bad” behavior so he or she will improve. (“Stop being so sensitive!”)
This exchange is a signal for others to jump in. A “defender” or “peacemaker” might stick up for the trigger (“Back off, OK?”), or might chime in with the prosecutor. Others might attack both (“You two ruin every family gathering!”).
Parents and other family members fuel the conflict with inaction. An “enabler,” typically the mother, talks about ending the conflict (“Please, let’s just all get along!) but may really be trying to sweep it under the carpet. A “passive enabler,” perhaps a father, distances himself from the meltdown by marching from the room. (My father has been known to retreat to his study and don his skeet-shooting headphones.) The “deserter”—an in-law or someone else not in the thick of fight—herds children away from the scene.
Families tend to have more meltdowns when they have unresolved conflict and when they value individual self-expression over repression. Are these blowups ever productive? Experts say only if the participants can come to a respectful resolution.
“You can have a positive outcome from conflict, but then you have to be willing to see other people’s perspectives,” says Eli Finkel, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University (who is Dr. Abrahamson’s son).
Experts say it is possible to step back during a tense moment and help steer the family back on course. Someone will need to remain calm. It might as well be you.
It will take some advance planning, not just nervous anticipation about what might go wrong. Many people brace themselves for the worst, and think about what they will say or do if someone upsets them. “All this does is raise your anxiety,” says Pauline Wallin, a Camp Hill, Pa. clinical psychologist.
Reframe the event in your mind (“It might be stressful, but there are many worse things to go through”). Give yourself the job of enjoying the gathering. “You have a responsibility to try and make this a happy experience for other people,” Dr. Wallin says.
Make a resolution, Dr. Finkel says: “I am going to finish this family get-together being proud of my behavior and knowing that I behaved like an adult.”
In a study at Northwestern published in the journal Psychological Science in August 2013, Dr. Finkel asked 120 couples to write every four months for a year about a fight they’d had, half of them writing from their own perspective, and half from the perspective of a neutral third party. The couples that wrote from the third-party perspective rated their relationships as happier and better connected. Dr. Finkel believes the technique can apply to families too.
Another technique is “if then” planning. You expect specific behaviors from your family and plan your own specific reactions. (“If my sister starts to brag about her kids, then I am going to agree with her and tell her what she wants to hear.”)
To recover from a family meltdown, ask the person who is upset what’s wrong and offer to listen. Susan Kuczmarski, a lecturer at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management and author of “Becoming a Happy Family,” published last month, says, “Identify something that is important for the person and spend a little time on it. A little compassionate asking, listening and reaching out within the family is sometimes all that’s really needed.”
Experts Say Family Fights Flare Up During the Holidays When There Is Unresolved Conflict
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : December 1, 2014
Did you spend time with family this past weekend? If so, you may have taken part in or witnessed a family meltdown—or are bracing for your turn.
An argument where everyone is talking and no one is listening is a hallmark of what clinicians call “stuck” or dysfunctional families. Yet even healthy families occasionally exhibit the behavior, they say.
While reporting this column, I heard about epic, multigenerational meltdowns at birthday dinners, in hospital waiting rooms and in taxicabs hurtling down New York City’s West Side Highway. One family had a screaming match in the middle of the street in Tahoe City, Calif. Another traded shoves while waiting in line to board an airplane. My cousin Sarah responded to my query with just five words: “The Bernsteins. Look no further.”
Most times these arguments start because of something small, like a blueberry scone. But the quarrel itself is about a much-larger matter—competition, power, favoritism. These fights hark back to childhood, and may contain echoes of previous generations’ conflicts.
“If someone’s reaction is way bigger than the actual harm done to them, it’s old stuff,” says Candida Abrahamson, a life coach and family mediator in Skokie, Ill., who studies family systems.
Meltdowns take different forms. In some families they are silent. Experts in family dynamics say they typically unfold like a movie plot, along predictable lines with a familiar cast of characters.
First there is the “trigger.” This person gets things started by acting out, often taking offense at a real or imagined slight. The trigger may see him- or herself as the outsider or victim of the family with old grievances to air (“You were always mom’s favorite”).
Someone, often a sibling, reacts to the trigger by taking the role of “prosecutor.” This person may have decided ahead of time to point out the trigger’s “bad” behavior so he or she will improve. (“Stop being so sensitive!”)
This exchange is a signal for others to jump in. A “defender” or “peacemaker” might stick up for the trigger (“Back off, OK?”), or might chime in with the prosecutor. Others might attack both (“You two ruin every family gathering!”).
Parents and other family members fuel the conflict with inaction. An “enabler,” typically the mother, talks about ending the conflict (“Please, let’s just all get along!) but may really be trying to sweep it under the carpet. A “passive enabler,” perhaps a father, distances himself from the meltdown by marching from the room. (My father has been known to retreat to his study and don his skeet-shooting headphones.) The “deserter”—an in-law or someone else not in the thick of fight—herds children away from the scene.
Families tend to have more meltdowns when they have unresolved conflict and when they value individual self-expression over repression. Are these blowups ever productive? Experts say only if the participants can come to a respectful resolution.
“You can have a positive outcome from conflict, but then you have to be willing to see other people’s perspectives,” says Eli Finkel, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University (who is Dr. Abrahamson’s son).
Experts say it is possible to step back during a tense moment and help steer the family back on course. Someone will need to remain calm. It might as well be you.
It will take some advance planning, not just nervous anticipation about what might go wrong. Many people brace themselves for the worst, and think about what they will say or do if someone upsets them. “All this does is raise your anxiety,” says Pauline Wallin, a Camp Hill, Pa. clinical psychologist.
Reframe the event in your mind (“It might be stressful, but there are many worse things to go through”). Give yourself the job of enjoying the gathering. “You have a responsibility to try and make this a happy experience for other people,” Dr. Wallin says.
Make a resolution, Dr. Finkel says: “I am going to finish this family get-together being proud of my behavior and knowing that I behaved like an adult.”
In a study at Northwestern published in the journal Psychological Science in August 2013, Dr. Finkel asked 120 couples to write every four months for a year about a fight they’d had, half of them writing from their own perspective, and half from the perspective of a neutral third party. The couples that wrote from the third-party perspective rated their relationships as happier and better connected. Dr. Finkel believes the technique can apply to families too.
Another technique is “if then” planning. You expect specific behaviors from your family and plan your own specific reactions. (“If my sister starts to brag about her kids, then I am going to agree with her and tell her what she wants to hear.”)
To recover from a family meltdown, ask the person who is upset what’s wrong and offer to listen. Susan Kuczmarski, a lecturer at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management and author of “Becoming a Happy Family,” published last month, says, “Identify something that is important for the person and spend a little time on it. A little compassionate asking, listening and reaching out within the family is sometimes all that’s really needed.”
The Best Way to Make Up After Any Argument
And the One Word Never to Say
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 15, 2014
You had an argument with someone you love. Now what?
There is a definite wrong way to make up and go forward after a fight, therapists and psychologists say: Apologize quickly and move on.
Instead, it is crucial when repairing a personal rift to address the underlying issue. Fail to reach a resolution on the argument itself—not just the hurt feelings it caused—and you will end up fighting again in the future about the same thing. Even worse: You'll likely end up arguing about the argument.
Throughout 28 years of marriage, Kim and Dexter Hardy in Marietta, Ga., say they have argued about "everything," including money, the children and their in-laws. For years, their fights were very emotional and took a long time to get over. Mr. Hardy would say things that were sarcastic or hurtful. Ms. Hardy would yell or cry and sometimes throw things on the floor (once it was eggs). Then she would leave, slamming the door behind her. Often, the tension lasted for days.
"The biggest thing in making up is to understand that conflict is normal in a relationship," says Hal Shorey, a clinical psychologist and associate professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University in Chester, Pa. Dr. Shorey studies personality and works with couples in private practice as well as people in conflict at work. "You don't want to avoid it. You want to manage it."
Admittedly, some people are comfortable with tension. They want to talk out problems.
Others avoid conflict at all costs. Some want it over immediately and need reassurance that all is fine (even when it's not). Others refuse to address the situation at all and finish every disagreement with the same response: total silence.
Research shows that these approaches typically break down along gender lines. A 2003 study in the journal "Personal Relationships"—one of the largest on the topic to date—found that, across 62 cultural regions world-wide, men reported higher levels of attachment avoidance relative to women. There are always exceptions, of course. But, in general, men seek to avoid negative emotions and conflict more than women. Women like to talk through problems. Men want to move on.
A note about makeup sex: Men love it. Women? Not so much. Research shows that men are more sexually aroused after a major relationship conflict (and are more likely than women to use sex for stress relief). In contrast, women "find it more difficult to isolate themselves from the relational context while having sex," says Gurit E. Birnbaum, a psychologist, sex researcher and associate professor at the School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel.
According to Dr. Shorey, of Widener University, there are five steps to a successful "makeup." And they revolve around one central question that each person must ask the other: "What do you need from me?"
The first step: Wait to talk. "You don't want to have a discussion while the other person is still hot," Dr. Shorey says. "I can't tell you how many people will think it's better to say right away: 'I'm sorry. I was a jerk.' And the other person says, 'Yes, you were.' And then the argument escalates again."
If the other person is really trying to avoid a discussion altogether, wait until things have calmed down and then say, "I'd like to talk." If the argument was really intense, he suggests making up in a public place, such as a restaurant. And never have these discussions in front of the kids.
Next, give up the idea of being right. Don't focus on the examples or details from the fight; those will be right or wrong depending on your perspective. Instead, focus on the other person's feelings. "What can never be wrong is how the other person feels," Dr. Shorey says.
Third, mirror the other person's position by verbalizing your understanding of how he or she feels. This helps you focus on the other person's needs. For example, you can say: "I understand you are hurt because I went out without you last night." And ask if you are correct.
Hal Shorey, a clinical psychologist and associate professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University in Philadelphia.
"A lot of people don't want to apologize because they don't want to admit that they did anything wrong," Dr. Shorey says. A good approach: "I am sorry I upset you. I don't think there is anything wrong with me going out last night, but I can see why you feel hurt and how it would be better for me not to go because I don't want you to feel bad."
An important point here: Never use the word "but" in an apology. "I am sorry, but…" undermines the entire purpose.
Don't get offended by your partner's feelings. If you apologize and the other person says, "Yes, you really behaved badly," just nod your head. The goal is to accept responsibility for how you made someone feel.
Finally, explain to your partner that you really care about him or her and are willing to modify your behavior. (A hug, touch on the arm or eye contact all go a long way here.) Both people must show that they understand each others' needs and are willing to try and meet them. "If the other person knows that you really care," Dr. Shorey says, "most of these larger issues will resolve."
Accept that it may take some time for you both to feel better. And make a pledge to check in later, after a certain amount of time has passed, in order to monitor progress. "Hey, I heard how I hurt you and have tried to change and how am I doing?" never hurt.
For the Hardys, years of arguing took its toll. They felt disconnected. Ms. Hardy says she got tired of the anger and frustration she was carrying around.
The couple began to attend marriage workshops, read self-help books, and model themselves on older couples they thought communicated well. They learned they have different makeup styles. She needs space to calm down. He likes to talk out issues.
They have developed several strategies to move past an argument. The first is decompression time: Ms. Hardy will excuse herself and go into another room or leave the house so she can "finish huffing and puffing," she says. The next is fact time: Each will remind him- or herself about the good qualities of their spouse. Then, instead of a short, "I am sorry," the apologizer will say exactly what he or she did wrong.
"We don't always have to agree, but we have learned to respect one another's opinions," says Ms. Hardy, a 47-year-old motivational speaker.
"We have become a great model for our children," ages 27, 25, 21, 18, says Mr. Hardy, 54, who is a Baptist pastor. "There is a greater sense of oneness in our relationship now."
And the One Word Never to Say
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 15, 2014
You had an argument with someone you love. Now what?
There is a definite wrong way to make up and go forward after a fight, therapists and psychologists say: Apologize quickly and move on.
Instead, it is crucial when repairing a personal rift to address the underlying issue. Fail to reach a resolution on the argument itself—not just the hurt feelings it caused—and you will end up fighting again in the future about the same thing. Even worse: You'll likely end up arguing about the argument.
Throughout 28 years of marriage, Kim and Dexter Hardy in Marietta, Ga., say they have argued about "everything," including money, the children and their in-laws. For years, their fights were very emotional and took a long time to get over. Mr. Hardy would say things that were sarcastic or hurtful. Ms. Hardy would yell or cry and sometimes throw things on the floor (once it was eggs). Then she would leave, slamming the door behind her. Often, the tension lasted for days.
"The biggest thing in making up is to understand that conflict is normal in a relationship," says Hal Shorey, a clinical psychologist and associate professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University in Chester, Pa. Dr. Shorey studies personality and works with couples in private practice as well as people in conflict at work. "You don't want to avoid it. You want to manage it."
Admittedly, some people are comfortable with tension. They want to talk out problems.
Others avoid conflict at all costs. Some want it over immediately and need reassurance that all is fine (even when it's not). Others refuse to address the situation at all and finish every disagreement with the same response: total silence.
Research shows that these approaches typically break down along gender lines. A 2003 study in the journal "Personal Relationships"—one of the largest on the topic to date—found that, across 62 cultural regions world-wide, men reported higher levels of attachment avoidance relative to women. There are always exceptions, of course. But, in general, men seek to avoid negative emotions and conflict more than women. Women like to talk through problems. Men want to move on.
A note about makeup sex: Men love it. Women? Not so much. Research shows that men are more sexually aroused after a major relationship conflict (and are more likely than women to use sex for stress relief). In contrast, women "find it more difficult to isolate themselves from the relational context while having sex," says Gurit E. Birnbaum, a psychologist, sex researcher and associate professor at the School of Psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, Israel.
According to Dr. Shorey, of Widener University, there are five steps to a successful "makeup." And they revolve around one central question that each person must ask the other: "What do you need from me?"
The first step: Wait to talk. "You don't want to have a discussion while the other person is still hot," Dr. Shorey says. "I can't tell you how many people will think it's better to say right away: 'I'm sorry. I was a jerk.' And the other person says, 'Yes, you were.' And then the argument escalates again."
If the other person is really trying to avoid a discussion altogether, wait until things have calmed down and then say, "I'd like to talk." If the argument was really intense, he suggests making up in a public place, such as a restaurant. And never have these discussions in front of the kids.
Next, give up the idea of being right. Don't focus on the examples or details from the fight; those will be right or wrong depending on your perspective. Instead, focus on the other person's feelings. "What can never be wrong is how the other person feels," Dr. Shorey says.
Third, mirror the other person's position by verbalizing your understanding of how he or she feels. This helps you focus on the other person's needs. For example, you can say: "I understand you are hurt because I went out without you last night." And ask if you are correct.
Hal Shorey, a clinical psychologist and associate professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University in Philadelphia.
"A lot of people don't want to apologize because they don't want to admit that they did anything wrong," Dr. Shorey says. A good approach: "I am sorry I upset you. I don't think there is anything wrong with me going out last night, but I can see why you feel hurt and how it would be better for me not to go because I don't want you to feel bad."
An important point here: Never use the word "but" in an apology. "I am sorry, but…" undermines the entire purpose.
Don't get offended by your partner's feelings. If you apologize and the other person says, "Yes, you really behaved badly," just nod your head. The goal is to accept responsibility for how you made someone feel.
Finally, explain to your partner that you really care about him or her and are willing to modify your behavior. (A hug, touch on the arm or eye contact all go a long way here.) Both people must show that they understand each others' needs and are willing to try and meet them. "If the other person knows that you really care," Dr. Shorey says, "most of these larger issues will resolve."
Accept that it may take some time for you both to feel better. And make a pledge to check in later, after a certain amount of time has passed, in order to monitor progress. "Hey, I heard how I hurt you and have tried to change and how am I doing?" never hurt.
For the Hardys, years of arguing took its toll. They felt disconnected. Ms. Hardy says she got tired of the anger and frustration she was carrying around.
The couple began to attend marriage workshops, read self-help books, and model themselves on older couples they thought communicated well. They learned they have different makeup styles. She needs space to calm down. He likes to talk out issues.
They have developed several strategies to move past an argument. The first is decompression time: Ms. Hardy will excuse herself and go into another room or leave the house so she can "finish huffing and puffing," she says. The next is fact time: Each will remind him- or herself about the good qualities of their spouse. Then, instead of a short, "I am sorry," the apologizer will say exactly what he or she did wrong.
"We don't always have to agree, but we have learned to respect one another's opinions," says Ms. Hardy, a 47-year-old motivational speaker.
"We have become a great model for our children," ages 27, 25, 21, 18, says Mr. Hardy, 54, who is a Baptist pastor. "There is a greater sense of oneness in our relationship now."
How to Cope When You and Your Partner Are Falling out of Love
Experts say when a trait you used to adore in your partner starts driving you away, it's a "fatal attraction".
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 28, 2014
When Laurie Davis first met Thomas Edwards, she was attracted to how outgoing and confident he is. Ms. Davis, an introvert, had enjoyed solo picnics and beach outings. After the two began a relationship, her life filled up with barbecues, birthday parties and weekends in the mountains with other couples.
It was really exciting—at first. But Ms. Davis, who was starting an online-dating consulting business and working long hours, eventually tired of the constant socializing. She asked Mr. Edwards to spend more time at home with her in their new Manhattan apartment. He asked her to keep going out with him. They argued.
One Friday, Ms. Davis, 32, decided at the last minute to opt out of a weekend trip to the Hamptons the couple had been planning with friends. "Thomas, you go out way too much," she told Mr. Edwards.
He was completely shaken. "I felt like she was attacking the very nature of why she liked me," says Mr. Edwards, 29.
What do you do when something about your partner that you used to adore suddenly starts to drive you crazy? Researchers call this phenomenon a "fatal attraction." It is exceedingly common, they say, and it can be deadly to a relationship.
Typically, one partner's fatal-attraction traits are those the other partner lacks. Think of how an outgoing person is often drawn to someone quiet, or how a serious person can gravitate toward someone who is easygoing.
"Opposites attract," says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, who teaches about fatal attractions in a class on the dark side of relationships. "They just don't always stay together."
Every single positive personality trait has a negative side, Dr. Schrodt says. That person you fell in love with who was so dedicated to his work? He's a workaholic. The confident person's flip side is arrogance. Strong and silent can be emotionally inept; caring and sweet can be smothering.
We are attracted to a person's positive qualities, and then we come to resent their negative sides. The more we like a certain trait, the more we resent its dark side, according to Diane Felmlee, a professor of sociology at Penn State University, who started calling the phenomenon "fatal attraction" when she began studying it two decades ago.
Dr. Felmlee says fatal-attraction traits fall into categories—traits that initially are fun but then seem foolish (someone who is funny can't be serious); traits that are strong but then seem domineering (decisive becomes controlling) and traits that are spontaneous but then seem unpredictable (impulsive becomes erratic).
How long does it take for the fatal attraction trait to appear? It can happen surprisingly fast—in as little as six months to a year. But it also can take years to make itself known, often after a couple has children or experiences other life changes, Dr. Felmlee says.
In her research, she has identified and named five possible scenarios, or ways in which a fatal attraction may play out.
In Time Will Tell, a person is drawn to positive characteristics in a possible mate, but both are putting the best foot forward and don't reveal their entire personalities right away. So a trait's dark side isn't clear until later.
In Sour Grapes, one partner who is coping with problems in the relationship, or its demise, is trying to distance himself from the other partner and recasting positive traits as negative. A trait that was never a problem before is suddenly interpreted as bad.
In Rose-Colored Glasses, we are attracted to a positive quality yet secretly suspect it has a darker side. We choose to ignore the dark side until we can't anymore.
And in People Pleasing, we turn our own positive trait into a liability by trying too hard to please: If your wife likes how confident you are, you may choose to play this up until your self-assurance becomes insufferable.
Lastly, there is Familiarity Breeds Contempt. No one changed. A person just gets annoying if you are around him or her all the time.
"We all have these high expectations that people can be flexible in their personalities," Dr. Felmlee says. "Of course, we aren't that way."
So what do we do? First, Dr. Felmlee says, we need to recognize that we can't "have it all" in a partner and that positive traits have negative sides. "If you love their sense of humor, they are going to joke at the wrong time," she says. "If they are the strong and silent type, they aren't going to be able to show their emotions as much as you would like."
Next, she says we need to be aware of our own limitations. No one is perfect.
It can be helpful to use the "narrator technique," says Karen Ruskin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sharon, Mass. Pretend you are a third-person narrator telling the story of how one person's trait affects the other in the relationship, and the family as a whole. This helps you look at your actions and reactions from an outside perspective and be more open to change, she says.
Remind yourself of qualities that you were initially drawn to and still appreciate in your spouse. Spend a few minutes reflecting on these every day. Offer your spouse at least one daily acknowledgment of a positive quality of his or hers that has made your day.
"This makes it easier to have the more difficult conversations," says Toni Coleman, a licensed social worker in McLean, Va.
Lastly, consider how your partner provides balance, says Julie Hanks, a clinical social worker in Salt Lake City. How have your partner's annoying habits helped your children find balance? How would your life be different without your partner's influence?
Ms. Davis and Mr. Edwards, of the canceled Hampton's weekend, considered breaking up at one point. Each felt the other was negating a crucial part of his or her personality.
Then they sat down and talked about what they wanted in a relationship, why they craved it and what it would look like. Ms. Davis said she wanted Mr. Edwards to set aside time and space so they could be alone together. Mr. Edwards told Ms. Davis he would like her to hang out with her friends more, "within reason, of course."
And so the couple, who wed two months ago, worked on their differences. Mr. Edwards scheduled regular date nights. Ms. Davis held sleepovers for her girlfriends and joined entrepreneur groups where she met new friends. When socializing together, they planned more outings with couples than with large groups, because large groups drain Ms. Davis. And while they were out, they would thank each other for going.
"That support and validation were good for us because they taught us to be more aware of each other's needs," says Mr. Edwards, who is a dating coach.
"Above all, we realized that we never want the other person to feel like they need to do something," says Ms. Davis. "It's just most important to us that we're both happy, even if that means spending a little time apart."
Experts say when a trait you used to adore in your partner starts driving you away, it's a "fatal attraction".
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 28, 2014
When Laurie Davis first met Thomas Edwards, she was attracted to how outgoing and confident he is. Ms. Davis, an introvert, had enjoyed solo picnics and beach outings. After the two began a relationship, her life filled up with barbecues, birthday parties and weekends in the mountains with other couples.
It was really exciting—at first. But Ms. Davis, who was starting an online-dating consulting business and working long hours, eventually tired of the constant socializing. She asked Mr. Edwards to spend more time at home with her in their new Manhattan apartment. He asked her to keep going out with him. They argued.
One Friday, Ms. Davis, 32, decided at the last minute to opt out of a weekend trip to the Hamptons the couple had been planning with friends. "Thomas, you go out way too much," she told Mr. Edwards.
He was completely shaken. "I felt like she was attacking the very nature of why she liked me," says Mr. Edwards, 29.
What do you do when something about your partner that you used to adore suddenly starts to drive you crazy? Researchers call this phenomenon a "fatal attraction." It is exceedingly common, they say, and it can be deadly to a relationship.
Typically, one partner's fatal-attraction traits are those the other partner lacks. Think of how an outgoing person is often drawn to someone quiet, or how a serious person can gravitate toward someone who is easygoing.
"Opposites attract," says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, who teaches about fatal attractions in a class on the dark side of relationships. "They just don't always stay together."
Every single positive personality trait has a negative side, Dr. Schrodt says. That person you fell in love with who was so dedicated to his work? He's a workaholic. The confident person's flip side is arrogance. Strong and silent can be emotionally inept; caring and sweet can be smothering.
We are attracted to a person's positive qualities, and then we come to resent their negative sides. The more we like a certain trait, the more we resent its dark side, according to Diane Felmlee, a professor of sociology at Penn State University, who started calling the phenomenon "fatal attraction" when she began studying it two decades ago.
Dr. Felmlee says fatal-attraction traits fall into categories—traits that initially are fun but then seem foolish (someone who is funny can't be serious); traits that are strong but then seem domineering (decisive becomes controlling) and traits that are spontaneous but then seem unpredictable (impulsive becomes erratic).
How long does it take for the fatal attraction trait to appear? It can happen surprisingly fast—in as little as six months to a year. But it also can take years to make itself known, often after a couple has children or experiences other life changes, Dr. Felmlee says.
In her research, she has identified and named five possible scenarios, or ways in which a fatal attraction may play out.
In Time Will Tell, a person is drawn to positive characteristics in a possible mate, but both are putting the best foot forward and don't reveal their entire personalities right away. So a trait's dark side isn't clear until later.
In Sour Grapes, one partner who is coping with problems in the relationship, or its demise, is trying to distance himself from the other partner and recasting positive traits as negative. A trait that was never a problem before is suddenly interpreted as bad.
In Rose-Colored Glasses, we are attracted to a positive quality yet secretly suspect it has a darker side. We choose to ignore the dark side until we can't anymore.
And in People Pleasing, we turn our own positive trait into a liability by trying too hard to please: If your wife likes how confident you are, you may choose to play this up until your self-assurance becomes insufferable.
Lastly, there is Familiarity Breeds Contempt. No one changed. A person just gets annoying if you are around him or her all the time.
"We all have these high expectations that people can be flexible in their personalities," Dr. Felmlee says. "Of course, we aren't that way."
So what do we do? First, Dr. Felmlee says, we need to recognize that we can't "have it all" in a partner and that positive traits have negative sides. "If you love their sense of humor, they are going to joke at the wrong time," she says. "If they are the strong and silent type, they aren't going to be able to show their emotions as much as you would like."
Next, she says we need to be aware of our own limitations. No one is perfect.
It can be helpful to use the "narrator technique," says Karen Ruskin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sharon, Mass. Pretend you are a third-person narrator telling the story of how one person's trait affects the other in the relationship, and the family as a whole. This helps you look at your actions and reactions from an outside perspective and be more open to change, she says.
Remind yourself of qualities that you were initially drawn to and still appreciate in your spouse. Spend a few minutes reflecting on these every day. Offer your spouse at least one daily acknowledgment of a positive quality of his or hers that has made your day.
"This makes it easier to have the more difficult conversations," says Toni Coleman, a licensed social worker in McLean, Va.
Lastly, consider how your partner provides balance, says Julie Hanks, a clinical social worker in Salt Lake City. How have your partner's annoying habits helped your children find balance? How would your life be different without your partner's influence?
Ms. Davis and Mr. Edwards, of the canceled Hampton's weekend, considered breaking up at one point. Each felt the other was negating a crucial part of his or her personality.
Then they sat down and talked about what they wanted in a relationship, why they craved it and what it would look like. Ms. Davis said she wanted Mr. Edwards to set aside time and space so they could be alone together. Mr. Edwards told Ms. Davis he would like her to hang out with her friends more, "within reason, of course."
And so the couple, who wed two months ago, worked on their differences. Mr. Edwards scheduled regular date nights. Ms. Davis held sleepovers for her girlfriends and joined entrepreneur groups where she met new friends. When socializing together, they planned more outings with couples than with large groups, because large groups drain Ms. Davis. And while they were out, they would thank each other for going.
"That support and validation were good for us because they taught us to be more aware of each other's needs," says Mr. Edwards, who is a dating coach.
"Above all, we realized that we never want the other person to feel like they need to do something," says Ms. Davis. "It's just most important to us that we're both happy, even if that means spending a little time apart."
Counselors Say Men Are More Willing to Try Couples Therapy When It Focuses on Results
Strategies to get a reluctant partner to try couples therapy: Discuss positive outcomes, avoid ultimatums.
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : August 11, 2014
There's a complaint I hear all the time from readers: "My marriage is on the rocks, but my husband refuses to try couples therapy."
There are variations on the theme. Sometimes, the marriage is over, and the wife thinks if the couple had gone to therapy it might have been saved. Once in a while a man writes to say he regrets refusing to try it until it was too late.
Some marriage therapists are starting to create a more male-friendly type of couples counseling to address this common situation. The gist is less talk, more practical solutions.
Decades of studies show there is some truth to many of the stereotypes about men and psychotherapy: Men don't like to talk about their emotions. They worry about controlling their anger. They resist getting help, whether it's asking for directions or going to the doctor. They think therapy is "just talk" and isn't solution-oriented enough, or that the wife and the therapist (who is often a woman) will gang up on the husband.
Of course, there is a stigma about psychotherapy among both men and women. And therapy isn't a surefire relationship preserver: Some couples who try it still end up splitting.
But psychologists and other experts say the stigma against therapy is often stronger among men, and overcoming their resistance can be a critical first step in re-establishing communication.
In some cases, by the time the wife asks the husband to go to therapy, she has been hard on him, labeling him as bad at opening up, or "emotionally impotent," says Traci Ruble, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco who specializes in helping men feel comfortable in therapy. "I don't want to pick on women—they are usually hurt because they want the connection—but the way they try to get their husband to open up is by shaming him, which never works."
Men may feel coerced into counseling by their partner, says Gary Brooks, a Temple, Texas, psychologist and co-author of the 2010 book "Beyond the Crisis of Masculinity." Many men receive the ultimatum "If you don't go, we are done," he says.
Because women are so much more comfortable talking about their feelings, some men believe that therapy is female-oriented and that they will be at a disadvantage, Dr. Brooks says. "Men go into therapy feeling 'one down,' " he says. They "have an idea that masculinity needs to be proven, a constant anxiety of, "Am I man enough?' "
Dr. Brooks has developed a male-friendly therapy practice called "Gender-Aware Couples Therapy" that focuses more on practical advice and getting results than on talking through problems. "It works to recognize the male partner's feelings and pain," Dr. Brooks says. "It assures him that while he will be held accountable, he will not be blamed for all the problems."
To start, Dr. Brooks sees the male partner alone for a session or two, to help him articulate why he is angry. Often, the man has been doing something destructive to the relationship—drinking, philandering, shutting down. Dr. Brooks says the goal in these sessions is to help the man recognize the feelings driving his behavior.
"We talk about the frustration," he says. "They feel they are trying but no matter what they do it's not enough." One of the most helpful questions he says he asks is, "What's bugging the hell out of you?"
During the couples sessions, Dr. Brooks explains to the wife that his job as a therapist is to help the man articulate his feelings. He encourages the man to tell his wife what has been bothering him. He makes sure the couple talks about things that the man is doing right in the relationship, to make sure the woman recognizes these things.
Even before going to therapy, experts say there are ways to move past the impasse of the man's aversion to counseling. The partner who wants to go to therapy can take preliminary steps.
Start a conversation about the pros and cons in a concrete, action-oriented manner. Frame the counseling as a preventative measure. "Put it in guy-friendly language," says Matt Englar-Carlson, a psychologist and professor of counseling at California State University, Fullerton, who studies men and therapy. Talk about needing "maintenance," "a tuneup" or "an oil change."
Discuss what you both think you could get out of it. What are the goals and benefits of going? How will you know it is working? "There has to be an ongoing dialogue," says Mia Adler Ozair, a Los Angeles clinical psychotherapist. "It can't be a power struggle."
Focus on the hopeful outcome. Say: "I would like to go to therapy with you, because I think we should be having more fun, and there should be more sex, more kindness and more fairness in our relationship. I am not sure how to make it happen. Let's find someone to help us."
"Appeal to his sense of return on investment," Ms. Ruble, the San Francisco therapist, says. "I think the man wants to feel that he is going to get his money's worth."
Take responsibility for your own behavior. Say that you want to look at your part in what is wrong and you need help.
"She is doing two things when she makes a statement like that," Ms. Ruble says. "She is setting an example for her husband for how easy it can be to be vulnerable and take responsibility, and she is reassuring him that this isn't going to be a gang-up session."
Don't issue ultimatums. Use "we" instead of "you." ("We might want to consider counseling," not "You need to do this for me.") Realize that sometimes a man doesn't want to go to counseling because he is worried the situation is worse than he thinks.
Promise to be supportive. Tell him you won't interrupt him and you really want to hear what he wants to say because you care about him and the relationship.
"You are shifting the focus from 'I want my needs met and want to be heard' to 'I want to hear you and what you need,' " Ms. Adler Ozair says.
Take the initiative to find a therapist, Ms. Ruble says. "I think she can close the sale by saying, 'I am going to find three people who may be able to help us, we will talk to them on the phone and once we decide together which one we like, we will meet with the counselor for two sessions before we decide to commit.' "
There are steps men can take, too. Be honest about why you are nervous about therapy and what you fear. Read about the process, talk to friends who have gone through it. If you understand more you might realize it's not that bad. Come up with some therapist candidates yourself. This can be empowering.
Remember: Being really good at a lot of things doesn't mean you will be good at everything. "We seem to have no problem taking a new class for professional skills," says Ms. Ruble. "So we shouldn't be ashamed to go out and learn some new emotional skills."
Strategies to get a reluctant partner to try couples therapy: Discuss positive outcomes, avoid ultimatums.
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : August 11, 2014
There's a complaint I hear all the time from readers: "My marriage is on the rocks, but my husband refuses to try couples therapy."
There are variations on the theme. Sometimes, the marriage is over, and the wife thinks if the couple had gone to therapy it might have been saved. Once in a while a man writes to say he regrets refusing to try it until it was too late.
Some marriage therapists are starting to create a more male-friendly type of couples counseling to address this common situation. The gist is less talk, more practical solutions.
Decades of studies show there is some truth to many of the stereotypes about men and psychotherapy: Men don't like to talk about their emotions. They worry about controlling their anger. They resist getting help, whether it's asking for directions or going to the doctor. They think therapy is "just talk" and isn't solution-oriented enough, or that the wife and the therapist (who is often a woman) will gang up on the husband.
Of course, there is a stigma about psychotherapy among both men and women. And therapy isn't a surefire relationship preserver: Some couples who try it still end up splitting.
But psychologists and other experts say the stigma against therapy is often stronger among men, and overcoming their resistance can be a critical first step in re-establishing communication.
In some cases, by the time the wife asks the husband to go to therapy, she has been hard on him, labeling him as bad at opening up, or "emotionally impotent," says Traci Ruble, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco who specializes in helping men feel comfortable in therapy. "I don't want to pick on women—they are usually hurt because they want the connection—but the way they try to get their husband to open up is by shaming him, which never works."
Men may feel coerced into counseling by their partner, says Gary Brooks, a Temple, Texas, psychologist and co-author of the 2010 book "Beyond the Crisis of Masculinity." Many men receive the ultimatum "If you don't go, we are done," he says.
Because women are so much more comfortable talking about their feelings, some men believe that therapy is female-oriented and that they will be at a disadvantage, Dr. Brooks says. "Men go into therapy feeling 'one down,' " he says. They "have an idea that masculinity needs to be proven, a constant anxiety of, "Am I man enough?' "
Dr. Brooks has developed a male-friendly therapy practice called "Gender-Aware Couples Therapy" that focuses more on practical advice and getting results than on talking through problems. "It works to recognize the male partner's feelings and pain," Dr. Brooks says. "It assures him that while he will be held accountable, he will not be blamed for all the problems."
To start, Dr. Brooks sees the male partner alone for a session or two, to help him articulate why he is angry. Often, the man has been doing something destructive to the relationship—drinking, philandering, shutting down. Dr. Brooks says the goal in these sessions is to help the man recognize the feelings driving his behavior.
"We talk about the frustration," he says. "They feel they are trying but no matter what they do it's not enough." One of the most helpful questions he says he asks is, "What's bugging the hell out of you?"
During the couples sessions, Dr. Brooks explains to the wife that his job as a therapist is to help the man articulate his feelings. He encourages the man to tell his wife what has been bothering him. He makes sure the couple talks about things that the man is doing right in the relationship, to make sure the woman recognizes these things.
Even before going to therapy, experts say there are ways to move past the impasse of the man's aversion to counseling. The partner who wants to go to therapy can take preliminary steps.
Start a conversation about the pros and cons in a concrete, action-oriented manner. Frame the counseling as a preventative measure. "Put it in guy-friendly language," says Matt Englar-Carlson, a psychologist and professor of counseling at California State University, Fullerton, who studies men and therapy. Talk about needing "maintenance," "a tuneup" or "an oil change."
Discuss what you both think you could get out of it. What are the goals and benefits of going? How will you know it is working? "There has to be an ongoing dialogue," says Mia Adler Ozair, a Los Angeles clinical psychotherapist. "It can't be a power struggle."
Focus on the hopeful outcome. Say: "I would like to go to therapy with you, because I think we should be having more fun, and there should be more sex, more kindness and more fairness in our relationship. I am not sure how to make it happen. Let's find someone to help us."
"Appeal to his sense of return on investment," Ms. Ruble, the San Francisco therapist, says. "I think the man wants to feel that he is going to get his money's worth."
Take responsibility for your own behavior. Say that you want to look at your part in what is wrong and you need help.
"She is doing two things when she makes a statement like that," Ms. Ruble says. "She is setting an example for her husband for how easy it can be to be vulnerable and take responsibility, and she is reassuring him that this isn't going to be a gang-up session."
Don't issue ultimatums. Use "we" instead of "you." ("We might want to consider counseling," not "You need to do this for me.") Realize that sometimes a man doesn't want to go to counseling because he is worried the situation is worse than he thinks.
Promise to be supportive. Tell him you won't interrupt him and you really want to hear what he wants to say because you care about him and the relationship.
"You are shifting the focus from 'I want my needs met and want to be heard' to 'I want to hear you and what you need,' " Ms. Adler Ozair says.
Take the initiative to find a therapist, Ms. Ruble says. "I think she can close the sale by saying, 'I am going to find three people who may be able to help us, we will talk to them on the phone and once we decide together which one we like, we will meet with the counselor for two sessions before we decide to commit.' "
There are steps men can take, too. Be honest about why you are nervous about therapy and what you fear. Read about the process, talk to friends who have gone through it. If you understand more you might realize it's not that bad. Come up with some therapist candidates yourself. This can be empowering.
Remember: Being really good at a lot of things doesn't mean you will be good at everything. "We seem to have no problem taking a new class for professional skills," says Ms. Ruble. "So we shouldn't be ashamed to go out and learn some new emotional skills."
Divorcé's Guide to Marriage
Study Reveals Five Common Themes Underlie Most Divorces
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 24, 2012
Want great marriage advice? Ask a divorced person.
People who lose the most important relationship of their life tend to spend some time thinking about what went wrong. If they are at all self-reflective, this means they will acknowledge their own mistakes, not just their ex's blunders. And if they want to be lucky in love next time, they'll try to learn from these mistakes.
Research shows that most divorced people identify the same top five regrets—behaviors they believe contributed to their marriage's demise and that they resolve to change next time. "Divorced individuals who step back and say, 'This is what I've done wrong and this is what I will change,' have something powerful to teach others," says Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of the new book "Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship." "This is marriage advice learned the hard way," she saysMore Advice From Those Who Have Been There, Done That
Dr. Orbuch has been conducting a longitudinal study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, collecting data periodically from 373 same-race couples who were between the ages of 25 and 37 and in their first year of marriage in 1986, the year the study began. Over the continuing study's 25 years so far, 46% of the couples divorced—a rate in line with the Census and other national data. Dr. Orbuch followed many of the divorced individuals into new relationships and asked 210 of them what they had learned from their mistakes. (Of these 210, 71% found new partners, including 44% who remarried.) This is their hard-earned advice.
Boost your spouse's moodOf the divorced people, 15% said they would give their spouse more of what Dr. Orbuch calls "affective affirmation," including compliments, cuddling and kissing, hand-holding, saying "I love you," and emotional support. "By expressing love and caring you build trust," Dr. Orbuch says.
She says there are four components of displays of affection that divorced people said were important: How often the spouse showed love; how often the spouse made them feel good about the kind of person they are; how often the spouse made them feel good about having their own ideas and ways of doing things; and how often the spouse made life interesting or exciting.
The divorced individuals didn't specifically identify sex as something they would have approached differently, although Dr. Orbuch says it is certainly one aspect of demonstrating love and affection.
Men seem to need nonsexual affirmation even more than women do, Dr. Orbuch says. In her study, when the husband reported that his wife didn't show love and affection, the couple was almost twice as likely to divorce as when the man said he felt cared for and appreciated. The reverse didn't hold true, though. Couples where women felt a lack of affection weren't more likely to divorce.
Do something to demonstrate that your partner is noticed and appreciated every single day, Dr. Orbuch says. It can be as small as saying, "I love you," or "You're a great parent." It can be an action rather than words: Turn on the coffee pot in the morning. Bring in the paper. Warm up the car. Make a favorite dessert. Give a hug.
Money was the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad, that Dr. Orbuch studied. And 49% of divorced people from her study said they fought so much over money with their spouse—whether it was different spending styles, lies about spending, one person making more money and trying to control the other—that they anticipate money will be a problem in their next relationship, too.
There isn't a single financial fix for all couples. Dr. Orbuch says each person needs to examine his or her own approach to money. What did money mean when you were growing up? How do you approach spending and saving now? What are your financial goals?
Partners need to discuss their individual money styles and devise a plan they both can live with. They might decide to pool their money, or keep separate accounts. They might want a joint account for family expenses. In the study, six out of 10 divorced individuals who began a new relationship chose not to combine finances.
"Talk money more often—not just when it's tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along," Dr. Orbuch says. Set ground rules and expectations and stick to them.
Get over the past
To engage in a healthy way with your partner, you need to let go of the past, Dr. Orbuch says.
This includes getting over jealousy of your partner's past relationships, irritation at how your mother-in-law treats you, something from your own childhood that makes it hard for you to trust, a spat you had with your spouse six months ago.
It isn't good advice just for those with broken hearts, she adds.
In Dr. Orbuch's study, divorced individuals who held on to strong emotions for their ex-spouse—whether love or hate—were less healthy than those people who had moved on emotionally.
Having trouble letting go of anger, longing, sadness or grief about the past? Keep a journal. Exercise. Talk to a friend (but not endlessly) about it.
Or try writing to the person who has upset you to explain your feelings: "Dear Mother-in-Law. It's about time you treated me like a full-fledged member of this family and stopped second-guessing my parenting decisions."
Then take the excellent advice Abraham Lincoln is said to have given his secretary of war, who had written an emotional missive to one of his generals.
"Put it in the stove," Lincoln said. "That's what I do when I've written a letter when I am angry."
"This is an exercise for you, to get all the emotions out on paper so you can release them," Dr. Orbuch says.
Blame the relationship
The divorced individuals in the study who blamed ex-spouses, or even themselves, had more anxiety, depression and sleep disorders than individuals who blamed the way that they and their partners interacted. Those who held on to anger were less likely to move on, build a strong new relationship and address future problems in a positive, proactive manner.
It's hard not to blame. In the study, 65% of divorced individuals blamed their ex-spouses, with more women blaming an ex-husband (80%) than men blaming an ex-wife (47%). And 16% of men blamed themselves, compared with only 4% of women. Dr. Orbuch says the men may simply accept their ex's view of the breakup. More men than women admitted to an extramarital affair.
How do you blame in a healthy way? Say "we," not "you" or "I." Say, "We are both so tired lately," not "You are so crabby." When you remove blame, it's easier to come up with a solution.
Ask your partner for his or her view of a problem. Say, "Why do you think we aren't getting along?"
"There are multiple ways of seeing a problem," Dr. Orbuch says. "By getting your partner's perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective."
Reveal more about yourself
Communication style is the No. 1 thing the study's divorced individuals said they would change in the next relationship (41% said they would communicate differently).
Spouses need to speak in a calm and caring voice. They should learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger.
They have to practice "active listening," where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if they understood correctly.
To communicate well, partners need to reveal more about themselves, not just do "maintenance communication."
"It doesn't have to be emotional," Dr. Orbuch says. "But it should be about issues where you learn about what makes each other tick." Such topics help your partner understand you better.
Dr. Orbuch suggests a 10-minute rule: Every day, for 10 minutes, the couple should talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems. No scheduling. No logistics.
"You need to tell each other about your lives and see what makes you each tick," Dr. Orbuch says.
Making This the Year of Great Relationships
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : December 27, 2010
Made any New Year's resolutions yet? Here's an idea: Focus on the state of your relationships instead of the state of your abs.
Increasingly, experts have been telling us how important social bonds are to well-being, affecting everything from how our brains process information to how our bodies respond to stress. People with strong connections to others may live longer. The quality of our relationships is the single biggest predictor of our happiness.
With personal bonds this important, it would seem prudent to put a little work into improving them, especially if they are struggling or even just a little lackluster. And it might not hurt to forge some new ones, too.
I talked with couples and individuals who felt they'd been neglecting their relationships and who vowed last year to pay more attention. Many of them undertook the effort after going through some type of hardship. All learned lessons they were eager to share.
Open Up.
Jim Hayden had a tough 2010. Last Christmas, the 56-year-old executive at a Seattle mobile applications company lost a good friend to ovarian cancer; several months later both his father and father-in-law died. His income fell sharply, his retirement account plummeted 60% and he lost $500,000 selling an investment property in a short sale.
The events were a wake-up call. "We don't appreciate someone or something until it is lost," he says. He decided to focus more on his family members—and to communicate better.
In the past, he says, he behaved "like a control freak," someone who had to be right. He refused to talk about anything in his life that wasn't going well. He was critical of those who didn't live up to his standards.
As a result, he often argued with his wife and two daughters, ages 21 and 25, he says. Sometimes, he would get so angry that he'd throw his cellphone on the ground.
This year, Mr. Hayden worked hard to change. He spent more time with his wife and daughters and listened to their points of view. More importantly, he says, he tried showing them his vulnerable side, talking about things in his life whether good or bad, sharing emotional pain. At times, he has cried in front of them.
"They really embraced me because I am more of a real person," Mr. Hayden says. They share more with him, as well. His wife of 29 years, Signy Hayden, 52, says, "I feel he really cares about what I have to say now, and he won't blow up if it's bad news."
Set a Time—and a Limit.
Earlier this year, Sally Palaian, 52, a psychologist in Royal Oaks, Mich., began feeling disconnected from her partner of seven years, Gary Haelewyn. She was getting home from work at 8 or 9 p.m., just when Mr. Haelewyn, 62, a computer programmer, was winding down for the night. The difference in their conversational styles complicated matters. "I am looking for contact and connection," Dr. Palaian says. "He would say, 'We already talked on the phone during the day. Didn't we cover that?' "
After attending a conference on personal communication, Dr. Palaian hit on a solution: an oven timer. Now she and Mr. Haelewyn sit down at night to chat—for five minutes each. They relate the highlights of the day; if one person raises a potential conflict, they agree to talk about it later. And if they want to speak longer, they do, but mostly they stick to the time limit.
Ms. Palaian says the timer has helped by forcing her to condense and to avoid tangents that can bore or frustrate her partner. "You can't believe how much you can get out in five minutes," she says. "You think everything has to be talked to death and it doesn't." Mr. Haelewyn likes the timer, too, because it forces him to share more details of his life to fill his allotted time. "I can talk a little more and know that it's just five minutes," he says. "I won't have to talk all night."
Take It Outside.
Two years ago, Rebecca Cohen became concerned that her family wasn't spending enough time together. Her young sons often were absorbed with TV or electronic toys and she was busy checking email or doing housework. She made a rule: Every day, everyone has to spend some time together outside.
"I noticed when I was with my family outside how much more we got along," says Ms. Cohen, 38, a gardening consultant in Gainesville, Va.
And if they are outside, they can't scatter to their separate devices, whether TV, computer screen or iPhone. Now, she walks her sons, 6 and 8, to school and back each day. She and her husband take a walk with the boys and the dog after dinner most nights. They go biking or hiking on weekends.
Time outdoors helps alleviate stress and encourages everyone to talk, Ms. Cohen says. She has learned more about her children's interests and how they think, and she and her husband find it easier to say things more openly outside. "There is probably something about not physically facing each other," she says. "The outdoors gives everyone space to be themselves."
Six-year-old Warner Cohen has seen a benefit, too. "I notice when my mom goes outside, her feelings get really calm," he says.
Discuss Finances.
When Gary Zaremba, 53, and his wife, Laura Jackson-Zaremba, 52, got married almost three years ago, they decided to keep separate bank accounts. Before long, though, money became a bit of a problem. Mr. Zaremba, a Manhattan real-estate developer, makes 70% more than his wife, a publicist. He says splitting bills and restaurant meals became awkward. Then he purchased a Lexus SUV without telling his wife, and this upset her.
"It was creating some secrecy," he says. "We weren't talking about money, even as we were talking about other things."
The couple decided to sit down and discuss their personal approaches to money, how much each would contribute to their common expenses and investments and who will handle the record-keeping. They pay their bills from a joint account, to which they each contribute—Mr. Zaremba puts in 75%, Ms. Jackson-Zaremba 25%.
"The fact that we were talking about money more openly created a trust," Mr. Zaremba says.
His wife agrees: "Money doesn't feel like an issue anymore," she says.
Reach Out.
Mary Lou Quinlan and Valerie Sherman have lived across the hall from each other in a Manhattan apartment building for 16 years. But other than the occasional chat or glass of wine, the two women and their husbands didn't socialize much, until about a year ago.
Ms. Quinlan, 57, chief executive of a marketing company focused on women, was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. She shared this news with Ms. Sherman and told her she had taken up yoga to help cope with the radiation treatment. She invited Ms. Sherman to join her.
Now, on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, the two women meet in the hall at 7:05 and walk down the block to the yoga studio. At first, they chatted about neighborhood gossip or vacation plans. But over time, their conversations ranged to more personal matters. They have discussed illness, work, how to care for aging parents, the death of Ms. Quinlan's father. The two couples now often have dinner together.
"We have discovered how much we both have in common," says Ms. Sherman, 54, a vice president at an international realty firm.
Says Ms. Quinlan: "To know that behind the door across the hall is someone who knows what I love, what I worry about, what I hope to do next, makes home more like home to me."
Talk the Talk
Some tips for improving interactions with loved ones:
- Share more. Be open and honest about what is really going on in your life. This will help others relate to you better and, in turn, open up to you.
- Make time to talk. Agree to a time to chat each day. Consider setting a time limit, especially for couples where one person likes to talk more than the other. It helps the quiet person speak up—and the chatty one focus on what's really worth saying.
- Go outside together. Being outdoors relieves stress and makes it easier to connect. There's also less need for direct eye contact, sometimes a good thing.
- Discuss finances. Money is one of the most divisive issues in a relationship. Discuss it and decide how to manage it before it becomes a problem.
- Turn off the computer. And the iPhone, TV and videogames.
- Too many families spend evenings with their separate electronic devices. Try talking without a screen in front of you.
- Make new friends. Research shows that high-quality relationships are important. Add to your support network by reaching out to someone you'd like to know better.
In the Middle: Why Elderly Couples Fight
By Susan Seliger : NY Times : December 17, 2012
George and Gracie (let's call them that because using their real names would make them even unhappier than they already appear to be) are in their 80s and have been married for more than 65 years. Until recently they seemed to ride the waves that are inevitable in any marriage that spans nearly seven decades; through good and bad, they were partners and best friends.
But lately -- ever since her hospitalization and his fall -- they have been arguing more bitterly than usual ("Do you have to make such a mess in the kitchen?"), criticizing each other ("Why haven't you dealt with the insurance company yet?"), withdrawing from each other, and generally making each other more miserable, more often than ever before.
This kind of degenerative relationship is not uncommon among the elderly in even the happiest marriages, marriage therapists and geriatricians said. But that is small comfort to either the couple in the middle of the maelstrom, or the children who care for them, as evidenced by a number of postings on caregiver blogs. As some of the children have wondered there: "Why can't we all just get along?"
Therapists and others who work with the elderly said the first step to addressing the problem is understanding where it came from.
"A key question is whether the marital bickering is part of a lifelong marital style or a change," said Dr. Linda Waite, director of the Center on Demography and Economics of Aging at NORC/University of Chicago. Is it new behavior - or just new to the grown children who are suddenly so deeply enmeshed in their parents' lives that they are only now noticing that something is amiss?
How much of the problem is really just the marriage style? "Some couples like to fight and argue - it keeps their adrenaline going," said Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland and author of "Overwhelmed: Coping With Life's Ups and Downs."
Sometimes the best judges of whether there is a problem are outsiders, said Dr. William Dale, chief of geriatrics at the University of Chicago Geriatrics Medicine. Pay attention if someone says, "'Gee, Mom seems more argumentative or withdrawn than the last time I saw her,'" Dr. Dale advised.
If the tone or severity of the marital tensions seem new, then it is important to find out why. The causes could be mental or physical, doctors say.
On the mental front, increased anger and fighting could be one of the first signs of mild cognitive impairment, a precursor of dementia or Alzheimer's, in one or both of the spouses, said Dr. Lisa Gwyther, director of the Duke Center for Aging Family Support Program and an associate professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences.
Dr. Dale concurs: "There is good evidence that the earliest signs of cognitive impairment are often emotional changes" -- anger, anxiety, depression -- "rather than cognitive ones" -- memory, abstract thought.
But these early signs of cognitive decline can be so subtle that neither the spouses themselves, or their grown children, recognize them for what they are, Dr. Gwyther said. So husband and wife blame each other for the changes and allow feelings of hurt and resentment to grow.
Withdrawing from activities that used to give them pleasure can be a telltale sign of mild cognitive impairment - and can trigger anger and arguments.
"In one couple, the husband just didn't want to participate in the holidays -- the wife got angry and said he was being lazy and stubborn," said Dr. Gwyther. But the truth was that his cognitive decline made all the activity overwhelming, and he didn't want anyone to know that he was anxious about not remembering everyone's names and embarrassing himself.
Suspicion and paranoia can also accompany mild cognitive decline and precipitate distrust and hurtful accusations. Dr. Gwyther recalled another woman who "called her daughter frantic because she said her husband dropped her at her chemo appointment, went to park the car, and didn't return to get her." The woman couldn't imagine that her husband could possibly have lost his sense of time and direction, Dr. Gwyther added. She took it personally, complaining to her daughter that "your father doesn't seem to care any more."
Dr. Dale told of a spouse who accused her mate of infidelity because "she was convinced that when he was out grocery shopping he was really having an affair."
Hoarding, an early symptom of mild cognitive impairment, can also create tension in a marriage. (For new treatments, see this recent post by my colleague Paula Span.)
When one couple came to a counseling session with Dr. Norman Abeles, emeritus professor of psychology and former director of psychological clinic at Michigan State University, the hoarding spouse finally said she did it because she thought that they would run out of money, "even though there was enough money to go around." Dr. Abeles said that incident led to her diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment.
Adding to the confusion, mild cognitive impairment, or M.C.I., comes and goes. "There are good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours," said Dr. Gwyther. "Alzheimer's and dementia don't start on Tuesday -- it's a slow insidious onset." But the diagnosis is becoming more common: The Institute for Dementia Research and Prevention predicts that 1 in 6 women, and 1 in 10 men, who live past the age of 55 will develop dementia in their lifetime.
"Spouses find it difficult to know when their partner with M.C.I. is acting differently, usually badly, due to the advancing illness or due to 'willful' personality issues," said Dr. Dale, citing a 2007 study in the journal Family Relations exploring the problems this can create for couples.
Blaming is often easier than understanding. Another of Dr. Gwyther's patients was furious at her husband for not filing their taxes. "He's a C.P.A.," she said. "How could we owe back taxes?" It did not occur to her that he might be unable to handle that task -- and was too frightened about his deteriorating mental focus to let her know.
But as harmful as mental decline can be for a marriage, it is just part of the equation. Physical ailments - even those that seem completely unrelated to marital relations - "can upset the equilibrium of the marriage," according to a study in The Canadian Medical Association Journal.
"Most men get angry at what's happened to them when they get ill, women get angry and scared when he's not what he used to be -- so they fight," said Dr. Schlossberg.
Chronic illnesses, like diabetes, arthritis and heart disease, can have a strong negative effect on mood, said Dr. Waite, who will soon be publishing a study on the subject. Diabetes is so often accompanied by depression that Dr. Waite said "one of my colleagues argues that that it is even part of the disease."
And ailments can have an effect on a couple's sex life -- which can compound the marital problems, doctors said.
"Diabetes brings on neuropathy," said Dr. Waite. "That means touching and feeling in sex is not as rewarding." Without the pleasures of affectionate touching -- whether a passing hug at the sink or more -- tensions can build. That's why, if a couple is having problems with sex, they are more likely to have problems in the relationship -- and vice versa, according to a 2007 New England Journal of Medicine study of sex and health among older adults.
Other changes in circumstances -- retirement, shifting roles, the loss of autonomy, disparities in health and abilities -- can wreak havoc. Losing independence can feel like losing oneself -- and if you don't know who you are any more, how can you know how to relate to your spouse?
"Fighting may come from a misguided notion that you can regain power by asserting it over your spouse," said Dr. Schlossberg, whose observations are echoed in a 1984 study in The Canadian Journal of Medicine. "It doesn't work, it's false power - but they'll try anything."
The sheer exhaustion that can come from being the caregiving spouse is also bound to "make them stressed and angry," said Dr. Waite. Not to mention guilty and resentful -- never a prescription for happy marital relations.
"Part of the trap for the caregiver is the idea that you have to do it all, and the guilt you feel when you cannot live up to it," said Dr. Gordon Herz, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, Wisc. Not surprisingly, resentment can soon follow, Dr. Herz added, because it is hard to admit to anyone that, "'this is too much for me.'"
What can outside caregivers -- children or other loved ones -- do about these golden marriages on the rocks? Should they intervene -- or butt out? And can marital therapy help -- or is it too late to change?
In the Middle: Helping Unhappy Couples
By Susan Seliger : NY Times : December 18, 2012
The previous article discussed the forces that can make an older couple's good marriage suddenly go bad -- an array of subtle, and often-misunderstood, mental, physical and emotional factors that can upset the equilibrium of even the happiest marriages.
Now we have consulted marriage counselors and geriatricians to find out what caregivers -- either the grown children of the couple, or one of the spouses involved-- can do to help restore peace and balance to these relationships. The experts consulted uniformly agreed that even older people can at least take steps to reduce tensions and improve their relationship, even if they cannot actually change. (Really, who can, at any age?)
"Even though the situation may seem overwhelming, take heart," said Dr. Gordon Herz, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, Wisc., who specializes in neuropsychology and rehabilitation psychology. "Couples who have been together for 60 years tend to have worked out ways to manage conflict - or they wouldn't still be together."
Retreat to a neutral corner
When grown children see their parents fight, many want to run and hide. But those who are assuming an increased caregiving role often feel impelled to jump in and "fix" the problem, as they do with the other caregiving issues.
If you are so inclined, experts speak with one loud voice to advise: Don't!
Trying to act as emotional broker between your parents can backfire. (Now they tell me! Suffice it to say that after one such effort my sister said to me in not exactly the friendliest tone, "Well, that went well, didn't it?")
"It's better if your parents can find somebody else to talk to than you," said Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland and the author of "Overwhelmed: Coping With Life's Ups and Downs."
Don't give up on marital therapy
"Marital therapy for individuals over 65 years of age is difficult, since habits of a lifetime are deeply ingrained," stated a study in The Canadian Journal of Medicine, one of the few in the medical literature about marital therapy among older people.
"Yet, in a sense, marital therapy is more crucial for the elderly than for younger patients," the study continued. "At a time when they are least adaptable and most vulnerable to stress and are entering perhaps the most difficult period of their lives, the elderly must learn new methods of relating and coping" because of the physical and mental changes described in our earlier post.
There's another reason learning to cope with life changes as a couple is even more critical for older couples: Unlike younger couples, the elderly are rarely in a position to leave the marriage and start over.
Help at least one spouse get counseling
What if only half the couple is ready to seek counseling? Not a problem, therapists said. "You want to help the part of the couple that is suffering," said Dr. Elaine Rodino, a therapist in private practice in State College, Penn. "The other person may still be the curmudgeon, but I think of it as the law of physics: When you change one aspect of the formula, things change in the total."
When dementia affects one of the spouses, therapy can help the caregiving spouse learn coping techniques, "which can reduce the marital discord and stress that can make conditions, especially cognitive difficulties, worse," said Dr. William Dale, chief of geriatrics at the University of Chicago Geriatrics Medicine.
Consider the general practitioner or internist
If the couple won't see a marriage counselor or therapist, can a family doctor be of any use? The experts had mixed responses.
Many pointed out that general practitioners have neither the time nor the training to offer much relationship help, unless the origin of the problem is exclusively physical. Others thought they could be of use, if given a little direction from the family.
"I encourage the kids to talk to the doctor in advance and let him know something is going on - signs of depression or other problems the parents won't talk about," advised Dr. Dale, adding that a consultation with a geriatrician who is more familiar with problems of the aging might be even more productive. "Then the doctor can say, 'Gee, you sound really frustrated or down - are there any reasons we can explore?'"
Don't overlook the importance of intimacy
"Mutually stimulating sexual relationships need care and feeding by both partners at any age, but especially in the geriatric years," according to a study on marital therapy for the elderly. "The need for physical contact, warmth and touching perhaps reaches a peak in this age of loneliness, decreased self-esteem and poor health."
Forget the idea that elderly couples are too shy to talk about intimacy, insisted Dr. Rodino. "I saw a couple in their 80s, the husband was getting penile injections at the doctor's office, and then they hurried home to have sex."
But Dr. Rodino does concede that for older patients it is especially important to focus not only on sexual function and performance, but on "touching, and non-intercourse sexual relations; I help them rekindle the affection and emotional closeness," Dr. Rodino said.
Address any neuropsychological issues.
To find out whether the sudden marital conflict may stem from early mild cognitive impairment (M.C.I.) -or to rule M.C.I. out and find the real source of trouble -- make sure the spouse obtains a full neuropsychological evaluation. If it is M.C.I., "it convinces everybody that there is more than just abstinence, it's not a personality problem -- and they need to address it," said Dr. Dale.
Don't overlook simple solutions
"Sometimes a memory problem is something simple, like low vitamin B12, that is easily fixed," said Dr. Dale. "Or hypothyroidism, which is quite common, can affect memory."
In that case, doctors administer synthroid, a thyroid hormone replacement that Dr. Dale said is "very safe, with almost no side effects." Other changes in behavior can also be the result of a simple problem or be remedied by a change in medication. Don't assume the worst.
Put an end to the blame game
Help reframe the problem. "Even if dementia is involved, let them know it's not that their partner hates them, it's that he is having cognitive changes," said Dr. Linda Waite, director of the Center on Demography and Economics of Aging at NORC/University of Chicago.
"When you re-frame it like that, it's easier for the spouse not to take it personally and not blame themselves and feel it's something they did," said Dr. Waite. "It can make a difference."
A 2009 study in the journal Gerontologist supports this notion: "Care partners likely would benefit from strategies aimed at reducing self-blame, enhancing coping skills and communicating effectively with the person with M.C.I and significant others."
Separate the anxiety
Divide and conquer -- time away improves time together.
"Older couples, especially those with disabilities, spend way too much time together," said Dr. Lisa Gwyther, director of the Duke Center for Aging Family Support Program. "It would be a problem for any couple."
Caregivers can best help by arranging for an activity or outing that each spouse can do separately so they can return to each other refreshed and more cheerful. "That can help a lot," said Dr. Gwyther.
Dial down the tone
For spouse caregivers, it is important to watch not just what is said, but how it is said. In any relationship, tone influences our interpretation of what our partner says. Those with M.C.I. will especially react to tone, rather than the substance of the exchange, Dr. Dale said.
"Ratchet down the emotions, repeat things calmly," Dr. Dale said. The person with cognitive problems doesn't know he asked the same question five times -- he only knows that you sound angry at him for no reason he can fathom. One spouse's anger fuels the other's, and pretty soon there is a fight or withdrawal.
Zero tolerance for violence
If a spouse becomes violent, "that's an entirely different issue," said Dr. Schlossberg. "Call in an expert on family violence" or the police.
Help them help others
Nobody likes feeling dependent and having to ask for help. Finding a way to have your loved one volunteer, help others and continue to feel useful can improve moods and marital interactions - even if M.C.I. is involved.
With one couple Dr. Gwyther saw, the wife was not only "driving her husband nuts because she was asking him the same questions over and over," but she could no longer drive and deliver food in a mobile meals program as she used to. "So her husband agreed to be the driver -- and she took the meals to the doors," Dr. Gwyther recalled."It made her feel good to continue to do that -- and it made them feel good to do it together."
Caregiver, heal thyself
You have heard it a million times here and elsewhere but, unlike us, this advice never gets old.
If you are exhausted from caregiving, you are bound to be cranky, and that will make everybody around you edgy and irritable, too -- especially the spouse who requires your care. Taking the time to look after your own health and engage in activities that bring you pleasure can go a long way toward reducing stress and reestablishing a peaceful balance in a marriage.
Couples Therapy for One: To Fix a Marriage, Some Go Alone
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : March 6, 2012
Many couples in troubled marriages wait too long to get help. By the time both spouses agree to counseling, the relationship has often been strained to the breaking point.
Some spouses, though, have found a way to work on their marriages even if their partners won't go to couples counseling. They go alone.
Colleen Orme, 48, a marketing consultant living in Great Falls, Va., did this several years ago, after her marriage hit a rough patch. She believed her husband had stopped treating her with respect. He drove her car and returned it with no gas. He showed up two hours late to a charity event she'd been planning for months. He ignored her birthday. The two had many long, circular arguments in which she tried to explain her feelings and he defended himself.
Ms. Orme suggested couples counseling, and for a few months they both went to therapy sessions. Then, her husband quit. "I was looking for some answers and just wasn't getting any," says Tom Orme, 49, a sales representative for school products. "She complained about me and I complained about her."
Ms. Orme decided to continue without him. "We spend a lot of time in marriages trying to fix the other person," she says. "I changed my approach and decided to focus on how I can become happy."
Taking a new approach in couples therapy, some counselors say troubled marriages can benefit even if just one spouse seeks help. And usually that spouse is the wife: Experts say women are more likely than men to get relationship-focused therapy alone.
At the University of Denver, unpublished results from a five-year longitudinal study of 300 long-term couples suggest that a month or so after receiving relationship-skills training, those who got it as individuals saw as much improvement in their relationships as those who got the training as a couple. A year and a half after the training, the Denver researchers found that couples where the women attended sessions alone reported being happier than couples where the men attended alone.
Howard Markman, a psychologist and the study's lead researcher, says the women learned relationship skills more easily and were better at teaching them to their partners. Women also are more comfortable talking about feelings and the strong emotions that arise in couples therapy. While there is no hard data available, Dr. Markman estimates that in his own practice, when one spouse is resisting counseling it is the man about 70% of the time. Some other therapists estimate that figure in their own practices as high as 90%. Couples therapy is basic conflict management. "One of the major problems in relationships is that people can't handle the inevitable problems," Dr. Markman says. Couples therapy focuses on the present, not the past. It helps people identify negative interaction patterns, recognize their individual role in them and do their part to change them.
The process works best if both partners participate, experts say. But if just one partner is willing, a couples-based approach can be substantially more effective for the marriage than traditional individual psychotherapy, Dr. Markman says. This is because couples therapy teaches practical skills for improving the relationship; individual therapy often focuses on uncovering patterns from childhood and other experiences. Dr. Markman recently started offering relationship coaching on the phone for women who can't get their spouses into counseling.
In order for couples therapy alone to work, there are some ground rules. The relationship must be basically sound—no lying, cheating or abuse. The therapist will focus on the relationship, not the individual. And the partner who doesn't come to therapy must still want to improve the marriage and should be informed about what goes on.
Whether in couples therapy alone or with a spouse, everyone must recognize that they won't be able to change the other person, only themselves, therapists say. And each spouse needs to recognize his or her own role in creating the conflict. "I have never seen a relationship where all of the problems are the fault of one person," says Eli Karam, assistant professor at the University of Louisville's marriage and family therapy program.
Rather than griping, the focus will be on problems that can be solved. Is one partner always late? This can be addressed. Hate your in-laws? Too bad. Dr. Karam says he tries to help clients re-frame behaviors in a positive way. He might tell a husband who feels his wife is overly focused on details that at least the bills will be paid on time. "We need to remember why we were attracted in the first place," Dr. Karam says.
Ms. Orme says at first she felt stuck in a rut while in couples counseling alone. "I would say, How can he not value me? Why can't he be mature?" she recalls. And the arguing didn't stop. Her husband recalls telling her, "If you want to go to counseling and get some insight, great, but you're not my doctor."
After two years, Ms. Orme says she finally started to hear what her counselor was saying. "I couldn't blame my husband forever," she says. The Ormes have been married 23 years.
Ms. Orme's therapist helped her to stop pleading with her husband and start explaining to him what was important to her and expecting him to respect her needs. If she had a work deadline, she asked him to watch the kids.
"He is probably treating me differently because I won't tolerate certain things anymore," Ms. Orme says. "But I've also become a happier person, because I am not looking for him to make me happy anymore."
Mr. Orme says he was confused by his wife's changes at first but gradually came to appreciate her independence. "When she changed her behavior, the pressure dissipated," he says. "And when that is gone, you can think more clearly and your whole perspective changes."
How to Make the Most of Marriage Therapy for One
- Find a therapist who practices an evidence-based approach like cognitive behavioral couples therapy. Therapists who say they are 'couples friendly' focus on the relationship, not either individual.
- Ask your spouse why he doesn't want to go. Does he not agree there is a problem? Is he scared of what he will find out? Does he just not care? The answers to these questions will help you figure out where you stand.
- Understand the goal. It isn't to change your partner. It is to gain insight into your role in the dysfunctional pattern. 'One spouse is never 100% of the problem,' says Eli Karam, assistant professor at the University of Louisville's marriage and family therapy program.
- Invite your spouse to come with you to therapy, but don't coerce. Do not threaten divorce! Your partner should be curious about this other person in your life. Perhaps he wants to come one time to meet your therapist? Even one meeting can help give a therapist perspective on the marriage.
- Share insights, reading materials, even 'homework'—and ask for help. If your spouse says he doesn't get it, respond with curiosity. Say, It made sense to me, what is confusing about it to you? 'Go in the side door,' says Kim Leatherdale, a Little Silver, N.J., marriage therapist. 'You are encouraging your spouse to open up.'
Meet the Marriage Killer
It's More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : January 25, 2012
Ken Mac Dougall bit into the sandwich his wife had packed him for lunch and noticed something odd—a Post-it note tucked between the ham and the cheese. He pulled it out of his mouth, smoothed the crinkles and read what his wife had written: "Be in aisle 10 of Home Depot tonight at 6 p.m."
Mr. Mac Dougall was renovating the couple's Oak Ridge, N.J., kitchen, and his wife had been urging him to pick out the floor tiles. He felt he had plenty of time to do this task. She felt unheard.
"I thought the note was an ingenious and hysterical way to get his attention," says his wife, Janet Pfeiffer (whose occupation, interestingly enough, is a motivational speaker), recalling the incident which occurred several years ago. Her husband, a technician at a company that modifies vehicles for handicapped drivers, didn't really see it that way. "I don't need a reminder in the middle of my sandwich," he says.
Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.Why do we nag? "We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it," says Scott Wetzler, a psychologist and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. It is a vicious circle: The naggee tires of the badgering and starts to withhold, which makes the nagger nag more.
Personality contributes to the dynamic, Dr. Wetzler says. An extremely organized, obsessive or anxious person may not be able to refrain from giving reminders, especially if the partner is laid back and often does things at the last minute. Other people are naturally resistant—some might say lazy—and could bring out the nagger in anyone.
It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong. The problem is that by asking repeatedly, they make things worse.
Men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.
Nagging can become a prime contributor to divorce when couples start fighting about the nagging rather than talking about the issue at the root of the nagging, says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has researched conflict and communication in relationships and offered relationship counseling and marriage seminars. He says that while all couples deal with nagging at some point, those who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will substantially increase their odds of staying together and keeping love alive. Couples who don't learn often fall out of love and split up.
Research that Dr. Markman published in 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication. "Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist," Dr. Markman says.
The good news: Couples can learn to stop nagging. Early in their marriage, Ms. Pfeiffer, now 62, repeatedly reminded her husband about household tasks and became more demanding when he ignored her. "If I was asking him to take care of something that mattered to me and he was blowing me off, that made me feel like I didn't matter," she says.
Mr. Mac Dougall, 58, says the nagging made his muscles tense, he would become silent and his eyes would glaze over in a "thousand-yard stare." "Her requests conveyed some sort of urgency that I didn't think was needed," he says. "If I said I was going to get to it, I would definitely get to it."
Ms. Pfeiffer decided to soften her approach. She asked herself, "How can I speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to him?" She began writing requests on Post-it notes, adding little smiley faces or hearts. Mr. Mac Dougall says he was initially peeved about the sandwich note but did show up at Home Depot that evening smiling.
Ms. Pfeiffer sometimes writes notes to him from the appliances that need to be fixed. "I really need your help," a recent plea began. "I am really backed up and in a lot of discomfort." It was signed "your faithful bathtub drain." "As long as I am not putting pressure on him, he seems to respond better," Ms. Pfeiffer says. Mr. Mac Dougall agrees. "The notes distract me from the face-to-face interaction," he says. "There's no annoying tone of voice or body posture. It's all out of the equation."
The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are stuck in a bad pattern. You are fighting about fighting. You need to work to understand what makes the other person tick. Rather than lazy and unloving, is your husband overworked and tired? Is your wife really suggesting she doesn't trust you? Or is she just trying to keep track of too many chores?
Noreen Egurbide, 44, of Westlake Village, Calif., says she used to give her husband frequent reminders to take out the garbage, get the car serviced or pick up the kids from school. "I thought I was helping him," she says. Jose Egurbide, 47, often waited a while before doing what she asked. The couple would argue. Sometimes Ms. Egurbide would just do it herself.
A few years ago, they got insight into their nagging problem after taking a problem-solving assessment test, the Kolbe Assessment. Ms. Egurbide, a business coach, learned she is a strategic planner who gathers facts and organizes in advance. Her husband, an attorney, learned that he is resistant to being boxed into a plan. Now, Ms. Egurbide says, "I don't take it personally when he doesn't respond." "There is a sense of recognition about what's happening," Mr. Egurbide says. "It's easier to accommodate each other."
Is nagging a problem in your relationship? Here are some tips for both partners to help curb it.
•Calm down—both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help.
•Look at it from the other person's perspective. 'Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don't love me.' 'I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.'
•If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an 'I' not a 'you' statement. Say 'I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,' instead of 'You never pay the bill on time.'
•Explain why your request is important to you. 'I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can't afford to pay late fees.'
•Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately?
•Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. ('Can you change the car oil this weekend?') Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it.
•If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner's request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do.
•Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing.
Delicate Art of Fixing a Broken Friendship
Forgiving Is Good for You, Researchers Say, But Take It Slow; You May Be Ready to Start Over, But Your Friend May Not
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : July 26, 2011
A friend emailed me one evening to say she felt I wasn't there when she needed me.
I was stunned. I reminded her that I'd already spoken with her twice that day about a problem she had. She replied with a list of all the things she ever did for me. We bickered, via email, for the better part of an hour. Then angry and hurt, I typed these words and hit send: "This friendship isn't working for me anymore. I am bowing out."
Whoa... How was I going to fix that?
Some friendships are meant to end. Pals move away, grow apart, or something happens to make it clear that the relationship isn't mutually beneficial anymore. The memories are good, but it's time to move on.
Last year, I wrote about how to terminate a friendship efficiently and kindly, minimizing collateral damage with mutual friends and leaving the door open for possible future reconciliation ("How to Break Up with a Friend").
Because here's the thing with friendship breakups: Sometimes you come to regret them.
A good friend is an emotional safe haven, providing support, guidance and laughter. When someone like that is suddenly gone from your life, it can be heart-wrenching. But how do you go about rebuilding a friendship that has splintered? When do you reach out? What do you say, and what if your former friend doesn't want to hear it? Texting "I'm sorry" probably won't cut it.
It bears saying that it's best not to let conflict become a crisis in the first place. "A relationship is an active process, and a repair should be an ongoing process, as well," says Frederic Luskin, a psychologist, director of the Forgiveness Project at Stanford University, which researches how forgiveness is good for mental and physical health, and author of "Forgive for Good." "You need to pay attention and not just be wrapped up in what you need to say," he says. If you have an argument, address the situation right away. Acknowledge your friend's feelings. Ask him to tell you how he feels. Apologize.
If you do end up estranged from your friend, find a way to make peace—even if you feel you weren't at fault or the forgiving isn't mutual. Forgiveness—asking for it and granting it—is good for your health. Research shows it lowers your blood pressure, decreases depression and has a positive effect on the nervous system, says Dr. Luskin.
Is there a time limit on mending a broken friendship? It depends, the experts say. Time can make the situation worse, allowing people to stew in their grievances too long, or letting them forget what was good about the union in the first place. But often time heals—especially if the parties mellow, mature or otherwise change their perspectives.
"What is important is what happens during the time of noncommunication," says Daniel L. Shapiro, a psychologist, director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program and co-author of "Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate." "Am I trying to better understand myself and my estranged friend's perspective?" he asks. "Or am I demonizing the other?"
Dr. Shapiro works with negotiators who are political adversaries or from estranged countries, to help them cope with the emotional dimension of conflict and negotiation and to deal more effectively with their differences. He teaches each side to dig beneath complicated emotions that may bog down the reconciliation process, and focus on five core concerns to foster positive feelings: Appreciation—meaning each party needs to feel heard and valued. Autonomy—each side needs freedom to decide if and when he or she wants to make up. Affiliation—each side needs to close the distance to regain closeness. Status—each needs to recognize that they contributed to the conflict. Role—each needs to adopt the position of listener, problem solver or healer.
Each side needs to be patient. Friends trying to reconcile shouldn't expect an immediate return to closeness, Dr. Shapiro says. They need to regain trust.
At first, I was reluctant to make up with my friend. I was hurt that she'd lashed into me. She responded to my silence over the next few days by periodically emailing me goofy photos of cute animals, which only irritated me more. I told her I needed space; she told me to take as long as I needed, that she would be patient.
Then my mom piped up. She knew how much this friendship meant to me. After hearing my side of the argument, she told me to stop being so stubborn and apologize. So I wrote my pal and said, "I miss you and I'm sorry I'm such an idiot." She excitedly responded that she was sorry too and happy to move on. (It pains me to admit that no matter how old I get, mom often still knows best.)
A few years ago, Wendy Knight, 46, a publicist in Panton, Vt., accused a very good friend of hers of hitting on her boyfriend. The friend was speechless and said she would never do that. The next day, the woman told Ms. Knight in an email that there was no point in being friends if she really felt that way. "I was actually surprised," Ms. Knight recalls. "I thought, 'Wait a minute, I didn't think this is how she would respond.' How silly of me."
Over the next year, Ms. Knight realized she was devastated over the loss of her friend. The two had often hiked and shared meals together. They had supported each other through relationship breakups and the loss of two parents. Now that Ms. Knight had broken up with her boyfriend, she missed her girlfriend.
So Ms. Knight composed a handwritten letter of apology to her friend saying she regretted causing her so much pain. She explained that she had taken the insecurity she felt in her relationship with her boyfriend out on her friend, and asked for her forgiveness. She told her friend how much she missed her.
The friend called immediately. She said that she cried when she read the letter. The two women chatted and slowly began renewing a friendship, emailing and talking on the phone regularly. Ms. Knight went to visit her friend in Texas, where she'd moved. Then they started going on vacations together. Today they are closer than ever.
Make-Up Kit Here are some tips for mending a broken friendship.
- When in doubt, err on the side of trying to reconcile.
- Vent to a third party who is supportive of the friendship, not to your estranged friend.
- You may be ready to make up, but don't assume your friend is, too. Invite your friend to work with you.
- Ask what you did wrong—and listen to the answer. Apologize. Take it slow. Rebuilding trust takes time.
Friendly Fight: A Smarter Way to Say 'I'm Angry'
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : April 16, 2011
"Darling, can we talk?
"I know you didn't mean to upset me, but you did. I'd like to clear the air so we can quickly and maturely move on to enjoying our relationship again."
Sound familiar? Of course not.
In a culture where it's easy to fire off a snippy email or text, most of us have a hard time honestly expressing anger face to face. If someone upsets us, often we shout, stomp off, roll our eyes, refuse to speak to the person or complain to everyone else. Or we kid ourselves that we aren't upset and subconsciously fume—until one day we explode over the seemingly littlest thing.
None of this, of course, is healthy for us or our relationships. Most of us could stand to learn to express anger in a more productive, less destructive way.
Recently, I took a personality test for a column about how these psychological instruments can help us communicate better with our loved ones. The psychologist who interpreted my results told me that I hate conflict and try hard to avoid getting mad at others. As a result, he explained, I sometimes wait way too long to tell someone that I am upset. By the time I do, I am furious.
This would explain how we sometimes can get so angry at someone we love that we lash out and hurt them. "Anger is a defensive maneuver, a reaction to feeling wounded," says Mark Goulston, a Los Angeles psychiatrist and author of "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone." "You're surprised by a disappointment or a hurt that you didn't expect, so you bite back to stave off a second wound."
Like most things, we learned this behavior—how to show, or not to show, anger—from our parents. Did your folks bottle up their anger, have explosive arguments, give each other the silent treatment? Unless you've had a lot of therapy, I bet you typically now react the same way.
Russ Wooten, a 40-year-old bartender in Hendersonville, N.C., who grew up in a polite Southern family, says his parents never allowed themselves to get mad in front of him; if they started to argue, they sent him to his room. His wife, Tami Dal Bo, 40 and a massage therapist, says her relatives were expressive and rarely sugarcoated their feelings; they had no trouble arguing in front of her.
Mr. Wooten prefers to avoid confrontation but admits he can be passive-aggressive and may make condescending comments when he is mad. Ms. Dal Bo says she has no problem expressing her anger: Sometimes she gets so upset with her husband that she won't talk to him for days.
Recently, Ms. Dal Bo became irritated that her husband was ignoring her requests to get his 14-year-old daughter (her stepdaughter) to clean up her room. When the couple chatted in the kitchen one day, she told him she didn't think he was parenting correctly. Mr. Wooten replied that he was trying to nurture his daughter rather than punish her. Ms. Wooten stormed out of the room, locked herself in their bedroom and ultimately refused to speak to her husband for two days.
Mr. Wooten says he was hurt. "Whenever the door locks in the bedroom and I am not in there, I know that is not good," he says. Ms. Dal Bo admits that her behavior was "childish" but seemed necessary at the time. "It was an attention-getter, but it was the only way I had in the moment of expressing myself," she says. "I was frustrated and didn't want to say things I would regret."
There's a problem with holding back: Once you do get angry, you may explode. When you're mad, your brain gets a wash of chemicals, including adrenaline, which makes you ready to fight or flee. Unfortunately, this state can continue for hours. It can be harder for men to calm down from their chemical rush than it is for women, Dr. Goulston says.
Anger can be contagious. Mirror neurons, located in the part of the brain responsible for imitation, learning and empathy, make us subconsciously mimic each other. This is why we often yawn right after someone else yawns—it's nature's way of facilitating bonding and cooperation. The problem is that we mimic bad behavior as well as good, Dr. Goulston says. So when someone is shouting at us, our mirror neurons start firing and we want to fight back.
For 20 years, Dr. Nancy Zapolski, a psychologist and vice president at Landmark Education, a San Francisco-based personal-development firm, has taught people how to communicate—rather than let angry feelings fester—in seminars and courses. "Where we get in trouble is when we let things build up, because if there is something that you are not saying, then there is a closeness that is just not available to you," says
Before telling someone you are angry, she advises, remind yourself of the purpose of speaking up. "The intention is not to get something off your chest or to dump something on the other person," she says. "The intention is to restore the affinity and the love in the relationship."
Ask yourself: Why am I really mad? What expectations did I have that weren't met? What did I want to happen that didn't happen? The answers will help you better understand your feelings and focus on what you need to say. People can't read minds, Dr. Zapolski says. "It's important to tell them what you want."
For years, Joanna Burgraf, 30, and her brother, Peter Burgraf, 28, would fight like, well, siblings. They would yell, or hang up the phone on each other. Ms. Burgraf sometimes would cry; Mr. Burgraf once got so mad he punched a wall.
A few years ago, they each took a Landmark Education seminar and learned three steps to take when confronting someone: Tell the person why you are upset. Discover why the person did what they did. Clarify what you want them to do differently in the future.
Mr. Burgraf, a banker in Hoffman Estates, Ill., recently put what he learned into practice. Week after week, his sister was late for their regular Sunday-morning workout. One morning, after waiting for more than an hour, he told her: "Look, I have to get this off my chest. When you are late, it screws up the rest of my day. So if this continues, I won't be able to do this anymore."
Ms. Burgraf, a graphic designer in Mount Prospect, got the message. "Now, the second I know I can't make it, I will tell him and ask him what he wants to do," she says. The new on-time plan is working so well that the two now often have time for brunch afterward.
Need to tell someone you're angry? Try this:
Own your anger. Say to yourself, "I hate when this happens." Acknowledge your anger before you speak up. This will help you use the rational side of your brain before the emotional side takes over, Dr. Goulston says.
Take a walk, or sleep on it, to gain perspective. This gives the other person time, too. But don't just disappear. Say, "I'd like to talk, but I need a little time to calm down."
Identify what disappointed you. It may not be the situation at hand, but something under the surface.
Tell the person you want to talk. "When is a convenient time?"
Bare your own neck. Say, "My usual reaction is to get angry or shut you out, but I am trying to handle this differently." This will help defuse the other person's defensiveness.
Tell the person how hard this is for you. "It takes courage to tell you this, and it may be hard for you to hear."
Say everything. Tell the person exactly why you are upset. Use the word "I," not "you." Say, "I felt hurt when you did ______." Don't say: "You did _____ wrong."
Find out why. "I know you probably didn't mean to hurt me. Why did you do it?"
Clarify what you hope will happen in the future. A hug wouldn't hurt.
Reconciliation : A time to mend fences
The below is part of a thought provoking speech delivered by a rabbi on Kol Nidre night.
Against whom should we hold grudges? Certainly not those around us - our family, friends and co-workers. Life is too short - after all, we only have one soul.
And yet, so many of us do hold grudges. We have a difficult time forgiving. We see it all the time: in our offices, at weddings, at funerals.......
Fathers who cannot talk to their sons. Brothers and sisters who hang on to childhood arguments. Aunts, uncles and cousins deprived of loving or even knowing each other because of some ancient family feud.
Children are deprived of grandparents. Lovers deprived of each other's love. Families filled with anger, silence, smugness, nervousness - all of it because we are unable to forgive.
There are many who feel that they cannot forgive - the pain of the past is replayed over and over - they are deeply scarred - they move in a world of memory. For these people - forgiveness is a distant concept. And yet, healing comes when forgiveness is not seen as an impossibility - but a goal to be reached - for only when there is forgiveness can there be true healing. No one can forget the pains of the past - but we can forgive.
But of course, I'm only talking about the dysfunctional families...right? People with real problems: Abusers, chemically dependant, mentally ill -- we're all better than that, aren't we?
Maybe. But who among us has not slammed a door in anger this past year? Who hasn't hurled a cutting remark or two just to inflict a little pain on a loved one? Who has been given an opportunity to heal - to comfort, to give love - and rejected it?
A while ago, the writer came across and old Ann Landers Column. In it was a letter that read:
Dear Ann Landers,
I have suddenly become aware that the years are flying by. Time somehow seems more precious. My parents suddenly seem old. My aunts and uncles are sick, and I fear they don't have many years left. I haven't seen some of my cousins for several years. I really love my family, Ann, but we have grown apart.
I am also thinking of my friends, some I've known since childhood. Those friendships have become more precious as the years pass. Nothing warms the heart like sharing a laugh with someone you've known for years.
Then my thoughts turn to the dark side. I remember the feelings I've hurt and I recall my own hurt feelings, the misunderstandings and the unmended fences.
I have a close friend in New York I haven't spoken to in three years. Another 28-year relationship in Seattle is on the rocks. We're both 41 now, and time is marching on.
I think of my mother and her sister, who haven't spoken to each other in 5 years. As a result of that argument, my cousin and I haven't spoken either. I don't know if she has children. Neither of us has met the other's husband. What a waste of precious time! I'm sure there are millions of people in your reading audience who could tell similar stories.
Wouldn't it be terrific if a special day could be set aside to reach out and make amends? We could call it "Reconciliation Day." Everyone would vow to write a letter or make a phone call and mend a broken relationship. It would also be the day on which we would all agree to accept the olive branch extended by a friend. this day could be the starting place. We could go from there to heal the wounds in our hearts and rejoice in a new beginning.
Signed, Van Nuys.
Ann Landers suggested April 2 be designated as National Reconciliation Day.
Another story:
I was interrupted by a hammering sound coming from the house next door.
I stood up, walked over to the window and noticed my next-door neighbor replacing a small section of his white picketed fence. The fence had been damaged the previous week. As I stood there watching him take down the damaged section and replace it with a new fence; I wished the problems in life could be fixed so easily.
My mind drifted back to the relationship I had with (you fill in the blank), or you could say the relationship I did not have with ( xxxxx ). I continued to watch my neighbor as he methodically replaced the damaged section of fence.
The first thing he did was to recognize that the fence had a problem; it was damaged. Then he had to remove the damaged portion of the fence. Next, he nailed the new fence into place, and the last thing he did was paint the fence. After he had finished the process, you could not tell that the fence had been damaged. It looked brand new.
I turned away from the window, and sat back down on the couch. It suddenly occurred to me that I had a damaged fence in my own life, and it was up to me to repair it.
Critical questions before marrying
Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
- Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
- Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
- Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
- Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
- Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
- Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
- Will there be a television in the bedroom?
- Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints?
- Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
- Do we like and respect each other's friends?
- Do we value and respect each other's parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
- What does my family do that annoys you?
- Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
- If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other's family, are we prepared to move?
- Do each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face
She Talks a Lot, He Listens a Little
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : November 16, 2010
Marianne Ham was so excited when she recently visited Machu Picchu, the ancient Incan ruins in Peru, that she pulled out her cellphone on the top of the mountain and called her husband back home in Huntingdon Valley, Pa. She wanted to share the experience with him and described the stunning views.
When she was done talking, her husband, Bill, had one thing to say: "Do you have the number for the electrician?"
"It was so typical," says Ms. Ham, a 72-year-old retired advertising media manager who has been married 35 years. "I was saying one thing and his mind was somewhere else."
There really are just two kinds of people in the world: talkers and non-talkers. (You know which one you are.) Logically, all would be perfect if the talkers married only the non-talkers. But that's not always the case, since many non-talkers are also non-listeners—they simply tune out the chatter. And frustration over communication styles can be heightened in this age of technology. Now that we have more ways than ever before to communicate, some people have never felt less heard.
I have a good friend who says I talk too much. He's probably not wrong—I speak for far longer stretches of time than he can stand to listen. So he has a plan: He suggested, half jokingly, that we communicate by voicemail and text messages. "It's shorter that way," he explained.
I've got bad news for him: That's not going to work for me. But his negotiation over how we can best communicate does raise an interesting point: Non-talkers control the conversation. When they're done listening, the conversation is over.
Consider the Macalusos, of Webster, N.Y. Susan likes to talk—a lot. Rob does not. "You could be interested in talking all night, but if I'm not interested, it's not going to happen," says Rob, 40, head of a telecommunications-equipment company.
At night in bed, while Ms. Macaluso happily chats away about her day, her husband often falls asleep, despite propping himself up with pillows and keeping the light on. On more than one occasion, after a cellphone call with him gets dropped, she has yammered away for an additional two or three minutes, unaware that he's not there until he calls back on another line. And every once in awhile, she becomes so exasperated by his silence that she pretends to speak for him, in a deeper voice, just to hear some feedback.
"He doesn't tell me to get to the point because he knows it would be a big insult," says Ms. Macaluso, 43, a homemaker. Says her husband: "I made the mistake of telling my wife to speed up—just once. She started over and made me sit through the whole thing again."
Do women talk more than men? Not always, of course. Some men are big gabbers, just as some women are silent types. And yet, the stereotype that women talk more than men holds pretty true.
There are environmental reasons—many men are raised not to share their feelings. But biology plays a surprisingly strong a part, as well. There is evidence that women's and men's brains process language differently, according to Marianne Legato, a cardiologist and founder of the Partnership for Gender-Specific Medicine at New York's Columbia University. She says that listening to, understanding and producing speech may be easier for women because they have more nerve cells in the left half of the brain, which is used to process language, a greater degree of connectivity between the two parts of the brain and more of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain that controls language.
Although the ability to understand and process language diminishes in both men and women as we age, it does so earlier for men (after age 35) than women (post-menopause). Women also get a boost of oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, when they speak to others, and estrogen enhances its effects. While men get this, too, testosterone blunts its effects. "This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view—men can't defend their families if they are burdened with high levels of a hormone that compels them to make friends of all they meet," says Dr. Legato, author of "Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget." "Thus, men in their prime with high levels of testosterone are the least likely to be interested in social exchanges and bonding to others."
Of course, we don't need scientific studies to tell us that men and women communicate differently. Ask Taylor Keeney about his "word imbalance" theory. "Some women generally have a word quota," says the 44-year-old pilot from Apex, N.C. "They have to say so many words to their significant other per day."
Simply for ease of accounting, he puts that number at 1,000 words per day. Men, he says, generally are capable of hearing about 750 of these words. That is, once the woman hits 750, the man's eyes glaze over. She then goes into "angry storage mode," saving words for the next day. This cycle can be repeated indefinitely, with the woman storing up words until she gets a chance to say them.
"It is not pretty and can end badly for all concerned," says Mr. Keeney. "Phrases like, 'You never listen to me' or 'We never talk anymore' are uttered. Men give the 'I just got home and all I want to do is relax' as a defense. Not good."
Mr. Keeney has come up with a solution: texting. "Something as simple as a text of "DCA LUMU" ("Landed in D.C., Love You, Miss You") or "GMB" ("Good Morning, Beautiful)" are fast but very effective at letting your partner know that you are thinking of them," he says. "And all words count against the word quota." His wife of three years agrees—to a point. "It has to be both quality and quantity," says Margit Sylvester, 39, an executive assistant.
So what's the answer? Should talkers befriend only talkers? Perhaps the best solution is to find someone who exactly complements your talking style. So, for example, if you like to talk 75% of the time, you need to find someone who is comfortable listening 75% of the time and talking only a quarter of it.
Jeff Foote says he was attracted to his partner of 17 years because he talks twice as much as he himself does. "It's a lot less work for me," says Mr. Foote, 53, a project manager for a San Francisco bank.
Still, he admits that he doesn't always listen. Sometimes he has been reading and just can't switch gears fast enough. "The conversation has already started, but I can't keep up," he says. "If I'm lucky, I don't get caught."
Sadly, he often does—because his partner gives him pop quizzes on what he has been saying. "Twenty-five percent of the time I can connect enough of the key words and guess right," says Mr. Foote.
His partner, Cosgrove Norstadt, has seen his quizzes backfire. "I find out he has been listening the whole time, and I am embarrassed because I have been yammering on about nothing in the hopes of catching him not paying attention." says Mr. Norstadt, 47, an actor. "So, I reinforce his decision to tune me out."
Can You Hear Me Now?
How can gabbers and non-gabbers communicate better?
Here are some tips:
- Set aside a time to talk. Taylor Keeney, a pilot, and his wife plan to speak for the first 20 minutes every day when they both get home from work. 'The rule is that the TV or radio can be on but no computers or cellphone calls for however long it takes to re-connect,' he says.
- If you're the talker, slow down. Cheryl Leone, a 66-year-old management consultant from Raleigh, N.C., breaks down her conversations into more bite-size pieces, so her boyfriend of 11 years can better absorb them. 'I tend to throw a lot of things at him, and he could still be on one and two when I hit 10,' she says. 'Now I try to keep my list to about three things.'
- Ask questions. Ask for feedback. 'Conversation isn't a monologue,' says Rob Dobrenski, a psychologist in New York City. 'Remember that you are talking "with" a person, not "at" one.'
- Let the talker talk. Remember that if you're the non-talker, you control and manipulate the communication by constantly curtailing conversation, which can be hurtful to the other person.
- Really listen. Being silent is not the same as active listening. Use cues, such as head nods or statements such as 'I hear you.' When the talker pauses, relay back what you have heard and add your thoughts.
- Ask for a break. 'The non-talker should feel free to say, "Let me have a quick breather, I'm running out of listening gas. Let's come back to this in a few minutes, or at least let's break up this conversation with a new topic," ' Dr. Dobrenski says.
- Use technology as a supplement, not a substitute. Sure, it's a great way to check in and converse in short bursts. But remember that it might not provide enough of an emotional connection for the talker in your life.
- Call someone else. Sometimes it's better to find an attentive audience, rather than numb one into submission.
When is it time to say, "My relationship is in trouble, and we need help?" How do you know when that time is?
When couples wait too long to ask for help, the relationship may be beyond repair. The sooner help is sought, the better chance there is of recovering, saving and actually strengthening the relationship. This includes issues dealing with affairs or other types of betrayal. The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost. At a certain point we don't even want change... we just want to be done.
The seven warning signs that a relationship is in trouble are:
1. Fighting has become the rule rather than the exception to the rule.
2. You find yourself looking outside the relationship for comfort, care, and understanding.
3. You can't remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.
4. There is little or no intimacy in your relationship -- sleeping in different rooms or different beds, lack of interest, anger, and hostility so that intimacy is out of the question.
5. Spending very little time together, friends seem to be more important than your partner.
6. Reactions to situations are disproportionate to the content of the disagreement (i.e., feeling your partner doesn't love you because she/he didn't like the meal you cooked).
7. Feeling helpless and hopeless to change anything. Feeling done with the relationship, but unclear as to where to go and what to do. Feelings of anger, resentment, pain, and desperation are predominant.
If any or all of these describe you in your relationship, your relationship is in trouble and it won't be long before something more drastic happens, such as an affair, arguments get worse and inflate with intensity, increased jealousy, silence for longer periods of time, and sometimes even physical and/or verbal abuse.Before your relationship reaches that critical crisis point, look at the warning signs and do something before it's too late:
- Seek psychotherapy
- Read books
- Talk to a spiritual/religious advisor
What do couples who describe their relationship as spectacular do differently than those who describe theirs as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually.
"When we look at happy couples, we see that great partnerships are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health.
#1. Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or physical incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration -- the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts -- that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.
#2. Show Him Some Love
Men whose partners give them affirmation -- those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved -- are twice as likely to describe themselves as happy in their relationship. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your guy to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen -- which is why men rely on that attention from their mates. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.
#3. Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything, except for responsibilities or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners.
And knowing your partner intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on the block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.
#4. Focus on the Good
The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction."This doesn't mean that you can't feel -- or talk about -- anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your partnership into one that is truly great.
To Save a Marriage, Split Up?
Separating Is Difficult, Success Is Hard to Predict; But for Some, It's a Last, Best Resort
Elizabeth Bernstein: WSJ : August 9, 2011
After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.
His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.
Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.
It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits—even for a trial period—isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?
Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.
Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.
Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen—after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and—very importantly—how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.
If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.
Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.
But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formal separation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.
Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide—the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids—is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.
"Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it," says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.
Linda Lea Viken, a divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.
Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouse consult a divorce attorney.
Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. "If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end," she says.
Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. "Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together," Ms. O'Neill says.
The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex.
By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.
"We repelled each other," Mr. Earnhart says.
"I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?' " adds his wife. "Life is too short and I don't like you anyway."
So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.
And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.
After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared—how they'd bought a house and built a life together—and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.
"It was kind of like falling in love again," says Ms. Earnhart. "He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time."
"When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other," says her husband. "And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own."
After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in. Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.
They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching—and discussing—whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called "Marriage Works."
"You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can," says Ms. Earnhart. "He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it."
Taking a Marriage Timeout
Some issues to consider before trying a separation:
• Get a marriage therapist. A trained professional can help mediate between the two parties.
• Consult an attorney specializing in family law. Find out how the terms of the separation could affect any eventual divorce. A consultation sometimes scares people into working harder on their marriage, once they face the reality of what divorced life will be like, says Linda Lea Viken, a divorce lawyer.
• Agree on logistics. Who will leave and where will that person go? Who will pay the bills? Who will take care of the kids and how much time will the other spouse be able to see them?
• Consider email your friend. Writing to each other, rather than meeting or talking on the phone, can be a way to defuse the tension.
• Put your agreement in writing. This doesn't require a lawyer. A therapist can do it. It protects one spouse from taking advantage of the other.
Putting the Honey Back in 'Honey, I'm Home'
Elizabeth Bernstein: WSJ : October 11, 2011
Rod MacKenzie was excited to be home from work before his wife.
He fed the dog, popped open a Diet Pepsi and settled onto the couch to watch his favorite TV show. Then the phone rang. It was his wife, calling from the car on her commute home. She started telling him how her boss had changed the focus of the project she'd stayed up late to finish. Mr. MacKenzie, 36, kept watching TV, every few minutes murmuring "uh huh"—and failing to hear her when she asked if he was listening. When he failed to answer, she hung up.
Michelle MacKenzie wasn't too happy by the time she walked in the door. Spotting his empty soda can in the kitchen, she asked him, "What have you been doing since you got home?"
"You're looking at it."
"Have you thought about dinner?"
"Why is dinner always my responsibility?"
Welcome to the real Witching Hour, that after-work period when we are tired, hungry, desperate to unwind yet still thinking about work. There is dinner to make, kids to feed and quite often a mate requiring attention.
"It's a selfish time of day," says Mr. MacKenzie, director of technology resources for a tech company. "It's hard to be there for each other when you need time for yourself."
"It's frustrating that I feel the need to vent and the timing is not good for him," says Ms. MacKenzie, 40, a sales manager for a liquor supplier.
Once upon a time, wives met husbands at the door with slippers and a martini. I'm guessing that hasn't happened in your house recently. We're more stressed than ever about work. And the line between work and home is disappearing thanks to gadgets that keep us tethered to our jobs.
Each partner in a couple comes home with expectations of how the other should behave. Some people want their partner to listen; others want to be left alone. Women tend to manage stress and other feelings with the help of their relationships—they like to come home and talk to their partners about details of their day, experts say. Men typically prefer to deal with worry or anxiety by themselves.
The term "stress spillover," refers to when stress from external sources leaches into a relationship. In an ongoing longitudinal study of 300 couples in the first five years of marriage, researchers at the dating site eHarmony, found that relationship satisfaction declines when an individual talks about a bad event with a partner who isn't supportive. And the couple is more likely to argue the next day. If the partner is supportive, the study found, relationship satisfaction stays steady and the couple is less likely to argue.
Gian Gonzaga, psychologist and senior director of research and development for eHarmony, in Santa Monica, Calif., says, "If your normal response to your partner is to not be supportive, over 20 years that will become a really big problem."
On the other hand, sharing a good event with your partner makes you happier in the relationship, regardless of the partner's reaction, and if the partner responds well you are less likely to argue. What's more, you become more likely to share something positive in the future, and less likely to talk about bad events. "It makes your relationship better and you better," Dr. Gonzaga says.
After work, couples face steep odds. A recent Cornell University study of English-language messages posted on the social media site Twitter tracked positive and negative words in the messages of about 2.4 million people and found posts generally were most positive in the morning and more negative in the mid- to late-afternoon, gradually getting more positive as the evening went on.
John Rubino, 47, likes to cook, but soon after he and Doug Dorton, 41, moved in together several years ago, dinner became a problem. Mr. Dorton, a detail-focused project manager at a large Seattle software company, sliced and diced meticulously—a little too meticulously for Mr. Rubino, president of a marketing agency who manages 45 employees. Mr. Rubino would often watch over Mr. Dorton's shoulder, urging him to hurry up. Meanwhile, the dog would whine for attention and toss his toy at them. By the time dinner was ready, the two weren't talking. "It wasn't relaxing or enjoyable or the quality time we were supposed to be having," Mr. Dorton says.
Now, Mr. Dorton sets the table and cleans up—but while Mr. Rubino is cooking, he takes the dog to the basement to play. When they sit down to dinner, they are ready to catch up with each other. "People say you should participate in activities together, but there is a time and a place for it," Mr. Dorton says.
The MacKenzies' solution was a man cave in their Eatontown, N.J., home. Mr. MacKenzie heads to the spare bedroom after work to watch TV and leave as many empty soda cans as he likes. Ms. MacKenzie decompresses with her blog, The Hubby Diaries, and sees humor in the arguments they sometimes have.
Scott Wetzler, psychologist and vice chairman of behavioral health at Montefiore Medical Center, in Bronx, N.Y., recommends the "speaker-listener technique": One person speaks, and the other listens without interrupting, then paraphrases what the first one said and replies. Then the partners switch.
"It teaches listening, which in my opinion is harder than talking," Dr. Wetzler says.
Early in her marriage, Lynda Veto, a Princeton, N.J., psychologist, worked at a hospice program and found the job gratifying. In the evenings, she says, she would tell her then-husband about her patients and he would become testy. The marriage eventually ended in divorce.
Dr. Veto says she has found another way to decompress. She learned to bake, which gives her quiet time to think about the day. "Don't assume you can dump on someone just because they married you," she says.
The Witching Hour: Rules of Engagement
Here are tips for minimizing confict when you are desperate to unwind yet still thinking about work.
- Get some closure on your workday. Organize your desk or make a to-do list for tomorrow. On the way home, listen to music, take a walk or go to the gym. 'It's your responsibility to decompress so it's not an emotionally-laden situation,' says Lynda Veto, a Princeton, N.J., psychologist.
- Put a smile on your face. Envision the doorway of your home as a magical threshold where you let go of your stress before entering. Remember that you are lucky to have people who love you on the other side of the door. 'Remember that it's not all about you,' Dr. Veto says.
- Figure out which tasks you and your partner each are good at, or enjoy, and divide up afterwork chores accordingly.
- Set aside time to talk with your partner—not dump—about your day. Recognize that you each have emotional needs at this time. Consider waiting until you each have had time to decompress. Setting a time limit on talk about stressful work issues is a good idea, too.
- Practice active listening. Let your partner talk; then, before reacting, paraphrase what she said to make sure you understood. Then reverse roles. Sometimes listening is all that is needed.
- A glass of wine, or a nice cup of tea, may help.
Sibling Rivalry Grows Up
Adult Brothers and Sisters Are Masters at Digs; Finding a Way to a Truce
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : March 20, 2012
Marianne Walsh and her sister, Megan Putman, keep track of whose kids their mother babysits more. They also compete with each other over parenting styles (Ms. Walsh is strict, Ms. Putman is laid back) and their weight.
"My kids play more instruments, so I am winning in piano," says Ms. Walsh, 38, the younger of the two by 13 months. "But she won the skinny Olympics."
Adult sibling rivalry. Experts say it remains one of the most harmful and least addressed issues in a family. We know it when we see it. Often, we deeply regret it. But we have no idea what to do about it.
Ms. Walsh and Ms. Putman have been competitive since childhood—about clothes, about boyfriends, about grades. Ms. Walsh remembers how in grammar school her sister wrote an essay about their grandfather and won a writing award. She recited it at a school assembly with her grandpa standing nearby, beaming. Ms. Walsh, seething, vowed to win the award the next year and did.
Ms. Putman married first. Ms. Walsh, single at the time, clearly recalls the phone call when her sister told her she was pregnant. "I was excited because this was the first grandchild. Then I got off the phone and cried for two hours," says Ms. Walsh.
Ms. Putman, 39 and a stay-at-home-mom in Bolingbrook, Ill., remembers that she too felt jealous—of her sister's frequent travel and promotions in her marketing career. "The way my parents would go on and on about her really made me feel 'less than,' " Ms. Putman says.
Ms. Walsh eventually married, had a son and named him Jack. Seven weeks later, Ms. Putman gave birth to a son and named him Jack. The discussion? "That was always my boy name." "I never heard you say that."
Sibling rivalry is a normal aspect of childhood, experts say. Our siblings are our first rivals. They competed with us for the love and attention of the people we needed most, our parents, and it is understandable that we occasionally felt threatened. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry focuses on its effects during childhood.
But our sibling relationships are often the longest of our lives, lasting 80 years or more. Several research studies indicate that up to 45% of adults have a rivalrous or distant relationship with a sibling.
People questioned later in life often say their biggest regret is being estranged from a sister or brother.
The rivalry often persists into adulthood because in many families it goes unaddressed. "Most people who have been through years of therapy have worked out a lot of guilt with their parents. But when it comes to their siblings, they can't articulate what is wrong," says Jeanne Safer, a psychologist in Manhattan and author of "Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy and Regret."
Dr. Safer believes sibling rivals speak in a kind of dialect (she calls it "sib speak"). It sounds like this: "You were always Mom's favorite." "Mom and Dad are always at your house but they never visit me." "You never call me."
"It's not the loving language that good friends have," Dr. Safer says. "It's the language of grievance collection."
It's hard to know what to say in response. "You are afraid that what you say will be catastrophic or will reveal awful truths," Dr. Safer says. "It's a lifelong walk on eggshells."
Sibling discord has been around since the Bible. Cain killed Abel. Leah stole Rachel's intended husband, Jacob. Joseph fought bitterly with his 10 older half brothers. Parents often have a hand in fostering it. They may choose favorites, love unevenly and compare one child with the other.
Dr. Safer draws a distinction between sibling rivalry and sibling strife. Rivalry encompasses a normal range of disagreements and competition between siblings. Sibling strife, which is less common, is rivalry gone ballistic—siblings who, because of personality clashes or hatred, can't enjoy each other's company.
Al Golden, 85, chokes up when he talks about his twin brother, Elliott, who died three years ago. The brothers shared a room growing up in Brooklyn, N.Y., graduated from the SUNY Maritime College in New York and married within a month of each other in 1947.
Yet Mr. Golden still remembers how their father often compared their grades, asking one or the other, "How come you got a B and your brother got an A?" He rarely missed a chance to point out that Elliott wasn't as good as Al in swimming.
When the boys were ready to get married, he suggested a double wedding. Mr. Golden put his foot down. "I shared every birthday and my bar mitzvah with my brother," he said. "I'll be damned if I am going to share my wedding with him."
Elliott Golden became a lawyer and eventually a state Supreme Court judge. Al Golden went into the mirror business, then sold life insurance. He says he always envied his brother's status and secretly took pleasure in knowing he was a better fisherman and owned a big boat. Once, Elliott asked him, "I am a lawyer. How come you make more money than me?" Mr. Golden says. "He meant: 'How come you are making more than me when you are not as successful?' But it made me feel good."
One day, Mr. Golden says, Elliott accused him of not doing enough to take care of their ailing mother. After the conversation, Mr. Golden didn't speak to his brother for more than a year. "It might have been the build-up of jealousies over the years," he says.
His brother repeatedly reached out to him, as did his nieces and nephews, but Mr. Golden ignored them.
Then one day Mr. Golden received an email from his brother telling a story about two men who had a stream dividing their properties. One man hired a carpenter to build a fence along the stream, but the carpenter built a bridge by mistake. Mr. Golden thought about the email then wrote back, "I'd like to walk over the bridge."
"I missed him," Mr. Golden says now. "I never had the chance to miss him before."
Dr. Safer says brothers' rivalries often are overt, typically focusing on things like Dad's love, athletic prowess, career success, money. Women are less comfortable with competition, she says, so sister rivalries tend to be passive-aggressive and less direct. Whom did Mom love best, who is a better mother now.
Brothers often repair their rivalries with actions. When women reconcile, it's often through talking. Ms. Putman and Ms. Walsh have learned to stop arguments using a trick from childhood. When a discussion gets heated, one sister will call out "star," a code word they devised as kids to mean the conversation is over. The sister who ends it gets the last word. "You may still be mad, but you adhere to the rules of childhood," Ms. Walsh says.
For some years, the two didn't socialize much. But when Ms. Putman's husband died last fall, Ms. Walsh, now a stay-at-home-mom in Chicago, helped plan the wake and write the obituary. Arriving at her sister's house one day before the funeral, Ms. Walsh found her in bed, crying, and climbed in next to her. The sisters said, "I love you," and Ms. Putman says she realized she was going to be OK.
"Lying there, I felt that if I've got my sister, I"ve got my strength," Ms. Putman says. "She is my backbone."
Putting a Stop to Sibling Rivalry
Fix the problem by addressing it head-on, says psychologist Jeanne Safer.
•The first step is to think. Who is this person outside his or her relationship with you? What do you like about your sibling? Remember the positive memories. Identify why you think the relationship is worth fixing—if it is.
•Take the initiative to change. It could be a gesture, like an offer to help with a sick child, a conversation or a letter. Be sincere and don't ignore the obvious. Say: 'These conversations between us are painful. I would like to see if we can make our relationship better.'
•Gestures count. Not everyone is comfortable talking about a strained relationship, especially men. But phone calls, invitations to spend time together, attempts to help should be seen as peace offerings.
•Consider your sibling's point of view. Try not to be defensive. What did childhood look like through his or her eyes? 'You have to be willing to see an unflattering portrait of yourself,' Dr. Safer says.
•Tell your sibling what you respect. 'I love your sense of humor.' 'I admire what a good parent you are.'
•And, finally: 'It won't kill you to apologize,' Dr. Safer says.
Adult Brothers and Sisters Are Masters at Digs; Finding a Way to a Truce
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : March 20, 2012
Marianne Walsh and her sister, Megan Putman, keep track of whose kids their mother babysits more. They also compete with each other over parenting styles (Ms. Walsh is strict, Ms. Putman is laid back) and their weight.
"My kids play more instruments, so I am winning in piano," says Ms. Walsh, 38, the younger of the two by 13 months. "But she won the skinny Olympics."
Adult sibling rivalry. Experts say it remains one of the most harmful and least addressed issues in a family. We know it when we see it. Often, we deeply regret it. But we have no idea what to do about it.
Ms. Walsh and Ms. Putman have been competitive since childhood—about clothes, about boyfriends, about grades. Ms. Walsh remembers how in grammar school her sister wrote an essay about their grandfather and won a writing award. She recited it at a school assembly with her grandpa standing nearby, beaming. Ms. Walsh, seething, vowed to win the award the next year and did.
Ms. Putman married first. Ms. Walsh, single at the time, clearly recalls the phone call when her sister told her she was pregnant. "I was excited because this was the first grandchild. Then I got off the phone and cried for two hours," says Ms. Walsh.
Ms. Putman, 39 and a stay-at-home-mom in Bolingbrook, Ill., remembers that she too felt jealous—of her sister's frequent travel and promotions in her marketing career. "The way my parents would go on and on about her really made me feel 'less than,' " Ms. Putman says.
Ms. Walsh eventually married, had a son and named him Jack. Seven weeks later, Ms. Putman gave birth to a son and named him Jack. The discussion? "That was always my boy name." "I never heard you say that."
Sibling rivalry is a normal aspect of childhood, experts say. Our siblings are our first rivals. They competed with us for the love and attention of the people we needed most, our parents, and it is understandable that we occasionally felt threatened. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry focuses on its effects during childhood.
But our sibling relationships are often the longest of our lives, lasting 80 years or more. Several research studies indicate that up to 45% of adults have a rivalrous or distant relationship with a sibling.
People questioned later in life often say their biggest regret is being estranged from a sister or brother.
The rivalry often persists into adulthood because in many families it goes unaddressed. "Most people who have been through years of therapy have worked out a lot of guilt with their parents. But when it comes to their siblings, they can't articulate what is wrong," says Jeanne Safer, a psychologist in Manhattan and author of "Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy and Regret."
Dr. Safer believes sibling rivals speak in a kind of dialect (she calls it "sib speak"). It sounds like this: "You were always Mom's favorite." "Mom and Dad are always at your house but they never visit me." "You never call me."
"It's not the loving language that good friends have," Dr. Safer says. "It's the language of grievance collection."
It's hard to know what to say in response. "You are afraid that what you say will be catastrophic or will reveal awful truths," Dr. Safer says. "It's a lifelong walk on eggshells."
Sibling discord has been around since the Bible. Cain killed Abel. Leah stole Rachel's intended husband, Jacob. Joseph fought bitterly with his 10 older half brothers. Parents often have a hand in fostering it. They may choose favorites, love unevenly and compare one child with the other.
Dr. Safer draws a distinction between sibling rivalry and sibling strife. Rivalry encompasses a normal range of disagreements and competition between siblings. Sibling strife, which is less common, is rivalry gone ballistic—siblings who, because of personality clashes or hatred, can't enjoy each other's company.
Al Golden, 85, chokes up when he talks about his twin brother, Elliott, who died three years ago. The brothers shared a room growing up in Brooklyn, N.Y., graduated from the SUNY Maritime College in New York and married within a month of each other in 1947.
Yet Mr. Golden still remembers how their father often compared their grades, asking one or the other, "How come you got a B and your brother got an A?" He rarely missed a chance to point out that Elliott wasn't as good as Al in swimming.
When the boys were ready to get married, he suggested a double wedding. Mr. Golden put his foot down. "I shared every birthday and my bar mitzvah with my brother," he said. "I'll be damned if I am going to share my wedding with him."
Elliott Golden became a lawyer and eventually a state Supreme Court judge. Al Golden went into the mirror business, then sold life insurance. He says he always envied his brother's status and secretly took pleasure in knowing he was a better fisherman and owned a big boat. Once, Elliott asked him, "I am a lawyer. How come you make more money than me?" Mr. Golden says. "He meant: 'How come you are making more than me when you are not as successful?' But it made me feel good."
One day, Mr. Golden says, Elliott accused him of not doing enough to take care of their ailing mother. After the conversation, Mr. Golden didn't speak to his brother for more than a year. "It might have been the build-up of jealousies over the years," he says.
His brother repeatedly reached out to him, as did his nieces and nephews, but Mr. Golden ignored them.
Then one day Mr. Golden received an email from his brother telling a story about two men who had a stream dividing their properties. One man hired a carpenter to build a fence along the stream, but the carpenter built a bridge by mistake. Mr. Golden thought about the email then wrote back, "I'd like to walk over the bridge."
"I missed him," Mr. Golden says now. "I never had the chance to miss him before."
Dr. Safer says brothers' rivalries often are overt, typically focusing on things like Dad's love, athletic prowess, career success, money. Women are less comfortable with competition, she says, so sister rivalries tend to be passive-aggressive and less direct. Whom did Mom love best, who is a better mother now.
Brothers often repair their rivalries with actions. When women reconcile, it's often through talking. Ms. Putman and Ms. Walsh have learned to stop arguments using a trick from childhood. When a discussion gets heated, one sister will call out "star," a code word they devised as kids to mean the conversation is over. The sister who ends it gets the last word. "You may still be mad, but you adhere to the rules of childhood," Ms. Walsh says.
For some years, the two didn't socialize much. But when Ms. Putman's husband died last fall, Ms. Walsh, now a stay-at-home-mom in Chicago, helped plan the wake and write the obituary. Arriving at her sister's house one day before the funeral, Ms. Walsh found her in bed, crying, and climbed in next to her. The sisters said, "I love you," and Ms. Putman says she realized she was going to be OK.
"Lying there, I felt that if I've got my sister, I"ve got my strength," Ms. Putman says. "She is my backbone."
Putting a Stop to Sibling Rivalry
Fix the problem by addressing it head-on, says psychologist Jeanne Safer.
•The first step is to think. Who is this person outside his or her relationship with you? What do you like about your sibling? Remember the positive memories. Identify why you think the relationship is worth fixing—if it is.
•Take the initiative to change. It could be a gesture, like an offer to help with a sick child, a conversation or a letter. Be sincere and don't ignore the obvious. Say: 'These conversations between us are painful. I would like to see if we can make our relationship better.'
•Gestures count. Not everyone is comfortable talking about a strained relationship, especially men. But phone calls, invitations to spend time together, attempts to help should be seen as peace offerings.
•Consider your sibling's point of view. Try not to be defensive. What did childhood look like through his or her eyes? 'You have to be willing to see an unflattering portrait of yourself,' Dr. Safer says.
•Tell your sibling what you respect. 'I love your sense of humor.' 'I admire what a good parent you are.'
•And, finally: 'It won't kill you to apologize,' Dr. Safer says.
For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : May 15, 2012
Sharon Rosenblatt was talking to her therapist fast and furiously about her dating life, when the woman suddenly interrupted her. "Haven't we heard this before?" the therapist asked.
Was Ms. Rosenblatt offended? Not at all. The 23-year-old, who works in business development for an information technology company, says she specifically sought out a tough-love therapist after graduating from college and moving to Silver Spring, Md., two years ago.
"When there's unconditional love from my therapist, I'm not inclined to change," Ms. Rosenblatt says. Previous therapists, she says, would listen passively while she complained unchallenged.
Whining, as defined by experts—the therapists, spouses, co-workers and others who have to listen to it—is chronic complaining, a pattern of negative communication. It brings down the mood of everyone within earshot. It can hold whiners back at work and keep them stuck in a problem, rather than working to identify a solution. It can be toxic to relationships.
How do you get someone to stop the constant griping? The answer is simple, but not always easy: Don't listen to it.
Moms, and bosses, are good at this. Some therapists are refusing to let clients complain endlessly, as well—offering up Tough Love in place of the nurturing gaze and the question "How does that make you feel?"
They're setting time limits on how long a client can stay on certain topics and declaring some topics off-limits altogether. Some are even taping clients so they can hear how they sound and firing clients who can't stop complaining.
"Talking endlessly about your problems isn't going to help," says Christina Steinorth, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif. She tells her patients in the first session: "If you are looking for the type of therapy where I am going to nod my head and affirm what you are feeling, this isn't the place to come."
When clients whine, Ms. Steinorth has them make a list of how their life could improve if they stopped complaining and started working to solve their problems. She suggests they set aside a 10-minute window every day and do all their whining then. For clients who still won't stop, she suggests they consider discontinuing therapy until they are ready to move forward.
Sometimes it feels like we're a nation of whiners. Many of us learned this behavior as children, when we got what we wanted by wearing our parents down. In adulthood, whining—or venting, as I like to call it when I'm doing it—can be a coping mechanism, allowing us to let off steam.
"A lot of whiners don't know they whine," says Julie Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker who has a therapy clinic in Salt Lake City. "I want them to ask themselves, 'Would I want to hang out with this person?' "
Television encourages us to whine, thanks to shows like WE tv's "Bridezillas" or A&E's "Monster In-Laws," about people who do almost nothing else. Technology, meanwhile, has trained us to expect instant gratification and become frustrated when we have to be patient. Facebook can make us feel that everyone else has it easier.
According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, married couples who flourish have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions within "conflict conversations." In couples who divorce, the ratio is less than 5 to 1.
The good news is that it is possible to get whiners to stop. Ms. Hanks, who takes a tough stance on whining, says it is critical to build a rapport with a client. She often challenges patients to go an entire session without talking about pet topics, such as their mother or their ex. You can ban overvisited topics at home, too, she says, as long as you pay attention to real problems. She sometimes audiotapes sessions, so clients can hear themselves whine. She has even taped herself at home, to learn how she relates to family members.
Ms. Hanks says it is important for the listener to understand that whining masks a deeper, more vulnerable emotion. For example, a person might complain about a boss, but what he is really feeling is fear that his career is stalled. "Whining is just a powerless complaint," she says. Understand this and you can get to the root of what is wrong.
Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif., licensed psychotherapist, has a three-step stop-whining program. First, she points out the behavior, sometimes mirroring it back to a client, using both the same words and tone.
"The goal is to create self-awareness," Dr. Walfish says, and in a neutral way.
Next, she points out that there's a pattern to the complaining. Finally, she asks the whiner what he or she plans to do about it.
"When someone whines to you, it is an indirect way of saying, 'You fix it,' " Dr. Walfish says. "You want to put the responsibility back where it belongs, in the whiner's lap."
Douglas Maxwell, a licensed psychoanalyst in Manhattan and president of the National Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis, says constant complaining is often a "resistance," and the person whining is often unaware of it.
With a client who gripes incessantly about a problem without making progress, he will say: "Stop. No more complaints. I don't want to hear about this one more day. You must talk about something else."
Often, clients don't take this so well, Mr. Maxwell says. They resist his attempt to break through their barriers and even transfer their anger onto him. But he holds his ground—and says he is prepared to repeat his ban as often as he has to.
Sometimes, Mr. Maxwell will use humor. "Here we go again," he might tease a patient.
"Once you draw the line in the sand, you have to hold that line," he says. "Otherwise, anything you say as a therapist loses its effect."
Crybabies, Be Gone!
Often, people don't realize they are whining. The trick: Raise their self-awareness without using accusatory or sarcastic language.
Go gently: Even therapists say this conversation sometimes ends with the client walking out. Start by telling the person who is whining how much you appreciate him or her.
Use a tone of genuine curiosity. You want to get to the bottom of the problem together. You may want to mirror the negative communication. 'I don't know if you hear yourself, but listen to what you just said.'
Point out there's a pattern. Say, 'Do you realize it's the fifth night in a row you've talked about this?' Offer to tape future conversations so the person can hear for him or herself.
Open up the conversation. A person whining about work may be feeling unwell, or stuck in his career. Ask, 'Is there something else that's wrong?' Explain that it is hard for you to hear the real issue because the person's tone and attitude are getting in the way.
Ask the person what he or she plans to do about the problem. Hold them accountable.
Suggest alternatives. The person might want to write down a list of complaints and leave it in a drawer. Or keep a journal and circle repeated complaints in red pen. Or spend an hour at the gym, or do something outdoors with you.
Set a time limit. For 10 minutes a day, the person can whine unfettered—and you will listen. Then time is up. Do this once a day, once a week—or challenge the person to a 'whine-free day.'
Give positive reinforcement. Say, 'I love to hear good things about your job.' Praise each increment toward healthy communication.
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : May 15, 2012
Sharon Rosenblatt was talking to her therapist fast and furiously about her dating life, when the woman suddenly interrupted her. "Haven't we heard this before?" the therapist asked.
Was Ms. Rosenblatt offended? Not at all. The 23-year-old, who works in business development for an information technology company, says she specifically sought out a tough-love therapist after graduating from college and moving to Silver Spring, Md., two years ago.
"When there's unconditional love from my therapist, I'm not inclined to change," Ms. Rosenblatt says. Previous therapists, she says, would listen passively while she complained unchallenged.
Whining, as defined by experts—the therapists, spouses, co-workers and others who have to listen to it—is chronic complaining, a pattern of negative communication. It brings down the mood of everyone within earshot. It can hold whiners back at work and keep them stuck in a problem, rather than working to identify a solution. It can be toxic to relationships.
How do you get someone to stop the constant griping? The answer is simple, but not always easy: Don't listen to it.
Moms, and bosses, are good at this. Some therapists are refusing to let clients complain endlessly, as well—offering up Tough Love in place of the nurturing gaze and the question "How does that make you feel?"
They're setting time limits on how long a client can stay on certain topics and declaring some topics off-limits altogether. Some are even taping clients so they can hear how they sound and firing clients who can't stop complaining.
"Talking endlessly about your problems isn't going to help," says Christina Steinorth, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif. She tells her patients in the first session: "If you are looking for the type of therapy where I am going to nod my head and affirm what you are feeling, this isn't the place to come."
When clients whine, Ms. Steinorth has them make a list of how their life could improve if they stopped complaining and started working to solve their problems. She suggests they set aside a 10-minute window every day and do all their whining then. For clients who still won't stop, she suggests they consider discontinuing therapy until they are ready to move forward.
Sometimes it feels like we're a nation of whiners. Many of us learned this behavior as children, when we got what we wanted by wearing our parents down. In adulthood, whining—or venting, as I like to call it when I'm doing it—can be a coping mechanism, allowing us to let off steam.
"A lot of whiners don't know they whine," says Julie Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker who has a therapy clinic in Salt Lake City. "I want them to ask themselves, 'Would I want to hang out with this person?' "
Television encourages us to whine, thanks to shows like WE tv's "Bridezillas" or A&E's "Monster In-Laws," about people who do almost nothing else. Technology, meanwhile, has trained us to expect instant gratification and become frustrated when we have to be patient. Facebook can make us feel that everyone else has it easier.
According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, married couples who flourish have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions within "conflict conversations." In couples who divorce, the ratio is less than 5 to 1.
The good news is that it is possible to get whiners to stop. Ms. Hanks, who takes a tough stance on whining, says it is critical to build a rapport with a client. She often challenges patients to go an entire session without talking about pet topics, such as their mother or their ex. You can ban overvisited topics at home, too, she says, as long as you pay attention to real problems. She sometimes audiotapes sessions, so clients can hear themselves whine. She has even taped herself at home, to learn how she relates to family members.
Ms. Hanks says it is important for the listener to understand that whining masks a deeper, more vulnerable emotion. For example, a person might complain about a boss, but what he is really feeling is fear that his career is stalled. "Whining is just a powerless complaint," she says. Understand this and you can get to the root of what is wrong.
Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif., licensed psychotherapist, has a three-step stop-whining program. First, she points out the behavior, sometimes mirroring it back to a client, using both the same words and tone.
"The goal is to create self-awareness," Dr. Walfish says, and in a neutral way.
Next, she points out that there's a pattern to the complaining. Finally, she asks the whiner what he or she plans to do about it.
"When someone whines to you, it is an indirect way of saying, 'You fix it,' " Dr. Walfish says. "You want to put the responsibility back where it belongs, in the whiner's lap."
Douglas Maxwell, a licensed psychoanalyst in Manhattan and president of the National Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis, says constant complaining is often a "resistance," and the person whining is often unaware of it.
With a client who gripes incessantly about a problem without making progress, he will say: "Stop. No more complaints. I don't want to hear about this one more day. You must talk about something else."
Often, clients don't take this so well, Mr. Maxwell says. They resist his attempt to break through their barriers and even transfer their anger onto him. But he holds his ground—and says he is prepared to repeat his ban as often as he has to.
Sometimes, Mr. Maxwell will use humor. "Here we go again," he might tease a patient.
"Once you draw the line in the sand, you have to hold that line," he says. "Otherwise, anything you say as a therapist loses its effect."
Crybabies, Be Gone!
Often, people don't realize they are whining. The trick: Raise their self-awareness without using accusatory or sarcastic language.
Go gently: Even therapists say this conversation sometimes ends with the client walking out. Start by telling the person who is whining how much you appreciate him or her.
Use a tone of genuine curiosity. You want to get to the bottom of the problem together. You may want to mirror the negative communication. 'I don't know if you hear yourself, but listen to what you just said.'
Point out there's a pattern. Say, 'Do you realize it's the fifth night in a row you've talked about this?' Offer to tape future conversations so the person can hear for him or herself.
Open up the conversation. A person whining about work may be feeling unwell, or stuck in his career. Ask, 'Is there something else that's wrong?' Explain that it is hard for you to hear the real issue because the person's tone and attitude are getting in the way.
Ask the person what he or she plans to do about the problem. Hold them accountable.
Suggest alternatives. The person might want to write down a list of complaints and leave it in a drawer. Or keep a journal and circle repeated complaints in red pen. Or spend an hour at the gym, or do something outdoors with you.
Set a time limit. For 10 minutes a day, the person can whine unfettered—and you will listen. Then time is up. Do this once a day, once a week—or challenge the person to a 'whine-free day.'
Give positive reinforcement. Say, 'I love to hear good things about your job.' Praise each increment toward healthy communication.
The Generous Marriage
Tara Parker-Pope : NY Ymes : December 8, 2011
From tribesmen to billionaire philanthropists, the social value of generosity is already well known. But new research suggests it also matters much more intimately than we imagined, even down to our most personal relationships.
Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive?
The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project.
While sexual intimacy, commitment and communication are important, the focus on generosity adds a new dimension to our understanding of marital success. Though this conclusion may seem fairly self-evident, it’s not always easy to be generous to a romantic partner. The noted marriage researcher John Gottman has found that successful couples say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with their partner — not an easy feat.
“In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful, but generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” explains the University of Virginia’s W. Bradford Wilcox, who led the research. “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.”
Social scientists are now wondering if this virtuous cycle extends to children too. In a study of 3-year-old twins, Israeli researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity that may be further influenced by a parent’s behavior. Preliminary findings suggest that children with more-engaged parents are more likely to be generous toward others, which may bode well for their future relationships — and their parents’ too.
“We see meaningful differences in parents’ behaviors,” said Ariel Knafo, the principal investigator and a psychologist at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. “In the long run we’d like to be able to see whether it’s children’s generosity that also makes parents more kind or the other way around. Probably it’s both.”
Do you have a generous relationship? Take our quiz to find out.
Top three predictors of a happy marriage among parents:
1. Sexual Intimacy.
2. Commitment.
3. Generosity.
Tara Parker-Pope : NY Ymes : December 8, 2011
From tribesmen to billionaire philanthropists, the social value of generosity is already well known. But new research suggests it also matters much more intimately than we imagined, even down to our most personal relationships.
Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive?
The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project.
While sexual intimacy, commitment and communication are important, the focus on generosity adds a new dimension to our understanding of marital success. Though this conclusion may seem fairly self-evident, it’s not always easy to be generous to a romantic partner. The noted marriage researcher John Gottman has found that successful couples say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with their partner — not an easy feat.
“In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful, but generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” explains the University of Virginia’s W. Bradford Wilcox, who led the research. “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.”
Social scientists are now wondering if this virtuous cycle extends to children too. In a study of 3-year-old twins, Israeli researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity that may be further influenced by a parent’s behavior. Preliminary findings suggest that children with more-engaged parents are more likely to be generous toward others, which may bode well for their future relationships — and their parents’ too.
“We see meaningful differences in parents’ behaviors,” said Ariel Knafo, the principal investigator and a psychologist at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. “In the long run we’d like to be able to see whether it’s children’s generosity that also makes parents more kind or the other way around. Probably it’s both.”
Do you have a generous relationship? Take our quiz to find out.
Top three predictors of a happy marriage among parents:
1. Sexual Intimacy.
2. Commitment.
3. Generosity.
What Couples Want to Know But Are Too Shy to Ask
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : May 29, 2012
Lately, when I've been talking with readers about their marriages and long-term relationships, I hear the same question over and over. "How do I say I'm not satisfied with our sex life?"
Some say they are unhappy because they have little or no sex in their marriage. Others wish they could find the nerve to tell a partner about sexual fantasies or what they really want to do in bed. Most worry their spouse doesn't notice there is a problem and that they feel unfulfilled.
You'd think it would be easier. Sex talk is omnipresent in our culture. We can read sex tips in popular magazines and listen to TV talk-show hosts joke about the latest political sex scandal.
But it's rare to see examples of someone discussing sex with the person he or she actually has sex with. "Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk," says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. "You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability," he says. No one teaches us how to do that.
How much sex is "normal" in a long-term relationship? Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few times per month, according to "The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States," a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field.
Married couples have more sex than either dating couples or co-habitating couples, other research has shown. When sex therapists talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer than 10 times a year, Dr. McCarthy says.
Sex is important but not necessarily at the core of what binds couples together. It energizes the relationship, making each person feel desired and desirable, and serves as a buffer against trials and difficulties, Dr. McCarthy says. When a couple avoids or is conflicted about sex, the disconnection can play an inordinately negative role, he says. Often, if you can repair the sexual bond, the relationship improves as well.
Love's initial romantic phase lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years, experts say. During this time, our hormones are out of control. We are intoxicated with our partner and find it easier to talk about sex.
But in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. "Earlier in a relationship, by contrast, "we don't feel like we're springing new or buried parts of ourselves on them," says Bat Sheva Marcus, licensed master social worker and clinical director of the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in Purchase, N.Y., and Manhattan.
Sexual problems can crop up for emotional and/or physiological reasons, whether it is stress from work and child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing.
Pamela and Kai Madsen, of Riverdale, N.Y., have been married 30 years. They fell in love when she was a high school senior and he was a midshipman at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. "Think 'Officer and a Gentleman'—a man in a white dress uniform showing up at my graduation with three dozen red roses," says Ms. Madsen, 50 and an author and blogger about topics including female sexuality.
They had trouble having children. Ms. Madsen underwent fertility treatments during which she gained weight and ended up feeling damaged and unsexy. They worked hard—Ms. Madsen as the founder of an advocacy organization for fertility issues, Mr. Madsen in information technology—and eventually raised two sons. They considered their marriage strong and warm.
About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. The couple rarely had sex—and when they did, it was "efficient," Ms. Madsen says. Her husband, 54, says, "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."
Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he explained that he was still working. "I acknowledged that we needed to schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much changed," he says.
Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same. "I wanted to feel sexually alive again, too," she says. Instead, she decided to try sex therapy, and several therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books. She discovered that sexual fantasies and role-playing about bondage turned her on—and she has since written a book, published last year, about exploring her sexuality within a monogamous marriage titled, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner."
It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to talk to her husband about her realization. She blurted it out one night in the kitchen over a pot of chili. "I love you but there is something I need to tell you," she said.
Mr. Madsen says he was stunned and hurt. "My first reaction was, 'Why? What am I not giving her?' " His wife said her dissatisfaction wasn't a reflection on him and invited him to accompany her to a therapy session. They talked about her fantasies and his feelings about them. They learned what turns her on doesn't do the same for him—and that is OK. They feel sure the frank discussion of sex made their marriage stronger, in and out of bed.
Some couples are so estranged that not only don't they have sex, but they also don't sleep in the same bed or even touch each other. Experts say when intimacy has eroded this much, the couple may need professional help. Not all marital therapists have experience with sexual issues, though. Two groups that can help are the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
To jump-start their sex life, couples need to start by sleeping in the same bed, experts say—no kids, no pets. Spontaneity is great, but 80% of married couples schedule time to have sex, says Dr. McCarthy—preferably when not dead tired.
Try showing more physical affection. "A lot of couples don't have any touch if they aren't going to have intercourse," says Dr. McCarthy. "But touch has value in and of itself and can be a bridge for desire."
And if there's something particular that feels too embarrassing to talk about, get a how-to book. Put sticky notes on pertinent pages. Add a message: "This embarrasses me to talk about, so I thought I'd show you." With a smiley face.
Breaking the Ice
Having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse? Here are some ways to make it easier.
Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : May 29, 2012
Lately, when I've been talking with readers about their marriages and long-term relationships, I hear the same question over and over. "How do I say I'm not satisfied with our sex life?"
Some say they are unhappy because they have little or no sex in their marriage. Others wish they could find the nerve to tell a partner about sexual fantasies or what they really want to do in bed. Most worry their spouse doesn't notice there is a problem and that they feel unfulfilled.
You'd think it would be easier. Sex talk is omnipresent in our culture. We can read sex tips in popular magazines and listen to TV talk-show hosts joke about the latest political sex scandal.
But it's rare to see examples of someone discussing sex with the person he or she actually has sex with. "Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk," says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. "You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability," he says. No one teaches us how to do that.
How much sex is "normal" in a long-term relationship? Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few times per month, according to "The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States," a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field.
Married couples have more sex than either dating couples or co-habitating couples, other research has shown. When sex therapists talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer than 10 times a year, Dr. McCarthy says.
Sex is important but not necessarily at the core of what binds couples together. It energizes the relationship, making each person feel desired and desirable, and serves as a buffer against trials and difficulties, Dr. McCarthy says. When a couple avoids or is conflicted about sex, the disconnection can play an inordinately negative role, he says. Often, if you can repair the sexual bond, the relationship improves as well.
Love's initial romantic phase lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years, experts say. During this time, our hormones are out of control. We are intoxicated with our partner and find it easier to talk about sex.
But in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. "Earlier in a relationship, by contrast, "we don't feel like we're springing new or buried parts of ourselves on them," says Bat Sheva Marcus, licensed master social worker and clinical director of the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in Purchase, N.Y., and Manhattan.
Sexual problems can crop up for emotional and/or physiological reasons, whether it is stress from work and child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing.
Pamela and Kai Madsen, of Riverdale, N.Y., have been married 30 years. They fell in love when she was a high school senior and he was a midshipman at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. "Think 'Officer and a Gentleman'—a man in a white dress uniform showing up at my graduation with three dozen red roses," says Ms. Madsen, 50 and an author and blogger about topics including female sexuality.
They had trouble having children. Ms. Madsen underwent fertility treatments during which she gained weight and ended up feeling damaged and unsexy. They worked hard—Ms. Madsen as the founder of an advocacy organization for fertility issues, Mr. Madsen in information technology—and eventually raised two sons. They considered their marriage strong and warm.
About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. The couple rarely had sex—and when they did, it was "efficient," Ms. Madsen says. Her husband, 54, says, "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."
Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he explained that he was still working. "I acknowledged that we needed to schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much changed," he says.
Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same. "I wanted to feel sexually alive again, too," she says. Instead, she decided to try sex therapy, and several therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books. She discovered that sexual fantasies and role-playing about bondage turned her on—and she has since written a book, published last year, about exploring her sexuality within a monogamous marriage titled, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner."
It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to talk to her husband about her realization. She blurted it out one night in the kitchen over a pot of chili. "I love you but there is something I need to tell you," she said.
Mr. Madsen says he was stunned and hurt. "My first reaction was, 'Why? What am I not giving her?' " His wife said her dissatisfaction wasn't a reflection on him and invited him to accompany her to a therapy session. They talked about her fantasies and his feelings about them. They learned what turns her on doesn't do the same for him—and that is OK. They feel sure the frank discussion of sex made their marriage stronger, in and out of bed.
Some couples are so estranged that not only don't they have sex, but they also don't sleep in the same bed or even touch each other. Experts say when intimacy has eroded this much, the couple may need professional help. Not all marital therapists have experience with sexual issues, though. Two groups that can help are the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
To jump-start their sex life, couples need to start by sleeping in the same bed, experts say—no kids, no pets. Spontaneity is great, but 80% of married couples schedule time to have sex, says Dr. McCarthy—preferably when not dead tired.
Try showing more physical affection. "A lot of couples don't have any touch if they aren't going to have intercourse," says Dr. McCarthy. "But touch has value in and of itself and can be a bridge for desire."
And if there's something particular that feels too embarrassing to talk about, get a how-to book. Put sticky notes on pertinent pages. Add a message: "This embarrasses me to talk about, so I thought I'd show you." With a smiley face.
Breaking the Ice
Having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse? Here are some ways to make it easier.
- Be gentle. Need an opening line? 'I love you, and I'd like to feel more connected to you.'
- Never discuss sex right after having sex (unless you have only good things to say). Sex therapists say the best place to discuss sex is out of the bedroom—in the kitchen while making dinner, on a walk, taking a drive.
- Realize that the discussion may take more than one conversation. You don't have to knock it out all in one sitting.
- Don't ascribe blame. Don't psychoanalyze. Just describe what you feel is the problem. 'You seem much less interested in sex than you used to be.' Ask if your partner has noticed this as well.
- Tell your partner five to 15 things you really like about him or her. Never say, 'If you loved me, you would…'
Are you using your kids to escape your marriage?
Lylah M. Alphonse : Boston.com : June 14, 2010
It runs counter to our instincts as parents, but a new book suggests that making your kids your top priority may be doing them more harm than good.
An Episcopal minister and family coach, David Code suggests that parents who focus first on maintaining a strong marriage end up having happier, better-adjusted children than those who make their kids their top priority.
"The truth is, we often find it easier to be with our kids than our partners," Code said in an interivew. "This seems child-friendly, but we don't realize we're using our kids as an escape from our spouses."
Code says that his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First, was born out of frustration. "Couples asked me to save their marriage when they already had one foot in the lawyer's office," he remembers. "Parents wanted me to fix their kid’s problem when it was obvious to me the child couldn’t help acting out because of the highly anxious household she was living in."
"I wrote this book as preventive medicine," he says. "This book is for families who are doing fine, and want to stay that way."
Married for 14 years and the father of a 10-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl, Code says that the idea of a conflict-free marriage is a myth. "Most couples believe that if they don’t fight much, then they don’t have relationship problems," he said. But when partners don't address issues directly, they end up avoiding the problems -- and each other. "We turn to our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore."
The avoidance leads to tension and anxiety, which in turn can cause all sorts of problems for children. "You can't hide the tension in a marriage, because kids pick up on everything." Code said. "Parents don't realize they are off-loading their anxiety onto their kids, and then kids act-out or develop [medical or emotional] symptoms."
The solution seems counterintuitive.
"To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second," Code suggested. (To read my entire interview with Code, including his tips on how to keep a good marriage from going bad, click here.)
"Here's the biggest myth of parenting: The more attention we give our kids, the better they'll turn out," Code said. "Where are the results? Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today's kids don't seem happier, more independent or successful. They seem more troubled, entitled and needy."
Unlike children and their demands, "Our marriages are important, but not urgent. So we neglect to feed and water our marriages, which die so slowly and quietly that we don't even realize our mistake until it's too late," Code explained. "But not only do we lose our marriages, we set a poor example for our children's future marriages, and we also create highly-anxious households where our kids soak up that anxiety and then act out."
Code is not saying that the needs of the spouse outweigh those of the child. "I don't see it as either/or," he said. "I see it as setting priorities that benefit everyone in the long run, even if they don't recognize it at present."
By focusing on the marriage first and the children second, parents can also avoid another pitfall: overparenting, a.k.a. "helicopter parenting."
"The definition of overparenting is doing for your child what your child can, and should do, for herself," Code says. "We think this is child-friendly, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We over-protect and over-praise our little darlings until they believe they truly are the center of the universe. They learn no skills in teamwork or cooperation, and their future bosses and spouses won't be able to stand them."
Code admits to having done his share of helicopter parenting. "Before [writing the book], I was not even aware of how much helicopter parenting I was doing, or the damage it was doing to my kids," he says. "Today, I am more self-aware. I still do plenty of helicoptering, but I catch myself sooner and do less harm to my kids."
In most families today where the kids are the top priority, maintaining the marriage is low on the list. But even small changes -- talking about both the highlights and the "lowlights" of your day, going for a walk together (baby monitor in hand, if necessary) after the kids are in bed instead of watching TV, and reinforcing your bond with your partner through intimacy -- can make a big difference in the long run.
"It's not about going from chaos to perfection," Code says. "It's about just five percent improvement. Over a lifetime, that five percent improvement could make the difference between your child graduating from college, getting divorced, or raising a child with mental illness."
Lylah M. Alphonse : Boston.com : June 14, 2010
It runs counter to our instincts as parents, but a new book suggests that making your kids your top priority may be doing them more harm than good.
An Episcopal minister and family coach, David Code suggests that parents who focus first on maintaining a strong marriage end up having happier, better-adjusted children than those who make their kids their top priority.
"The truth is, we often find it easier to be with our kids than our partners," Code said in an interivew. "This seems child-friendly, but we don't realize we're using our kids as an escape from our spouses."
Code says that his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First, was born out of frustration. "Couples asked me to save their marriage when they already had one foot in the lawyer's office," he remembers. "Parents wanted me to fix their kid’s problem when it was obvious to me the child couldn’t help acting out because of the highly anxious household she was living in."
"I wrote this book as preventive medicine," he says. "This book is for families who are doing fine, and want to stay that way."
Married for 14 years and the father of a 10-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl, Code says that the idea of a conflict-free marriage is a myth. "Most couples believe that if they don’t fight much, then they don’t have relationship problems," he said. But when partners don't address issues directly, they end up avoiding the problems -- and each other. "We turn to our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore."
The avoidance leads to tension and anxiety, which in turn can cause all sorts of problems for children. "You can't hide the tension in a marriage, because kids pick up on everything." Code said. "Parents don't realize they are off-loading their anxiety onto their kids, and then kids act-out or develop [medical or emotional] symptoms."
The solution seems counterintuitive.
"To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second," Code suggested. (To read my entire interview with Code, including his tips on how to keep a good marriage from going bad, click here.)
"Here's the biggest myth of parenting: The more attention we give our kids, the better they'll turn out," Code said. "Where are the results? Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today's kids don't seem happier, more independent or successful. They seem more troubled, entitled and needy."
Unlike children and their demands, "Our marriages are important, but not urgent. So we neglect to feed and water our marriages, which die so slowly and quietly that we don't even realize our mistake until it's too late," Code explained. "But not only do we lose our marriages, we set a poor example for our children's future marriages, and we also create highly-anxious households where our kids soak up that anxiety and then act out."
Code is not saying that the needs of the spouse outweigh those of the child. "I don't see it as either/or," he said. "I see it as setting priorities that benefit everyone in the long run, even if they don't recognize it at present."
By focusing on the marriage first and the children second, parents can also avoid another pitfall: overparenting, a.k.a. "helicopter parenting."
"The definition of overparenting is doing for your child what your child can, and should do, for herself," Code says. "We think this is child-friendly, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We over-protect and over-praise our little darlings until they believe they truly are the center of the universe. They learn no skills in teamwork or cooperation, and their future bosses and spouses won't be able to stand them."
Code admits to having done his share of helicopter parenting. "Before [writing the book], I was not even aware of how much helicopter parenting I was doing, or the damage it was doing to my kids," he says. "Today, I am more self-aware. I still do plenty of helicoptering, but I catch myself sooner and do less harm to my kids."
In most families today where the kids are the top priority, maintaining the marriage is low on the list. But even small changes -- talking about both the highlights and the "lowlights" of your day, going for a walk together (baby monitor in hand, if necessary) after the kids are in bed instead of watching TV, and reinforcing your bond with your partner through intimacy -- can make a big difference in the long run.
"It's not about going from chaos to perfection," Code says. "It's about just five percent improvement. Over a lifetime, that five percent improvement could make the difference between your child graduating from college, getting divorced, or raising a child with mental illness."
ANGER MANAGEMENT
This Loved One Will Explode in Five, Four ...
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : December 13, 2010
Melissa Hoistion was enjoying dinner with her husband and their three children at a restaurant in Freehold, N.J., recently—until the waiter disappeared for 20 minutes.
Her husband, Tim, began muttering. Ms. Hoistion braced herself. "Uh-oh, here it comes," she remembers thinking.
"EXCUSE ME!" he screamed across the room to another waiter, then stormed off to complain to the manager. When the original server finally returned to the table, her husband yelled, "Where the hell have you been for the last 45 minutes?" and continued berating him until the man walked away.
People at other tables stared. Ms. Hoistion, a 35-year-old public-relations representative for a drug- and alcohol-addiction treatment center, put her head down and a hand over her eyes. In the car on the way home, she told her husband, "You know I hate it when you do that. It ruins the dinner."
With the holiday season in full swing, so are angry meltdowns in department stores, restaurants, airports and just about anywhere else, really. People are exhausted, stressed out and worried about money. Many don't have good coping skills to begin with at any time of year.
Yet, as anyone who has ever loved someone with a hair-trigger temper can tell you, a lot more than a meal can be ruined when an adult has a tantrum in public. Joe James, a 50-year-old Bethesda, Md., psychologist, knows it all too well. He recalls how years ago, when he was in graduate school, he would snap at professors, other drivers on the road, friends and family members. He was fired from a job as a computer repairman for yelling at underlings for 15 minutes straight. His long-term girlfriend said she was tired of walking on eggshells and left, after he had yelled at her one too many times. Even his dog was scared of him: One day, Dr. James was laughing loudly while talking on the phone, and the dog hid under the bed. "I was not a pleasant person to live with," he says.
Ms. Hoistion says she finds her husband's habit of loudly confronting waiters, store managers or noisy people in movie theaters extremely embarrassing, and she tells him every time he does it. Yet he brushes off her concerns, she says, and insists the behavior is warranted. As a result, after one of his outbursts, they often argue, she says.
"I don't want to sound like a jerk, but if I'm paying for service, I expect good service," says Mr. Hoistion, 43, a customer-service manager for a cleaning-supplies company. "And sometimes yelling at them is the least that they deserve." He does admit that his voice becomes "really, really loud, like the Jolly Green Giant giving you hell," when he gets mad.
To be clear, I'm not talking about spousal abuse here. Experts agree you should leave a relationship with a person who physically or verbally abuses you. What I am talking about are public meltdowns—along the lines of a toddler's tantrum—that some people direct at those unlucky enough to be in the vicinity.
People get angry for any number of reasons, of course. Many are so stressed that any slightly upsetting incident in their day sets them off.
"Anger is a protective response to a perceived hurt," says Dr. James, who taught himself to control his own temper and became a professional anger management expert. "If you are overwhelmed and something comes out of the blue, for you it's going to feel like a threat."
Many people may be in denial about how mad they get. When we get angry, the emotional center of the brain has a much greater influence than the part that governs conscious thinking. And some experts believe that the angrier we become, the less aware we may be of it.
So what can you do when someone is melting down? Psychologists agree on the importance of remaining calm when the other person blows up. This isn't your tantrum. Don't withdraw completely, but limit what you say to validating the person's feelings—that you understand why he is upset—not the bad behavior.
"It's unlikely you'll have a constructive conversation when someone is in the red zone," says Susan Orenstein, a Cary, N.C., psychologist who specializes in anger management. "But I think it's important to say something like, 'I can't really listen to you when you are throwing things. But I would be glad to listen when you calm down.' "
After everyone has quieted down, explain calmly why the meltdown upset you. Ask your loved one how the tantrum made him feel and what might really have sparked the anger.
Is the person worried about work, money, the kids? Try to ask open-ended questions so you can really get a sense of what is going on.
At some point, you may want to suggest professional help. You can tell your loved one you are concerned and that the behavior is affecting the relationship. You may want to suggest you go to therapy together. Even if your loved one won't go, you may want to go alone.
In the meantime, you'll have to set boundaries. Stop putting yourself in potentially explosive situations. Go out to dinner or travel with someone else. Shop alone. Drive your own car.
Consider an ultimatum—but only if you mean it.
"People always say they want to change," says Dr. James. "But until the price of doing business the old way is more painful than the price of changing, people are very reluctant to do it.
Managing Anger: When It Isn't Yours
How do you keep a loved one's tantrums from ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts:
· Don't be silent. Ignoring the bad behavior enables it. And withdrawal makes the angry person feel judged, says Joe James, a psychologist and anger-management specialist.
· Validate the feelings, not the behavior. 'Say, "Honey, I understand that you are really upset," ' says Karen McMahon, a divorce and separation coach from Oceanside, N.Y. 'You are not validating their reaction; you are validating their emotion. And it is the quickest way to disarm them.'
· Explain later why the behavior upsets you.Were you embarrassed? Irritated that an evening out was ruined? Frustrated that the situation caused delays? Say, 'I love you but it's hard for me to be supportive of you when you handle a situation like that.'
· Ask open-ended questions. How does the person feel about her behavior? Is she under stress? Try to understand what's going on.
· Change your own behavior. Stop upholding your end of the relationship—refuse to cook, say—until the bad behavior stops. 'As soon as one person begins to change, the dance has to change,' Ms. McMahon says. 'The shift always happens when you change yourself, not the other person.'
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : December 13, 2010
Melissa Hoistion was enjoying dinner with her husband and their three children at a restaurant in Freehold, N.J., recently—until the waiter disappeared for 20 minutes.
Her husband, Tim, began muttering. Ms. Hoistion braced herself. "Uh-oh, here it comes," she remembers thinking.
"EXCUSE ME!" he screamed across the room to another waiter, then stormed off to complain to the manager. When the original server finally returned to the table, her husband yelled, "Where the hell have you been for the last 45 minutes?" and continued berating him until the man walked away.
People at other tables stared. Ms. Hoistion, a 35-year-old public-relations representative for a drug- and alcohol-addiction treatment center, put her head down and a hand over her eyes. In the car on the way home, she told her husband, "You know I hate it when you do that. It ruins the dinner."
With the holiday season in full swing, so are angry meltdowns in department stores, restaurants, airports and just about anywhere else, really. People are exhausted, stressed out and worried about money. Many don't have good coping skills to begin with at any time of year.
Yet, as anyone who has ever loved someone with a hair-trigger temper can tell you, a lot more than a meal can be ruined when an adult has a tantrum in public. Joe James, a 50-year-old Bethesda, Md., psychologist, knows it all too well. He recalls how years ago, when he was in graduate school, he would snap at professors, other drivers on the road, friends and family members. He was fired from a job as a computer repairman for yelling at underlings for 15 minutes straight. His long-term girlfriend said she was tired of walking on eggshells and left, after he had yelled at her one too many times. Even his dog was scared of him: One day, Dr. James was laughing loudly while talking on the phone, and the dog hid under the bed. "I was not a pleasant person to live with," he says.
Ms. Hoistion says she finds her husband's habit of loudly confronting waiters, store managers or noisy people in movie theaters extremely embarrassing, and she tells him every time he does it. Yet he brushes off her concerns, she says, and insists the behavior is warranted. As a result, after one of his outbursts, they often argue, she says.
"I don't want to sound like a jerk, but if I'm paying for service, I expect good service," says Mr. Hoistion, 43, a customer-service manager for a cleaning-supplies company. "And sometimes yelling at them is the least that they deserve." He does admit that his voice becomes "really, really loud, like the Jolly Green Giant giving you hell," when he gets mad.
To be clear, I'm not talking about spousal abuse here. Experts agree you should leave a relationship with a person who physically or verbally abuses you. What I am talking about are public meltdowns—along the lines of a toddler's tantrum—that some people direct at those unlucky enough to be in the vicinity.
People get angry for any number of reasons, of course. Many are so stressed that any slightly upsetting incident in their day sets them off.
"Anger is a protective response to a perceived hurt," says Dr. James, who taught himself to control his own temper and became a professional anger management expert. "If you are overwhelmed and something comes out of the blue, for you it's going to feel like a threat."
Many people may be in denial about how mad they get. When we get angry, the emotional center of the brain has a much greater influence than the part that governs conscious thinking. And some experts believe that the angrier we become, the less aware we may be of it.
So what can you do when someone is melting down? Psychologists agree on the importance of remaining calm when the other person blows up. This isn't your tantrum. Don't withdraw completely, but limit what you say to validating the person's feelings—that you understand why he is upset—not the bad behavior.
"It's unlikely you'll have a constructive conversation when someone is in the red zone," says Susan Orenstein, a Cary, N.C., psychologist who specializes in anger management. "But I think it's important to say something like, 'I can't really listen to you when you are throwing things. But I would be glad to listen when you calm down.' "
After everyone has quieted down, explain calmly why the meltdown upset you. Ask your loved one how the tantrum made him feel and what might really have sparked the anger.
Is the person worried about work, money, the kids? Try to ask open-ended questions so you can really get a sense of what is going on.
At some point, you may want to suggest professional help. You can tell your loved one you are concerned and that the behavior is affecting the relationship. You may want to suggest you go to therapy together. Even if your loved one won't go, you may want to go alone.
In the meantime, you'll have to set boundaries. Stop putting yourself in potentially explosive situations. Go out to dinner or travel with someone else. Shop alone. Drive your own car.
Consider an ultimatum—but only if you mean it.
"People always say they want to change," says Dr. James. "But until the price of doing business the old way is more painful than the price of changing, people are very reluctant to do it.
Managing Anger: When It Isn't Yours
How do you keep a loved one's tantrums from ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts:
· Don't be silent. Ignoring the bad behavior enables it. And withdrawal makes the angry person feel judged, says Joe James, a psychologist and anger-management specialist.
· Validate the feelings, not the behavior. 'Say, "Honey, I understand that you are really upset," ' says Karen McMahon, a divorce and separation coach from Oceanside, N.Y. 'You are not validating their reaction; you are validating their emotion. And it is the quickest way to disarm them.'
· Explain later why the behavior upsets you.Were you embarrassed? Irritated that an evening out was ruined? Frustrated that the situation caused delays? Say, 'I love you but it's hard for me to be supportive of you when you handle a situation like that.'
· Ask open-ended questions. How does the person feel about her behavior? Is she under stress? Try to understand what's going on.
· Change your own behavior. Stop upholding your end of the relationship—refuse to cook, say—until the bad behavior stops. 'As soon as one person begins to change, the dance has to change,' Ms. McMahon says. 'The shift always happens when you change yourself, not the other person.'
Big Explosions, Small Reasons
Study Explains Why Social Rule Breakers Spark Angry Outbursts
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : October 15, 2012
Shortly after settling into his seat on a Manhattan commuter train one morning, Richard Laermer heard a familiar sound. A man across the aisle was tapping on his smartphone. Clickclickclick. Clickclickclickclick—for 45 minutes.
Fellow passengers rolled their eyes, sighed heavily and craned their necks to glare. Mr. Laermer, a 51-year-old Ridgefield, Conn., business-book writer, tried to bury his head in a book. But there was no escape from the annoying sound, and finally he decided to speak up. "Excuse me, would you please turn off the clicks?" he said.
The man's response? "It was like I'd kicked him or scalded him with coffee," Mr. Laermer recalls. He jumped up and shouted, "Is this what it's now come to? People want you to type more gently?" He ranted for several minutes and ended with, "Who do you think you are? Do you really think you can tell me what to do?"
"Yes, that's exactly right," answered Mr. Laermer, who had remained quiet during the tirade. "Please turn the clicks off." People nearby began clapping, and the angry man sat down, red faced and turned his phone off.
Why do adults throw tantrums over seemingly trivial provocations? Sure, the decline of common courtesy is appalling, and some people aren't as nice as others. But times are stressful enough for us all. Shouldn't we have learned by now that indulging in a fit of yelling, whether at a customer-service rep or a spouse, never helps?
Researchers at Duke University, in a yet-to-be-published study, looked for explanations of why people melt down over small things. Their findings suggest we are reacting to a perceived violation of an unwritten yet fundamental rule. It's the old, childhood wail: "It's not fair!"
Researchers call these unwritten laws of behavior "social exchange rules." We're not supposed to be rude or inconsiderate; we are supposed to be polite, fair, honest and caring. Don't cut in line. Drive safely. Clean up after yourself.
"We can't have successful interactions in relationships, mutually beneficial to both people involved, if one person violates these rules," says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke and lead author of the study. "And we can't have a beneficial society if we can't trust each other not to lie, not to be unethical, not to watch out for our general well-being."
The feelings that linger after an angry outburst usually make the person who exploded feel worse. David Katz, 38, founder of a social-network start-up in Toronto, was walking a friend's elderly Shih Tzu recently when a well-dressed man, typing on his BlackBerry, nearly stepped on the dog.
Mr. Katz knocked the phone out of the man's hand and told him to watch where he was going. The two men swore at each other. The man with the BlackBerry said, "What's your problem? It's just a dog." Mr. Katz threw the man against a parked van and said if he saw him again, they would "have issues."
"I'm not proud of how I handled the situation," Mr. Katz says. He does often see the man in his neighborhood, and they each look at the ground without acknowledging the other. "It's really awkward," he says.
I am ashamed to admit that I once became so worked up, after a long time on the phone with a help desk trying to get my laptop unlocked, that I began to bleat over and over, "This is unacceptable!" The kind and exceedingly patient woman on the phone with me said, "Madam, please, can you breathe? May you take a glass of water?"
Dr. Leary at Duke decided to study people's overreactions to inconsequential events several years ago, after he witnessed the Pickle Incident. He was at a fast-food restaurant and saw a man in a business suit march up to the counter, throw his hamburger down and yell: "Why is there a pickle on my sandwich?" Loudly, he said he would have the counter clerk fired because she was "too stupid" to work there. The clerk looked as if she would cry. Another employee handed the customer a new hamburger, and he left.
The scene made Dr. Leary think there must be something critically important about unwritten social rules if we feel so deeply violated that we need to let the world know when someone breaks one. "It's not the pickle," says Dr. Leary. "It's that you are doing something that makes me not trust you, that you may harm or disadvantage me because you are not playing by the rules."
Often both parties perceive they have been wronged. Michelle Tennant, 43, chief creative officer for a Saluda, N.C., publicity firm, was waiting at a "Line Forms Here" sign at a Barnes & Noble when a clerk signaled for her to step forward. Right then, a woman who had been waiting four registers away snapped, "Hey! The line forms here!" Ms. Tennant pointed out the sign. The woman, with a young daughter in tow, bellowed, "That's right. I was standing in the wrong place and so what? Now I'm checking out. Get over it!" Ms. Tennant moved to the next register, where she and the clerk rolled their eyes about the other woman's behavior. Meanwhile, the woman kept yelling, "Get OVER it! I'm checking out before you!"
Experts advise people who are prone to outbursts to recognize the behavior, then learn to be "personal scientists," identify "triggers" and work on changing their response. Hate slow drivers? Leave for work earlier, so you'll be less rushed. Or practice anger management. Breathe and count to 10. Think of something pleasant. Remind yourself that tantrums aren't worth it and if you have one you will probably feel worse. "You can't avoid the noxious stimuli of life," says Stephen C. Josephson, a clinical psychologist and faculty member at Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York. "You need to not respond to every provocation."
In the Duke study, Dr. Leary asked 200 people in romantic relationships to think of something their partner does that is annoying or upsetting but fairly inconsequential. Then he asked them to rate the degree to which the behavior affected their lives—involving money, job or overall happiness—and the degree to which it seemed unfair, rude, selfish, disrespectful or otherwise violated social-exchange rules.
He found that, regardless of gender or personality, everyone could name something that drove them over the edge, although people who were more "rule-bound" tended to be more upset. Social-exchange rule violations had a 30% greater effect on the magnitude of a person's anger than the amount of tangible harm the person felt had been done, he concluded. In an earlier study, he found a third of the time, people who overreacted to a small annoyance said it was the last straw in a string of events.
Jonathan Yarmis was pulling into a shopping mall one afternoon, and he cut off a guy driving a dual-cab pickup truck. Mr. Yarmis pulled into his parking spot, and the truck came to a stop right behind his car. "Never a good sign," says Mr. Yarmis, 57, a technology-industry analyst in Stamford, Conn.
The irate driver, a large man, yelled, "What do you think you are, a race car driver?" Mr. Yarmis, who has driven in several amateur auto races, replied: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am." The man seemed taken aback but replied, "Well, you're still an a—," to which Mr. Yarmis replied: "You're right about that, too."
"He laughed, I laughed—and we actually had lunch together," says. Mr. Yarmis. "My treat."
Managing Anger: When It Isn't Yours
How do you keep a loved one's tantrums from ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts:
Study Explains Why Social Rule Breakers Spark Angry Outbursts
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : October 15, 2012
Shortly after settling into his seat on a Manhattan commuter train one morning, Richard Laermer heard a familiar sound. A man across the aisle was tapping on his smartphone. Clickclickclick. Clickclickclickclick—for 45 minutes.
Fellow passengers rolled their eyes, sighed heavily and craned their necks to glare. Mr. Laermer, a 51-year-old Ridgefield, Conn., business-book writer, tried to bury his head in a book. But there was no escape from the annoying sound, and finally he decided to speak up. "Excuse me, would you please turn off the clicks?" he said.
The man's response? "It was like I'd kicked him or scalded him with coffee," Mr. Laermer recalls. He jumped up and shouted, "Is this what it's now come to? People want you to type more gently?" He ranted for several minutes and ended with, "Who do you think you are? Do you really think you can tell me what to do?"
"Yes, that's exactly right," answered Mr. Laermer, who had remained quiet during the tirade. "Please turn the clicks off." People nearby began clapping, and the angry man sat down, red faced and turned his phone off.
Why do adults throw tantrums over seemingly trivial provocations? Sure, the decline of common courtesy is appalling, and some people aren't as nice as others. But times are stressful enough for us all. Shouldn't we have learned by now that indulging in a fit of yelling, whether at a customer-service rep or a spouse, never helps?
Researchers at Duke University, in a yet-to-be-published study, looked for explanations of why people melt down over small things. Their findings suggest we are reacting to a perceived violation of an unwritten yet fundamental rule. It's the old, childhood wail: "It's not fair!"
Researchers call these unwritten laws of behavior "social exchange rules." We're not supposed to be rude or inconsiderate; we are supposed to be polite, fair, honest and caring. Don't cut in line. Drive safely. Clean up after yourself.
"We can't have successful interactions in relationships, mutually beneficial to both people involved, if one person violates these rules," says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke and lead author of the study. "And we can't have a beneficial society if we can't trust each other not to lie, not to be unethical, not to watch out for our general well-being."
The feelings that linger after an angry outburst usually make the person who exploded feel worse. David Katz, 38, founder of a social-network start-up in Toronto, was walking a friend's elderly Shih Tzu recently when a well-dressed man, typing on his BlackBerry, nearly stepped on the dog.
Mr. Katz knocked the phone out of the man's hand and told him to watch where he was going. The two men swore at each other. The man with the BlackBerry said, "What's your problem? It's just a dog." Mr. Katz threw the man against a parked van and said if he saw him again, they would "have issues."
"I'm not proud of how I handled the situation," Mr. Katz says. He does often see the man in his neighborhood, and they each look at the ground without acknowledging the other. "It's really awkward," he says.
I am ashamed to admit that I once became so worked up, after a long time on the phone with a help desk trying to get my laptop unlocked, that I began to bleat over and over, "This is unacceptable!" The kind and exceedingly patient woman on the phone with me said, "Madam, please, can you breathe? May you take a glass of water?"
Dr. Leary at Duke decided to study people's overreactions to inconsequential events several years ago, after he witnessed the Pickle Incident. He was at a fast-food restaurant and saw a man in a business suit march up to the counter, throw his hamburger down and yell: "Why is there a pickle on my sandwich?" Loudly, he said he would have the counter clerk fired because she was "too stupid" to work there. The clerk looked as if she would cry. Another employee handed the customer a new hamburger, and he left.
The scene made Dr. Leary think there must be something critically important about unwritten social rules if we feel so deeply violated that we need to let the world know when someone breaks one. "It's not the pickle," says Dr. Leary. "It's that you are doing something that makes me not trust you, that you may harm or disadvantage me because you are not playing by the rules."
Often both parties perceive they have been wronged. Michelle Tennant, 43, chief creative officer for a Saluda, N.C., publicity firm, was waiting at a "Line Forms Here" sign at a Barnes & Noble when a clerk signaled for her to step forward. Right then, a woman who had been waiting four registers away snapped, "Hey! The line forms here!" Ms. Tennant pointed out the sign. The woman, with a young daughter in tow, bellowed, "That's right. I was standing in the wrong place and so what? Now I'm checking out. Get over it!" Ms. Tennant moved to the next register, where she and the clerk rolled their eyes about the other woman's behavior. Meanwhile, the woman kept yelling, "Get OVER it! I'm checking out before you!"
Experts advise people who are prone to outbursts to recognize the behavior, then learn to be "personal scientists," identify "triggers" and work on changing their response. Hate slow drivers? Leave for work earlier, so you'll be less rushed. Or practice anger management. Breathe and count to 10. Think of something pleasant. Remind yourself that tantrums aren't worth it and if you have one you will probably feel worse. "You can't avoid the noxious stimuli of life," says Stephen C. Josephson, a clinical psychologist and faculty member at Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York. "You need to not respond to every provocation."
In the Duke study, Dr. Leary asked 200 people in romantic relationships to think of something their partner does that is annoying or upsetting but fairly inconsequential. Then he asked them to rate the degree to which the behavior affected their lives—involving money, job or overall happiness—and the degree to which it seemed unfair, rude, selfish, disrespectful or otherwise violated social-exchange rules.
He found that, regardless of gender or personality, everyone could name something that drove them over the edge, although people who were more "rule-bound" tended to be more upset. Social-exchange rule violations had a 30% greater effect on the magnitude of a person's anger than the amount of tangible harm the person felt had been done, he concluded. In an earlier study, he found a third of the time, people who overreacted to a small annoyance said it was the last straw in a string of events.
Jonathan Yarmis was pulling into a shopping mall one afternoon, and he cut off a guy driving a dual-cab pickup truck. Mr. Yarmis pulled into his parking spot, and the truck came to a stop right behind his car. "Never a good sign," says Mr. Yarmis, 57, a technology-industry analyst in Stamford, Conn.
The irate driver, a large man, yelled, "What do you think you are, a race car driver?" Mr. Yarmis, who has driven in several amateur auto races, replied: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am." The man seemed taken aback but replied, "Well, you're still an a—," to which Mr. Yarmis replied: "You're right about that, too."
"He laughed, I laughed—and we actually had lunch together," says. Mr. Yarmis. "My treat."
Managing Anger: When It Isn't Yours
How do you keep a loved one's tantrums from ruining your relationship? Here are some tips from the experts:
- Don't be silent. Ignoring the bad behavior enables it. And withdrawal makes the angry person feel judged, says Joe James, a psychologist and anger-management specialist.
- Validate the feelings, not the behavior. 'Say, "Honey, I understand that you are really upset," ' says Karen McMahon, a divorce and separation coach from Oceanside, N.Y. 'You are not validating their reaction; you are validating their emotion. And it is the quickest way to disarm them.'
- Explain later why the behavior upsets you.Were you embarrassed? Irritated that an evening out was ruined? Frustrated that the situation caused delays? Say, 'I love you but it's hard for me to be supportive of you when you handle a situation like that.'
- Ask open-ended questions. How does the person feel about her behavior? Is she under stress? Try to understand what's going on.
- Change your own behavior. Stop upholding your end of the relationship—refuse to cook, say—until the bad behavior stops. 'As soon as one person begins to change, the dance has to change,' Ms. McMahon says. 'The shift always happens when you change yourself, not the other person.'
Don’t Hit Send: Angry Emails Just Make You Angrier
Venting is bad for us, research shows; It makes us angrier, and it is easier than ever to vent online and on social media
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : Aug. 10, 2015
One evening, after a frustrating chat with his boss, Jason Bauman sent an email to a co-worker. He wrote that his supervisor never praised him, only criticized, and said he found this frustrating.
He went on for several hundred words. Mr. Bauman, the manager of a cellphone store at the time, complained that his boss was bad at his job. He said the man was jealous because he made less money than his employees. He insisted his boss had no right to give him what he called “a hard time.”
“It felt really good writing the email and hitting send,” says Mr. Bauman, a 30-year-old who lives in Souderton, Pa.
Not for long. Mr. Bauman says he regretted his angry email shortly after he sent it. “It kept me focusing on the issue much longer than I should have, mulling it over and over all evening,” he says. He felt worse the next day, when he learned his co-worker had forwarded the email to his boss.
The research has been clear for decades: Venting is bad for us.
And yet we do it—more now than ever thanks to the ease of the Internet.
The “e-vent”—expressing anger via email, text or chat, or on social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter—can be hard to resist. It’s speedy: We can share our frustration with a friend, or the world, almost immediately. It’s handy: We can e-vent from anywhere as long as we have our phone. And it feels safe: We’re behind a screen.
In studies, people report that they feel better after venting. But researchers find they actually become angrier and more aggressive. People who vent anonymously may become the angriest and most aggressive.
“Just because something makes you feel better doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” says Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at The Ohio State University in Columbus.
A bad vent can come back to hurt you. You could alienate friends or family, or get pegged as a whiner or someone with anger-management issues. And because what happens on the Internet stays on the Internet—forever—you could do lasting damage to your reputation.
We all vented before the Internet, of course. But it wasn’t so immediate. We had to pick up the phone and call someone, or wait for our spouse to come home from work. This gave us time to cool down and maybe even have a relaxing cocktail. And venting in person, or even over the phone, allowed us to get immediate feedback and gauge when we were going overboard.Venting has an ancient history. Aristotle believed in catharsis—the purging of emotions. More recently, Sigmund Freud talked about the hydraulic model, saying that if someone holds anger inside without letting it out, it will build to dangerous levels, much the way steam in a pressure cooker will build if it is not vented. Dr. Bushman says most people still believe this to be true, even though there is no scientific research to support it.
Dr. Bushman has conducted multiple studies that show that venting anger or frustration isn’t beneficial. In one study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 2002, he asked 600 college students to write an essay on abortion. He matched each student with a “partner”—in reality a researcher—who purported to have the opposite view and rated the student’s essay negatively on organization, writing style and originality.
Dr. Bushman then divided the students into three groups: The “rumination” group was instructed to hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who graded their essay. The “distraction” group was told to hit the punching bag while thinking about becoming physically fit. And the control group did nothing. Then each student reported his or her mood, choosing from angry adjectives such as “mean,” “hostile” and “irritated” and feel-good adjectives such as “calm,” “happy” and “relaxed.”
E-venting is particularly risky, experts say. We think it’s private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we’re in our pajamas. We have our phones with us all the time so we often e-vent before we’ve had a chance to calm down. A rant put out via the Internet is a click away from being shared. And shared. And shared.The students in the rumination group were the most angry and most aggressive, while those in the control group, who did nothing to vent, were the least angry or aggressive, the study found.
We typically sound angrier in print. And when we write down something, we can reread it, over and over, and stew.
With e-venting you don’t get immediate feedback from your listener, so you might not know when to stop. “You can’t see the eye rolling,” Dr. Bushman says.
I can relate. Last Christmas, stuck in the JetBlue terminal at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, I became increasingly annoyed at the airline’s choice of holiday music: Alvin and the Chipmunks.
I tweeted JetBlue and demanded that they halt the Chipmunk squeaking. They said their customers chose the music. I replied: “I find that hard to believe.” They tweeted me a heart. It took me five more tweets before I felt ridiculous for complaining publicly about small rodents singing. I turned off my phone.
To calm our body down, we should delay our response, counting to 10 or, as Thomas Jefferson is said to have suggested, 100. Dr. Bushman also recommends trying to relax by taking deep breaths or listening to calming music.If venting just makes us madder and meaner, what should we do instead? Dr. Bushman recommends addressing both the physiological and cognitive components of our anger.
Turn off your computer or phone until your anger has subsided. You might even consider blocking a person’s phone number temporarily, so that you won’t be tempted to text or email.
To quiet your mind, Dr. Bushman suggests distractions such as reading a nonviolent book, working on a crossword puzzle, taking a walk.
Do something that is incompatible with anger or aggression: Kiss your sweetheart, help someone in need, pet a puppy.
Try to distance yourself from the incident that upset you. Observe the situation as if you are an outsider.
Eat something healthy. “People who are hungry are cranky,” Dr. Bushman says.
Mr. Bauman says he learned a lesson about e-venting when his co-worker shared his email with his boss: “It was very easy for him to hit forward,” he says. Now, if he wants to talk about something frustrating, Mr. Bauman chooses one of several close friends and vents in person. He left the cellphone company shortly after his email incident, though there weren’t any ramifications from it, and now works as a writer and editor for an Internet marketing firm.
He also writes letters to people who have annoyed him, but saves them in a file on his computer instead of sending.
“It helps me work through whatever is frustrating me,” he says. “Sometimes you just need to air it out.”
Venting is bad for us, research shows; It makes us angrier, and it is easier than ever to vent online and on social media
By Elizabeth Bernstein : WSJ : Aug. 10, 2015
One evening, after a frustrating chat with his boss, Jason Bauman sent an email to a co-worker. He wrote that his supervisor never praised him, only criticized, and said he found this frustrating.
He went on for several hundred words. Mr. Bauman, the manager of a cellphone store at the time, complained that his boss was bad at his job. He said the man was jealous because he made less money than his employees. He insisted his boss had no right to give him what he called “a hard time.”
“It felt really good writing the email and hitting send,” says Mr. Bauman, a 30-year-old who lives in Souderton, Pa.
Not for long. Mr. Bauman says he regretted his angry email shortly after he sent it. “It kept me focusing on the issue much longer than I should have, mulling it over and over all evening,” he says. He felt worse the next day, when he learned his co-worker had forwarded the email to his boss.
The research has been clear for decades: Venting is bad for us.
And yet we do it—more now than ever thanks to the ease of the Internet.
The “e-vent”—expressing anger via email, text or chat, or on social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter—can be hard to resist. It’s speedy: We can share our frustration with a friend, or the world, almost immediately. It’s handy: We can e-vent from anywhere as long as we have our phone. And it feels safe: We’re behind a screen.
In studies, people report that they feel better after venting. But researchers find they actually become angrier and more aggressive. People who vent anonymously may become the angriest and most aggressive.
“Just because something makes you feel better doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” says Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at The Ohio State University in Columbus.
A bad vent can come back to hurt you. You could alienate friends or family, or get pegged as a whiner or someone with anger-management issues. And because what happens on the Internet stays on the Internet—forever—you could do lasting damage to your reputation.
We all vented before the Internet, of course. But it wasn’t so immediate. We had to pick up the phone and call someone, or wait for our spouse to come home from work. This gave us time to cool down and maybe even have a relaxing cocktail. And venting in person, or even over the phone, allowed us to get immediate feedback and gauge when we were going overboard.Venting has an ancient history. Aristotle believed in catharsis—the purging of emotions. More recently, Sigmund Freud talked about the hydraulic model, saying that if someone holds anger inside without letting it out, it will build to dangerous levels, much the way steam in a pressure cooker will build if it is not vented. Dr. Bushman says most people still believe this to be true, even though there is no scientific research to support it.
Dr. Bushman has conducted multiple studies that show that venting anger or frustration isn’t beneficial. In one study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 2002, he asked 600 college students to write an essay on abortion. He matched each student with a “partner”—in reality a researcher—who purported to have the opposite view and rated the student’s essay negatively on organization, writing style and originality.
Dr. Bushman then divided the students into three groups: The “rumination” group was instructed to hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who graded their essay. The “distraction” group was told to hit the punching bag while thinking about becoming physically fit. And the control group did nothing. Then each student reported his or her mood, choosing from angry adjectives such as “mean,” “hostile” and “irritated” and feel-good adjectives such as “calm,” “happy” and “relaxed.”
E-venting is particularly risky, experts say. We think it’s private because we can do it in a secluded place, like our bed while we’re in our pajamas. We have our phones with us all the time so we often e-vent before we’ve had a chance to calm down. A rant put out via the Internet is a click away from being shared. And shared. And shared.The students in the rumination group were the most angry and most aggressive, while those in the control group, who did nothing to vent, were the least angry or aggressive, the study found.
We typically sound angrier in print. And when we write down something, we can reread it, over and over, and stew.
With e-venting you don’t get immediate feedback from your listener, so you might not know when to stop. “You can’t see the eye rolling,” Dr. Bushman says.
I can relate. Last Christmas, stuck in the JetBlue terminal at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, I became increasingly annoyed at the airline’s choice of holiday music: Alvin and the Chipmunks.
I tweeted JetBlue and demanded that they halt the Chipmunk squeaking. They said their customers chose the music. I replied: “I find that hard to believe.” They tweeted me a heart. It took me five more tweets before I felt ridiculous for complaining publicly about small rodents singing. I turned off my phone.
To calm our body down, we should delay our response, counting to 10 or, as Thomas Jefferson is said to have suggested, 100. Dr. Bushman also recommends trying to relax by taking deep breaths or listening to calming music.If venting just makes us madder and meaner, what should we do instead? Dr. Bushman recommends addressing both the physiological and cognitive components of our anger.
Turn off your computer or phone until your anger has subsided. You might even consider blocking a person’s phone number temporarily, so that you won’t be tempted to text or email.
To quiet your mind, Dr. Bushman suggests distractions such as reading a nonviolent book, working on a crossword puzzle, taking a walk.
Do something that is incompatible with anger or aggression: Kiss your sweetheart, help someone in need, pet a puppy.
Try to distance yourself from the incident that upset you. Observe the situation as if you are an outsider.
Eat something healthy. “People who are hungry are cranky,” Dr. Bushman says.
Mr. Bauman says he learned a lesson about e-venting when his co-worker shared his email with his boss: “It was very easy for him to hit forward,” he says. Now, if he wants to talk about something frustrating, Mr. Bauman chooses one of several close friends and vents in person. He left the cellphone company shortly after his email incident, though there weren’t any ramifications from it, and now works as a writer and editor for an Internet marketing firm.
He also writes letters to people who have annoyed him, but saves them in a file on his computer instead of sending.
“It helps me work through whatever is frustrating me,” he says. “Sometimes you just need to air it out.”
Great Betrayals
By Anna Fels, MD ; NY Times : October 5, 2013
As a psychiatrist I find that friends frequently seek me out to discuss problematic events in their lives; it comes with the territory and I’m usually happy to do it. But I was surprised and shaken to hear from an old friend that her husband of nearly 25 years had long been accruing and hiding from her a huge credit card debt (in the six figures). Even after divulging his secret, the husband had lied about the amount, with the sum increasing every time it was discussed. And right from the start, he refused to document where the money was spent. He left it for his wife to ruminate on, trying to puzzle it out. The disclosure wreaked financial and emotional havoc on their family.
After my initial shock at this unsuspected betrayal, I began to recall patients I had seen whose situations were not that dissimilar. They were people who had suddenly discovered that their life, as they knew it, was based on a long-term falsehood. They were people who might have stumbled across family secrets on the Internet or found old bills from a spouse’s long-hidden liaisons.
This predicament, a sudden revelation of new, pivotal information about one’s life, is the subject of many memoirs: Bliss Broyard, in “One Drop: My Father’s Hidden Life — A Story of Race and Family Secrets,” discovers shortly before her father’s death that his family of origin was black and that he had “passed” for white. Katha Pollitt, in “Learning to Drive,” writes about discovering the infidelity of her long-term partner. Geoffrey Wolff, in “The Duke of Deception,” unearths evidence that his father had lied about virtually every aspect of his past: his religion, education, career and military record.
But what if you’re not a writer and don’t have the option of metabolizing this kind of toxic experience through the process of writing? Most of us can’t seize control of the narrative by publishing our side of the story or get the sweet revenge of going public with the other’s misdeeds.
Discoveries of such secrets typically bring on tumultuous crises. Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.
And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion. Talk shows thrive on these tales. Perhaps it’s part of our powerful national belief in self-help and self-creation. It’s never too late to start anew.
But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.
Insidiously, the new information disrupts their sense of their own past, undermining the veracity of their personal history. Like a computer file corrupted by a virus, their life narrative has been invaded. Memories are now suspect: what was really going on that day? Why did the spouse suddenly buy a second phone “for work” several years ago? Did a friend know the truth even as they vacationed together? Compulsively going over past events in light of their recently acquired (and unwelcome) knowledge, such patients struggle to integrate the new version of reality. For many people, this discrediting of their experience is hard to accept. It’s as if they are constantly reviewing their past lives on a dual screen: the life they experienced on one side and the new “true” version on the other. But putting a story together about this kind of disjunctive past can be arduous.
Understandably, some feel cynical if not downright paranoid. How can they know what is real going forward? How can they integrate these new “facts” about family, origin, religion, race or fidelity? Do they have to be suspicious if they form a new relationship? As my friend said in despair, “I’m just not a snoop; it’s not in my genes.”
And the social response to people who have suffered such life-transforming disclosures, well meaning as it is intended to be, is often less than supportive. Our culture may embrace the redeemed sinner, but the person victimized — not so much. Lack of control over their destiny makes people queasy. Friends often unconsciously blame the victim, asking whether the betrayed person really “knew at some level” what was going on and had just been “in denial” about it. But the betrayed are usually as savvy as the rest of us. When one woman I know asked her husband, a closet alcoholic who drank secretly late at night, how he could have hidden his addiction for so long, he replied, “It took a lot of work.”
Frequently, a year or even less after the discovery of a longstanding lie, the victims are counseled to move on, to put it all behind them and stay focused on the future. But it’s not so easy to move on when there’s no solid narrative ground to stand on. Perhaps this is why many patients conclude in their therapy that it’s not the actions or betrayal that they most resent, it’s the lies.
In this situation, therapy can be one path to reclaiming your past. Creating a coherent narrative of one’s life has long been seen as a central goal of psychotherapy. It provides the internal structure that helps us predict and regulate future actions and feelings. It creates a stable sense of self. But if, to quote Louis Cozolino, a psychologist who writes on the neuroscience of therapy, “memory is a form of internal enactment of whatever is being recalled,” how do we retroactively create a life story out of events that were never experienced? There is a disturbing bifurcation: memory no longer corresponds to objective fact.
As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it’s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece — one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it’s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one’s past. Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.
Anna Fels is a psychiatrist and faculty member at Weill Cornell Medical School.
Who is Elizabeth Bernstein?
Columnist, The Wall Street Journal.In more than a decade at The Wall Street Journal, Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein has covered education, philanthropy, psychology and religion - all areas in which personal relationships loom large. In her work, she has ranged far and wide, from exposing the backlash against excessive emailing of baby photos to a detailed narrative reconstruction of a matricide. She has received awards from organizations including the New York Chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists' Deadline Club, the Education Writers Association and the American Psychoanalytic Association. Now, Elizabeth is using her acquired insights and expertise to explore the manifold aspects of human interactions, whether at home, at work or among friends.
Previous to her current position, Ms. Bernstein was a reporter for the Journal’s Weekend Journal section, where she wrote about religion and higher education and focused on national trends. She also launched a weekly philanthropy column at the Journal and served as the Journal’s philanthropy reporter.
Before joining the Journal in 2000, Ms. Bernstein wrote for various publications, including New York Magazine, Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, the Village Voice and Publisher’s Weekly.
Ms. Bernstein received a bachelor’s degree in journalism and English from Indiana University and a master’s degree in journalism with honors from Columbia University. In June, 2008, she completed a Knight Science Journalism Fellowship at MIT, which focused on brain science. She lives in Miami, where she is an avid sailor and scuba diver.
Columnist, The Wall Street Journal.In more than a decade at The Wall Street Journal, Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein has covered education, philanthropy, psychology and religion - all areas in which personal relationships loom large. In her work, she has ranged far and wide, from exposing the backlash against excessive emailing of baby photos to a detailed narrative reconstruction of a matricide. She has received awards from organizations including the New York Chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists' Deadline Club, the Education Writers Association and the American Psychoanalytic Association. Now, Elizabeth is using her acquired insights and expertise to explore the manifold aspects of human interactions, whether at home, at work or among friends.
Previous to her current position, Ms. Bernstein was a reporter for the Journal’s Weekend Journal section, where she wrote about religion and higher education and focused on national trends. She also launched a weekly philanthropy column at the Journal and served as the Journal’s philanthropy reporter.
Before joining the Journal in 2000, Ms. Bernstein wrote for various publications, including New York Magazine, Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, the Village Voice and Publisher’s Weekly.
Ms. Bernstein received a bachelor’s degree in journalism and English from Indiana University and a master’s degree in journalism with honors from Columbia University. In June, 2008, she completed a Knight Science Journalism Fellowship at MIT, which focused on brain science. She lives in Miami, where she is an avid sailor and scuba diver.
